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Report: Every Single Person in Saxby's on 40th Is in the Collctve


Photo from Pexels / CC0

Over the past semester Mary Brennen, College sophomore and Saxby’s barista, noticed something strange about the 40th Street coffee shop. “There was this sudden shift in demographic. It seemed like every conversation I overheard was about ‘synthesis’ or some ambiguous collaboration of ‘creative types’,” recounted Brennen. Finally, Brennen’s questions were answered. “We’re all in the Collctve,” explained Sam Winston (W ‘19).

Numerous sources confirm Brennen and Winston’s claims. One sophomore, who asked to remain anonymous, reported that a masked student dimmed the lights and took a long-exposure photo of her with a blinding flash as soon as she entered Saxby's. “Make sure to tag yourself when these go up on Facebook later,” the photographer said, vigorously swirling the camera in a circle.

UTB reporters stopped by the community table to ask a few questions. “To be completely honest, I didn’t even know what I was applying for,” said College freshman Sarah Harker when asked about her thoughts on joining the group. “DJs, Producers, Filmmakers, Photographers, Writers, Artists—that’s a lot of categories. The description was so ambiguous that I felt like I was definitely at least one of those things.” UTB approached Wharton sophomore Jason Peters for a comment. “Actually, it’s Json Ptrs,” he began, and UTB had no further questions.

On another occasion, a cold and miserable-looking student was spotted standing adjacent to the building. Despite the rapidly dropping temperature and pouring rain, College junior Derek Haltonitz hadn't gone into the coffee shop. “I didn’t get into the Collctve,” he admitted. “Apparently I don’t have an ‘appreciation for the art of sound.’ I argued that ‘Fire Burning’ by Sean Kingston was the only song I needed to know, but they disagreed. ‘The Sweet Escape’ by Gwen Stefani, featuring Akon? Now that’s what I call a collaboration of the senses.”

Even after investigating the group’s meeting hub, it's still hard to say: what exactly is the Collctve? “If you have to ask, you’ll never know,” said Collctve president Aaron Mitchell (W ‘19). “And if it wasn’t clear, it’s not Saxby’s anymore. It’s Sxbys, or Sxbs. A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y. Don’t forget it.”