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OP-ED: I Bit Into a Chocolate Chip Cookie And It Was Oatmeal Raisin


Photo by Glenn Fleishman (edited) / CC BY 2.0

I don’t think I’m being dramatic when I say this is the worst goddamn thing that has ever happened to me. I bought a delicious looking cookie from a bake sale run by some blasted club at this godforsaken school, because my roommate begged me and said it would only cost me $1 on Venmo, and I looked forward to eating it the whole damn day. I finally got home after my last class of the day and aggressively ripped open my backpack to reveal the cookie, ready to be eaten at last. As I finally brought the pastry up to my mouth, I prepared myself for chocolatey goodness.

But what did I taste instead?! RAISINS.

Yeah, you heard that right. Not only did the cookie contain exactly zero chocolate chips, chunks, or flakes, it contained the "wrinkly old grandma" of the grape! Instead of dropping some Nestlés, Ghirardelli's, or Hershey’s into a classic cookie dough, these imbeciles took grapes, plopped ‘em under the sun for a decade or two, mixed them in with some dehydrated oatmeal, and called it a batter.

This is an abomination unparalleled in the common era. I implore every club that ever has a bake sale in the future to CLEARLY LABEL their oatmeal raisin cookies and place them at least 45 inches (114.3 cm) away from the chocolate chip cookies.