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Uh Oh: Penn Constructing Buildings Faster Than Perelman Family Can Reproduce


Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian

You know what they say: stand anywhere on Penn’s campus, throw a rock, and odds are you’ll have dented a sign that says Perelman on it. Members of the Perelman family have given millions to Penn, and in return their names decorate everything from the Ruth and Raymond Perelman Center for Advanced Medicine, to the Perelman Quadrangle, to the Ronald O. Perelman Center for Political Science and Economics, to the Biff Perelman Center for Gastronomic Amelioration (formerly known as the drab green Penn Park outhouse).

However, with the newly released plans of building a new Wharton building and New College House West, we at UTB have a question.

Which Perelman are we going to name them after?

We’re facing a dire shortage of Perelmans, people. Our analysts project that by the year 2023, the world will be fully depleted of this scarce resource... A scarce resource, but a renewable one.

We talked to Perelman family patriarch Raymond G. Perelman (W’ 40) about how to solve this problem.
“Look, kids,” the weary 100-year-old-billionaire sighed to us, “can’t your school find a new gullible family to mooch off of? I thought that if I gave enough, they’d name it ‘the University of Perelmansylvania,’ but it seemed that I was suckered out of my cash as much as you poor undergrads were.”

Undeterred, we drove to his eldest son’s mansion. Knocking on the door, we heard a brief whispered exchange: (“Are you sure it’s not Amy?” /“Yes, sir.”/ “No, but are you really, really sure it isn’t her?”/ “Yes…). A visibly trembling Ronald O. Perelman subsequently ushered us inside.

“L-l-look,” the industrial tycoon stuttered, “I’m on my FIFTH wife. You know why? Because your damned president tells me that if I don’t produce a new baby Perelman at least every other year, she’ll ruin me. Do you know the kind of strain that puts on a marriage? I’ve had eight kids for God’s sake, and at the rate your school is planning new buildings, I’ll have to have another eight before I conk out. Honestly, I think Amy’s doing it just to spite me.”

At press time, we learned that Joe Biden had told his grandkids to “keep their doors locked and mailboxes duct taped just in case we’re next.”