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iPhone X No Longer Recognizes Girl’s Face Post Winter Break Food Binge


Photo by: sasint / CC0

Tara Schleinberg (W '19) rolled out of bed this morning at 8:54 AM, giving her just enough time to wake up and realize she would not be attending her 9 AM today, or on any future day in the semester. Schleinberg raised her iPhone X to her face in order to unlock it and snooze her alarm. But that's when the unthinkable happened: the phone vibrated and denied her access.

What went wrong? Despite being the broke college student she claimed to be, Schleinberg bought her new iPhone X right before winter break. How could it have broken already?

“Then it dawned on me," she said. "Between the Christmas cookies and bottomless New Years champagne flutes, I probably gained at least five pounds over break. There were  expensive cheeses and snacks my mom bought from Costco in preparation for my visit. My face is so large now that my phone must not even recognize it.”

Schleinberg’s recognition troubles did not stop there. Lydia Calloway, who has been Schleinberg’s roommate for all of college, claims her longtime friend has become unrecognizable.

“Yeah, Tara looks so different. She said she had some freak electrical accident over break. We haven't learned the details, but I think she spilled water on her phone, maybe. Her skin tone has been an off-beige ever since then. Classic Tara! She seems to break everything she touches.”

Schleinberg’s sorority sister, Katie Stein, felt that the iPhone problems were a sign of deeper underlying issues.

“I watched Tara drop her brand new phone in a vodka soda at Smokes the other day. I mean, that girl just has no respect for expensive belongings. She should really learn the value of the dollar and stay away from costly pieces of technology,” said Stein.

Despite living off a diet of Tater-Tots and Tour Lokos for the past four years, Schleinberg is convinced her iPhone recognition problems stem from her two week binge at home. “I wish I hadn’t broken my Apple Watch, or else I would have counted my steps more closely," she said.