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Entire Girl Gang Merted After Galentine's Day Brunch


Photo by Hannah Lopes / CC0

A Sunday brunch set aside to celebrate womanhood, friendship, and independence quickly turned into a disaster for the restaurant, onlookers, and the girl gang who occupied a corner table by the window.

Laura Myers (C ’20) was so excited to reclaim Valentine’s Day as a day to celebrate the power of female friendship, so she organized a Galentine’s Day brunch with some of her closest friends, picked a date, and was thrilled when the morning finally arrived. Take that, patriarchy!

Other members of the girl gang said they felt the same way. Anna Pentworth (N '21) was so worn out from hearing all of her other friends talk about their dates, or being sad and lonely, and she said the brunch would be “a fun way to catch up with each other over mimosas!” She didn’t think much of it until afterwards, when her BAC was a .31 as she left the restaurant on a stretcher, after trying to make sweet love to one of the MERT volunteers.

The four girls, Laura, Anna, Karen (C ’20), and Amanda (C ’21) go to brunch all the time—they even know the difference between mimosas at The Farmacy and the jungle juice at a frat house. So how did this happen?

The girls arrived early, because you obviously can’t make reservations for brunch, and got a table after waiting for thirty minutes. They got drinks as soon as they were seated, and the drinking didn’t stop. Rather than celebrating femininity, independence, and unity, they found themselves crying because none of them could remember the last time they had an orgasm that wasn’t the courtesy of their right hand.

Things quickly grew dark as Laura asked the other girls if she should call Michael (E '19) and ask him to go to dinner with her on Valentine’s Day. Everyone knew the answer should be no, but they encouraged her to reach out! So feminist! Take what you want! And they each had three more drinks to cover up the horrible reality they knew they had just encouraged.

Soon, Amanda fell asleep at the table, Laura was in the bathroom with Michael (who immediately responded to her snap, BTW) and Anna and Karen were making out at the table (but they are totally straight, just experimenting, don’t worry). When they tried to leave, they forgot sleeping Anna at the table, and by the time MERT caught up to them on the sidewalk by the Radian, they had to send a few volunteers back to the restaurant to claim the sleeping nursing student.

A boozy brunch quickly turned sour, but all four girls said they would eagerly go back to Farmacy because the bottomless mimosas were amazing.