Sydney Gelman


Articles

OP-ED: I Waited 8 Minutes for a Latte at Pret—Now I Understand Oppression

"I politely coughed, to alert the baristas to my impatience, and they didn’t even look up. It pierced me to my core."


Yikes! Classics Major Tries to Get Laid by Quoting Virgil

In this day and age, it can be hard to find your footing when trying to convince someone to sleep with you in your twin XL bed, all based on the vague allure of an unsatisfying or faked orgasm. However, this didn’t stop James Fulton (C ’20) from trying an alternative method to lure a girl into his unsanitary dorm room.


Innovative! College Sophomore Is Constantly Brewing Kombucha in Her Asshole

We caught up with Williams to find out what inspired her to embark on this sacred journey. She said the inspiration came when she saw a scoby, the bacteria that ferments in this fungal beverage, and thought, “I wonder what that would feel like if I put it up my butt.” From there, her discovery has made history.




Fight Breaks out Between Jehovah’s Witnesses and Street Preachers on Top of the Button

Last Tuesday, an apocalyptic battle between Jehovah’s Witnesses and the street preachers broke out on top of the button, resulting in the deaths of at least three squirrels who were killed in the crossfire. 


Penn Dining Protests CupcaKke: 'Why Aren't Students This Excited About Our Food?'

While most students are confused as to why the All American Rejects have risen from the grave for this event, there was a greater upset when CupcaKke’s appearance was announced.














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