Although graduate programs may be confused as to how to interpret the stickers, I think they’ll quickly learn that anything holographic is innately superior to any sticker that has a flaccid, one-dimensional color scheme.

I hope customers enjoy tasting a piece of this ass. 

I’ve been in this building since it was a women’s gym. Back then, there was excitement, activity, the smell of young sweat and hope. Now, it’s just stuffy English majors pretending to be interested in Marx or The Faerie Queene. I can’t take it anymore.

Here are the top three toilets to sip from across campus.

Some may say I most likely have narcolepsy and should seek treatment. I say yeah, maybe. Or maybe I’m just vibing.

It’s tasteful — the human body is a beautiful thing. This carrel is my studio; it is my blank canvas for sensuality. This is the art form that will launch me to stardom.

In ASTR 001, the stakes are high. No one in the class has ever seen a number before, and suddenly a professor who was involved in a Nobel Prize-winning experiment is trying to convince hundreds of emotionally concussed students that gravity can bend space.

As more students begin taking advantage of Amazon’s ability to self publish and start wearing turtleneck sweaters to combat the cold, it has been difficult for the writer’s house to distinguish who belongs and who doesn’t in the winter months. 

The strangeness of my body type (mostly a mass of tangled, wriggling ferrets and canned corn) is most conducive to sweater weather. Then, my body appears normal, at least when I am artfully arranged on a large leather armchair. 

I own 21 dolls, 13 of which are historical, and I have to dress them for their respective time periods unless I want to look like a goddamn fool when I carry them around with me.

Poor baby, you don’t know anything about reality. You probably don’t even have lesions on your genitals. How are you going to work at a big, bad company like Goldman without a disfiguring STI?

Have you ever looked up a book on Franklin only to find that it’s located in Fisher Fine Arts? No? That’s because they have exactly four (4) (fɔr/fɔː) books within their walls. 

 I now stare at my phone for hours, laughing at videos that are nearly identical.

Sometimes, when the high is 67°, I feel a sense of hope. I get a semi for fall. I might even drink hot tea. But then, the next day it's back to a cesspool of heat and I am left sweating, flaccid, and with no release.

No other CVS compares, and I’ve tried dozens. The CVS near Franklin’s Table is cold and unfeeling; the aisles stretch infinitely backward, the shelves are higher and menacing, the granola bar selection is subpar at best, seriously lacking in mint chip Cliff bars at worst.

I am funny, and if you think otherwise then my sense of humor is probably beyond you.

There is only one date I cling to: the beginning of the next school year, when this meaningless cycle begins all over again, and I order more pens off of Amazon.

I tried to read my email, even BuzzFeed, but found myself lost in a sea of text. 

He feels closer to God now that he isn’t railing cocaine off of every flat surface he can find, including his roommate’s ass, which he would often do while his roommate was asleep on the couch.

I knew that without Fling to look forward to and enjoy, my life would be quite meaningless.