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Sydney Gelman


Articles

OP-ED: I Downloaded TikTok Because I Am a Sadomasochist

 I now stare at my phone for hours, laughing at videos that are nearly identical.


OP-ED: I’m Sick of Getting Cock Blocked by Fall Every Damn Day

Sometimes, when the high is 67°, I feel a sense of hope. I get a semi for fall. I might even drink hot tea. But then, the next day it's back to a cesspool of heat and I am left sweating, flaccid, and with no release.


OP-ED: CVS on Walnut and 40th Is My Safe Space

No other CVS compares, and I’ve tried dozens. The CVS near Franklin’s Table is cold and unfeeling; the aisles stretch infinitely backward, the shelves are higher and menacing, the granola bar selection is subpar at best, seriously lacking in mint chip Cliff bars at worst.


OP-ED: If My 4 Twitter Followers Don't like My Funny Tweet I Will Self-Immolate

I am funny, and if you think otherwise then my sense of humor is probably beyond you.


OP-ED: Buying Back to School Stationery Is the Only Way I Can Feel Anything Anymore

There is only one date I cling to: the beginning of the next school year, when this meaningless cycle begins all over again, and I order more pens off of Amazon.


OP-ED: Summer Break Is over and Now I Am Illiterate

I tried to read my email, even BuzzFeed, but found myself lost in a sea of text. 


Now That Lent Is Over, Junior Excited to Rail Cocaine off of His Roommate's Ass Again

He feels closer to God now that he isn’t railing cocaine off of every flat surface he can find, including his roommate’s ass, which he would often do while his roommate was asleep on the couch.



OP-ED: Now That It’s Spring, My Balls Are Sweaty

Plus, the other day when it went up to 80°, it felt like they were going to melt and run down my leg. This makes me very nervous about my reproductive health. 


OP-ED: I Spend so Long in the DRL Bathroom and Not Because I’m Getting Head, I Have Hemorrhoids

I want to issue a formal apology to anyone came at the same time as a crescendo of farts escaped my rectum.


OP-ED: The Mouse in My Apartment Doesn’t Pay Rent so I’m Going to Murder Her and Her Entire Family

I know that she’s probably got an entire family to support, but that family is living in my closet, eating my food, and taking advantage of my heating bill. I’ve been abused enough by this system.


Warm Weather Gives Depressed Student False Glimmer of Happiness

I cancelled my CAPS appointment, I am going to dye my hair pink and give myself bangs tonight, and I’m not worried about my four overdue problem sets.


OP-ED: I Only Speak to Men Because I Need a New Emotional Support Animal

Men only want one thing, and it’s disgusting. However, I too only want one thing.


Fraternity Plans Spring Break Trip to Southeast Asia to ‘Find Themselves’

Maybe one of them will even take a yoga class while immersing himself in the wonders of Southeast Asia.


OP-ED: Why I Can Only Masturbate to the Canterbury tales

If you’ve ever heard an effectively pre-pubescent high school boy stutter through the prologue of The Canterbury Tales that he was forced to memorize by an English teacher somewhere along the line, then you’ll understand why Chaucer makes me wet.


OP-ED: I Waited 8 Minutes for a Latte at Pret—Now I Understand Oppression

"I politely coughed, to alert the baristas to my impatience, and they didn’t even look up. It pierced me to my core."


Yikes! Classics Major Tries to Get Laid by Quoting Virgil

In this day and age, it can be hard to find your footing when trying to convince someone to sleep with you in your twin XL bed, all based on the vague allure of an unsatisfying or faked orgasm. However, this didn’t stop James Fulton (C ’20) from trying an alternative method to lure a girl into his unsanitary dorm room.


Innovative! College Sophomore Is Constantly Brewing Kombucha in Her Asshole

We caught up with Williams to find out what inspired her to embark on this sacred journey. She said the inspiration came when she saw a scoby, the bacteria that ferments in this fungal beverage, and thought, “I wonder what that would feel like if I put it up my butt.” From there, her discovery has made history.




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