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Frat Boy Who Turned Water Into Vodka Awaiting Canonization


Photo by Andrew Ratto / CC BY-SA 2.0

Aaron Becker (C ’19) has done something revolutionary. 

A recent survey of on-campus frats suggests that over 80% of all fraternity dues go to getting the brothers fucked up, but Becker has a more nuanced take on these expenses.

“When I actually looked at the math, I realized that really only about 50% of dues are dedicated to getting the brothers fucked up,” said Becker. So where is the other 30% going?

Becker says that the other portion of liquor expenses goes to getting girls at their parties fucked up. This high cost leaves only 20% of dues available for legal fees. It was then that Becker had his most important realization to date.

“I consider myself a woke dude, and that means that my top priority is making our parties a safe environment for everyone. So I thought to myself, how can I make sure that no one ever gets taken advantage in an inebriated state while also reducing our liquor expenses?”

Brothers of Alpha Sigma Chi were shocked when Becker pulled out a half-filled handle of Banker’s and a bottle of Poland Spring and, with the panache of any true innovator, poured the Poland Spring into the Banker’s.

A recent Gallup poll has ranked ASX third in safety and thirtieth in party quality of all fraternities on campus since Becker began watering down their drinks.