The statement went on to detail that upwards of 70% of the senior class would not be admitted if they applied to Penn again and fundamentally do not deserve to be here. 

They will simply be getting more creative with how they judge students. 

I feel so close to you but also still better than you, and that’s everything to me.

In order to improve mental health resources on campus surrounding the issue, CAPS is distributing a pamphlet entitled "Why You Should Give Up Now." 

 Surely, if we’ve already had Spring Break this year, we would remember it, right?

 I have a full P.R. team on retainer, and they’ve brought people back from a lot worse than making their “teachers” cry. 

We should all be very pleased with the directions our lives are taking. 

There may never be a chance to retrieve these experiences that the first-year class has lost. 

An email from Bachar to their professor late Tuesday evening has been leaked in which they claim, “Look, this is deadass my writing! I don’t know what else you want me to say.

In fifty years, when my enemies look back on their lives, I want them to find peace knowing that they failed spectacularly, learned from it, and never crossed me again for as long as they lived.

"Stuart March (C’23) discovered how to achieve incredible results in the class with one simple trick and posted a picture of the email to Reddit with the title 'This is the LAST marketing class you’ll EVER need.'"

Students everywhere rejoiced as they realized that in addition to not having any classes that meet on Fridays, they have also been given most Fridays off. 

This means that I’m not going to get sucked into the rat race of academic success or other traditionally accepted forms of success.

Start lying about your age before the world attempts to thrust responsibilities upon you that provide nothing but stress and general confusion. 

By that logic, we might as well not cheat at all, but the game theory example of the prisoner’s dilemma would point out something that I could also quickly look up if asked about on an exam.

I have an important message for all the students out there who have wondered why there are so many moans coming from the show your mom is bingeing.

 This class asked its students to examine: What is pornography? What makes something pornographic? For Thompson, and many others like him, the answer is absolutely everything. 

People who would ordinarily have never glanced up from their phones will now spend ten whole seconds reading my hat before looking — straight into my eyes — to see who the asshole in the MAGA hat is.

It started like all great cons do, out of necessity.

Everyone knows you’re supposed to send a text message right before class, so you have a response when you get out.