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Claudia Hogan


Articles

Breaking: Chronic Masturbator Totally Edging during Gender Studies Lecture on Pornography

 This class asked its students to examine: What is pornography? What makes something pornographic? For Thompson, and many others like him, the answer is absolutely everything. 


OP-ED: I Wear a MAGA Hat Just so Someone Will Make Eye Contact with Me

People who would ordinarily have never glanced up from their phones will now spend ten whole seconds reading my hat before looking — straight into my eyes — to see who the asshole in the MAGA hat is.


OP-ED: I’m Dead Inside and Steal My Roommate’s Shampoo for the Rush

It started like all great cons do, out of necessity.


Sad! This Boy Hasn't Gotten a Notification on His Phone All Class

Everyone knows you’re supposed to send a text message right before class, so you have a response when you get out.


Rock Bottom? Stevie Just Gopuff'd Juul Pods to Van Pelt

She had left her pods back at her house on 39th street, and there was no chance she was willing to walk six blocks to pick up a new pod.


Quiz: Does Your Man Have a Future, or Is He Going to Die Tomorrow?

With graduation and the need for finding gainful employment looming over your head for four years, many begin to wonder: does my man have a future?


BREAKING: All the Thoughts You Recorded in Your Notes App Last Night Make No Sense

I’m pretty sure we went to Fishtown to meet a bald friend, who I think I found from the ‘Bald Friend’ contact in my phone.


Breaking: Fraternity That Failed Sensitivity Training No Longer Playing Ignition (Remix) at Parties

We all love Ignition here at Beta Gamma, but now we only listen to it privately during our pre-games.  


How Does She Do It? Meet the Girl Who Fit a Laptop and Three Beverages on a Penn Desk

That’s right, folks. Lindsey can fit her Nalgene, large coffee, and cold pressed grapefruit juice all on the same desk. 


OP-ED: I Want a Job Where I Can Give Back, Because I'm Not Qualified for All the Competitive Jobs

I’m simply not qualified to get any of the jobs where I can shit all over the poor and not even know I’m doing it.


Life Hack: Save on Stress Balls and Pop Your Pimples Instead

Stress is known to cause breakouts, so many students have a veritable gold mine of pimples to pop.


OP-ED: I Want a Job for the Benefits, like Being Able to Tell My Mom I Have a Job

Not just my mom, though. I’d also like to be able to tell my friends and, perhaps most importantly, my many, many enemies. One day, I’m going to change my occupation on Facebook, and it’s probably going to get bare minimum 1000 likes.


OP-ED: How One Game of Marry, Fuck, Kill Got Me a Job at Bain

See, I prepared case studies and an impeccably rehearsed monologue about the biggest challenges I’ve ever faced, but they never asked me any of that.


OP-ED: I Got into Penn Once, and I’m Pretty Sure I Could Do It Again (If I Applied Early)

I said I spent 15 hours a week on math team, and I didn’t even go to meetings because they were in the morning.


OP-ED: I Shop at Trader Joe's, and Yes, My Shits Are Better than Yours

While you all eat your wilted Fresh Grocer produce, I am eating a robust diet of organic vegetables and frozen foods from our friends at TJ’s. This provides the fiber that I need to shit upwards of three times a day. 


Student Dismayed to Find Out Senior Spring Doesn’t Really Start Until You Have a Job

I’m now more determined than ever to get a job so that at least I’ll be able to slack off during April.


"I'll Just Ace the Final" and Five Other Signs You're About to Fail This Course

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it just looks a lot like a C. In early days of February, here are a few signs that you’re already going to fail this course.


Smash Success 'You' Credited for 70% Rise in Introverted Boys' Ability to Get Dates for Valentine's Day

This time last year, a nerdy bookworm with a penchant for stealing girls’ phones and locking people in cages might have worried that he would never be able to land a date for Valentine’s Day.


BREAKING: Your Roommate Just Posted a Picture of Your Dirty Dishes in the Group Chat

Hey, guys. I don’t want to disrupt anyone, but it’s time to drop what you’re doing and clean up your fucking mess.


Quiz: Am I Stoned During Lecture, or Do I Just Have No More Fucks to Give?

Am I going to start putting in more work than ever now that my professional future is rapidly approaching? You bet your sweet ass I won’t. What am I doing instead? Take this quiz to find out!


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