Claudia Hogan


Junior Begins Lonely Trek to 4th Floor of Van Pelt So He Can Shit in Solitude

Just moments ago, George Henchey (C '20) bid his friends adieu, trusting them to watch over his backpack as if it were their own, and set off on the long and lonely trip to the 4th floor of Van Pelt.

OP-ED: The Weather Kind of Sucks No Matter What It Does, Right?

It’s cold out!!! But then again, it was kind of hot a couple days ago, and that was kind of annoying too.

Sophomore’s Plan to Use Last Day of Fall Break to Catch Up on Three Weeks of Reading Backfires

College sophomore Martin Stone had the perfect plan for Fall Break. A two-step plan, he was going to spend weeks beforehand procrastinating on his readings because he’d “have time to finish everything over Fall Break,” and then he was going to further procrastinate on all his readings until the Sunday of break.

OP-ED: Fuck the Police, but If Your Party Gets Too Loud, I’m Calling the Cops

I may be powerless to stop you from blasting EDM at 2 a.m., but we have a public army of guards who will make sure that no innocent civilian is ever subjected to your Diplo remix of a song way more popular than the original.

Freshman Boy Who's Been 'Lifting All Week' Frustrated Pottruck Employees Still Don't Recognize Him

Derrick Thompson (C ’22) has been pumping iron all week, and for what reward? “The Pottruck employees still don’t recognize me,” Thompson lamented to UTB. “I’ve gone almost every other day for a week, and they treat me like I’m just one gym goer out of thousands. It’s offensive, honestly. Maybe they just don’t recognize me because of how swole I’ve gotten. That’s probably it.”

Group Project Beginning to Seriously Test Friendship

Wharton junior Casey Peterson was delighted when her best friend, Michelle Harris (C ’20), registered to join her in MKTG 205 (Intro to Subliminal buyfangstock Messaging). They only bought one copy of the textbook for the two to share and spent the first few classes blissfully mocking the boy in a suit in the front row. Neither suspected that this semester would be anything other than a sort of fun bonding experience, but then things took a dark turn.

OP-ED: I Know You Ate My Food, Sharon, I Saw It on My Nanny Cams

There’s a fox in the henhouse, and I know it’s you, Sharon. I bet you thought you were pretty damn clever with your “maybe you’d remember eating your own food if you didn’t come home blackout drunk four nights a week!” excuses. That is, at best, a flimsy cover, and, at worst, gaslighting.

Freshman Drops Class Because Midterm Will Conflict With Day 2 of Her Period

Lisa Wilcox (C ’22) had everything planned out. A fresh-faced pre-med student ready to take on the world and declare her BBB major (in no particular order), Wilcox was set to knock out all of her introductory science requirements by the end of her freshman spring. Unfortunately, even the best laid plans go awry.

5 Dorm Decorations That Will Make People Think You’re Fun and Cool

If you’re not an international student or from New York, it can be hard to make an impactful first impression. 

New App Helps to Find Most Convenient Ladies’ Bathrooms in DRL

"Honestly, we recommend recycling your urine like a hibernating bear, but not everyone has the biological capabilities to do this yet. Rest assured, there is a team of engineers and pre-med students working to solve this problem immediately.”

​Student’s Proudest Moment of Semester Getting 500 Likes on Penn Meme Page

College sophomore Justin Rankin finished the semester with a 3.8 GPA, completed writing seminar requirement, and internship at a Fortune 500 company.

​High School Reunion Uneventful: No One’s Gotten Fat Yet

Last Thursday, the Spence School hosted its annual luncheon for the new college graduates. Katie Wilson (C’18) was delighted for the opportunity to rank herself against her former classmates, only to realize, much to her dismay, that no one in her graduating class has gotten fat yet. For Wilson, there would be no salacious rumors about pregnancies or adult-onset diabetes. Rather, the vast majority of the girls in attendance had only gotten more attractive with age.

Junior Who Thought They Were Cool for Hanging out with Only Seniors Scrambling to Lock Down Friends for Next Year

Things were looking bright for Elizabeth Wrankin (C’19) when she came into her first semester at Penn. On the first night of NSO, she ventured out with twenty of her closest hallmates for a dismal evening of drinking Banker’s with no chaser and getting scooped from behind by sweaty frat bros. Instead, she found the holy grail of NSO: A group of sophomores drinking beer on their porch and observing the partygoers.

PSA: There's Only 3 Days Left to Befriend the Kid With a 30-Page Study Guide

Finals are fast approaching, and for the majority of students, that means one thing: time to start sucking up to the only student who paid attention this semester. 

What Being Searched Leaving Van Pelt Taught Me About Walking Around With a Pound of Weed in My Bag

There’s both a short and a long way to share my tale and the lessons it imparted on me. The short way is as follows: why go to Van Pelt with a pound of weed in your bag? Go home and smoke your weed.

BREAKING: Biopond Turtles Feel Incredible Today

Today is a really good day to be a biopond turtle.

Sophomore Throws Party to Celebrate Major Declaration

Bloom is the newest member of the Psychology Department, which means he never again has to meet with his pre-major advisor in the Department of Biochemistry. 

Fling Alternatives: Come Listen to Fall Out Boy in Warwick 107 Tonight at 8

Koenig’s roommate moved out in November because the dorm was allegedly “too lit,” so there’s plenty of space for the entire student body.

Meet the Tens of Students Who Are Secretly Excited for The All-American Rejects

It might have something to do with the fact that the student body is made up of over 10,000 undergraduates; however, these twenty-plus anonymous students are here, and they demand representation.