This means that I’m not going to get sucked into the rat race of academic success or other traditionally accepted forms of success.

Start lying about your age before the world attempts to thrust responsibilities upon you that provide nothing but stress and general confusion. 

By that logic, we might as well not cheat at all, but the game theory example of the prisoner’s dilemma would point out something that I could also quickly look up if asked about on an exam.

I have an important message for all the students out there who have wondered why there are so many moans coming from the show your mom is bingeing.

 This class asked its students to examine: What is pornography? What makes something pornographic? For Thompson, and many others like him, the answer is absolutely everything. 

People who would ordinarily have never glanced up from their phones will now spend ten whole seconds reading my hat before looking — straight into my eyes — to see who the asshole in the MAGA hat is.

It started like all great cons do, out of necessity.

Everyone knows you’re supposed to send a text message right before class, so you have a response when you get out.

She had left her pods back at her house on 39th street, and there was no chance she was willing to walk six blocks to pick up a new pod.

With graduation and the need for finding gainful employment looming over your head for four years, many begin to wonder: does my man have a future?

I’m pretty sure we went to Fishtown to meet a bald friend, who I think I found from the ‘Bald Friend’ contact in my phone.

We all love Ignition here at Beta Gamma, but now we only listen to it privately during our pre-games.  

That’s right, folks. Lindsey can fit her Nalgene, large coffee, and cold pressed grapefruit juice all on the same desk. 

I’m simply not qualified to get any of the jobs where I can shit all over the poor and not even know I’m doing it.

Stress is known to cause breakouts, so many students have a veritable gold mine of pimples to pop.

Not just my mom, though. I’d also like to be able to tell my friends and, perhaps most importantly, my many, many enemies. One day, I’m going to change my occupation on Facebook, and it’s probably going to get bare minimum 1000 likes.

See, I prepared case studies and an impeccably rehearsed monologue about the biggest challenges I’ve ever faced, but they never asked me any of that.

I said I spent 15 hours a week on math team, and I didn’t even go to meetings because they were in the morning.

While you all eat your wilted Fresh Grocer produce, I am eating a robust diet of organic vegetables and frozen foods from our friends at TJ’s. This provides the fiber that I need to shit upwards of three times a day. 

I’m now more determined than ever to get a job so that at least I’ll be able to slack off during April.