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Claudia Hogan


Admissions Committee Announces That 70% Of Senior Class Would Not Be Admitted and Does Not Deserve to be Here

The statement went on to detail that upwards of 70% of the senior class would not be admitted if they applied to Penn again and fundamentally do not deserve to be here. 

College Admissions Offices Promise to Preserve Legacy of Cultural Bias Even Without SAT Scores

They will simply be getting more creative with how they judge students. 

A Letter of Deepest Gratitude to the One Kid Doing Worse Than Me in Class

I feel so close to you but also still better than you, and that’s everything to me.

Breaking: It's Officially Too Late to Turn Your Grades Around

In order to improve mental health resources on campus surrounding the issue, CAPS is distributing a pamphlet entitled "Why You Should Give Up Now." 

Quiz: Has Spring Break Already Happened?

 Surely, if we’ve already had Spring Break this year, we would remember it, right?

Help! My Professor Has Cancelled Me!

 I have a full P.R. team on retainer, and they’ve brought people back from a lot worse than making their “teachers” cry. 

The Week in Review: A Few TV Shows Came Back, It Rained Twice, I Saw a Dog

We should all be very pleased with the directions our lives are taking. 

For the Class of 2024, Some Fear Virginities May Never Be Lost

There may never be a chance to retrieve these experiences that the first-year class has lost. 

Gray Area? Student Involved in Plagiarism Scandal Claims They Single-Handedly Authored "Battle of Agincourt" Wikipedia Article

An email from Bachar to their professor late Tuesday evening has been leaked in which they claim, “Look, this is deadass my writing! I don’t know what else you want me to say.

OP-ED: In Defense of Staggering, Humiliating Failure (for My Enemies)

In fifty years, when my enemies look back on their lives, I want them to find peace knowing that they failed spectacularly, learned from it, and never crossed me again for as long as they lived.

Intro to Marketing Professor Calls for All Essays to be Written in Clickbait Format AND YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT

"Stuart March (C’23) discovered how to achieve incredible results in the class with one simple trick and posted a picture of the email to Reddit with the title 'This is the LAST marketing class you’ll EVER need.'"

Wellness Win! University Administration Claims We've Gotten Days off School

Students everywhere rejoiced as they realized that in addition to not having any classes that meet on Fridays, they have also been given most Fridays off. 

OP-ED: Hey, Kid, Life Is Pass/Fail

This means that I’m not going to get sucked into the rat race of academic success or other traditionally accepted forms of success.

Seniors: Five Signs It’s Time to Start Lying About Your Age

Start lying about your age before the world attempts to thrust responsibilities upon you that provide nothing but stress and general confusion. 

OP-ED: So We're All Still Cheating On Exams, Right?

By that logic, we might as well not cheat at all, but the game theory example of the prisoner’s dilemma would point out something that I could also quickly look up if asked about on an exam.

BREAKING: My Mom Wants Everyone to Know That This Season of 'Outlander' Has Way Less Sex in It

I have an important message for all the students out there who have wondered why there are so many moans coming from the show your mom is bingeing.

Breaking: Chronic Masturbator Totally Edging during Gender Studies Lecture on Pornography

 This class asked its students to examine: What is pornography? What makes something pornographic? For Thompson, and many others like him, the answer is absolutely everything. 

OP-ED: I Wear a MAGA Hat Just so Someone Will Make Eye Contact with Me

People who would ordinarily have never glanced up from their phones will now spend ten whole seconds reading my hat before looking — straight into my eyes — to see who the asshole in the MAGA hat is.

OP-ED: I’m Dead Inside and Steal My Roommate’s Shampoo for the Rush

It started like all great cons do, out of necessity.

Sad! This Boy Hasn't Gotten a Notification on His Phone All Class

Everyone knows you’re supposed to send a text message right before class, so you have a response when you get out.