She had left her pods back at her house on 39th street, and there was no chance she was willing to walk six blocks to pick up a new pod.

With graduation and the need for finding gainful employment looming over your head for four years, many begin to wonder: does my man have a future?

I’m pretty sure we went to Fishtown to meet a bald friend, who I think I found from the ‘Bald Friend’ contact in my phone.

We all love Ignition here at Beta Gamma, but now we only listen to it privately during our pre-games.  

That’s right, folks. Lindsey can fit her Nalgene, large coffee, and cold pressed grapefruit juice all on the same desk. 

I’m simply not qualified to get any of the jobs where I can shit all over the poor and not even know I’m doing it.

Stress is known to cause breakouts, so many students have a veritable gold mine of pimples to pop.

Not just my mom, though. I’d also like to be able to tell my friends and, perhaps most importantly, my many, many enemies. One day, I’m going to change my occupation on Facebook, and it’s probably going to get bare minimum 1000 likes.

See, I prepared case studies and an impeccably rehearsed monologue about the biggest challenges I’ve ever faced, but they never asked me any of that.

I said I spent 15 hours a week on math team, and I didn’t even go to meetings because they were in the morning.

While you all eat your wilted Fresh Grocer produce, I am eating a robust diet of organic vegetables and frozen foods from our friends at TJ’s. This provides the fiber that I need to shit upwards of three times a day. 

I’m now more determined than ever to get a job so that at least I’ll be able to slack off during April.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it just looks a lot like a C. In early days of February, here are a few signs that you’re already going to fail this course.

This time last year, a nerdy bookworm with a penchant for stealing girls’ phones and locking people in cages might have worried that he would never be able to land a date for Valentine’s Day.

Hey, guys. I don’t want to disrupt anyone, but it’s time to drop what you’re doing and clean up your fucking mess.

Am I going to start putting in more work than ever now that my professional future is rapidly approaching? You bet your sweet ass I won’t. What am I doing instead? Take this quiz to find out!

I just think it’s really unfair that the new year conflicts with the coldest season of the year. 

That’s when Brown decided to move into a house with a family of endangered Panamanian sloths.

Hey, I know we barely know each other, and I don’t really bring anything to the table vis-à-vis with respect to passing this exam, but you know what I do have? Two bricks and a wheat.

Guys, what’s the deal with the bathroom in Hayden Hall? I say bathroom because, in this three-story building, there is only one.