Claudia Hogan


Articles

Wellness Win: Student Lives with Endangered Panamanian Sloths to Not Feel Insecure About Study Habits

That’s when Brown decided to move into a house with a family of endangered Panamanian sloths.


OP-ED: I’ll Trade You Two Bricks and a Wheat for Your Final Study Guide

Hey, I know we barely know each other, and I don’t really bring anything to the table vis-à-vis with respect to passing this exam, but you know what I do have? Two bricks and a wheat.


OP-ED: Why Does No One Laugh At My Super-Relatable Jokes About My Tiny and Obscure Major?

Guys, what’s the deal with the bathroom in Hayden Hall? I say bathroom because, in this three-story building, there is only one.


Finally: Annoying Couple In Friend Group Breaks Up

"There have been about four flukes at this point, and we’ve all gotten our hopes crushed many times when they eventually rekindled their deniable chemistry."


Your Weekly Horoscope (According to My Roommate's Friend with Benefits)

It was a real honor that you chose me, Patrick Donahue, of all people, to write your weekly horoscope column that you only want me to write once.


International Student Delighted to Be Invited to Tense, Angry Dinner with Friend and Friend’s Family

The meal was an extended angry and tense silence.


Report: Those Creepy Twins Wandering Around Fisher Fine Arts Seem like Bad News

Spooky Szn may be over, but all the ghosts in Fisher Fine Arts are on the rampage to recruit some warm, new flesh to join the masses of souls doomed to forever walk the land of the living in a state of cursed limbo.


Bold Student Takes Initiative to Close Window in Chilly Classroom

Martin Clarence (C ’20) discovered something he'd long been suspecting: He is, in fact, better than other people. He is a hero.


Student Completes Tiny Act of Kindness for the Day, Spends Rest of Day Being a Dick Like Usual

At 9:54 a.m., Liam Taylor (C ’20) was on his way to get a spicy beverage from Pret a Manger when, in an act of complete selflessness and humility, he held open the door for the person behind him.


OP-ED: I'm Actually Playing This Computer Game to Distract My Classmates as a Form of Sabotage

There’s lots of ways students zone out during classes nowadays.


Class Goes Two Minutes Past 12:50, Whole Class Revolts

Current estimates suggest losses totalling over $10,000, including broken laptops, desks ripped off their hinges, and at least three broken noses and several other alleged broken noses that are being used as excuses to get a nose job.


New Study Finds that 72% of Students Going to the Bathroom During Class Are Actually Going to Hit Their Juuls

Have you ever been trying to take an innocent trip to the bathroom when, in the next stall over, you hear the tell-tale snap, crackle, pop of a Juul pod that’s less than 50% full?


BREAKING: Phone Contact’s Last Name Genuinely Is Tinder

Friends of Rachel Moore (C '19) were shocked yesterday when her phone buzzed with a new message from Mike Tinder.


Junior Begins Lonely Trek to 4th Floor of Van Pelt So He Can Shit in Solitude

Just moments ago, George Henchey (C '20) bid his friends adieu, trusting them to watch over his backpack as if it were their own, and set off on the long and lonely trip to the 4th floor of Van Pelt.


OP-ED: The Weather Kind of Sucks No Matter What It Does, Right?

It’s cold out!!! But then again, it was kind of hot a couple days ago, and that was kind of annoying too.


Sophomore’s Plan to Use Last Day of Fall Break to Catch Up on Three Weeks of Reading Backfires

College sophomore Martin Stone had the perfect plan for Fall Break. A two-step plan, he was going to spend weeks beforehand procrastinating on his readings because he’d “have time to finish everything over Fall Break,” and then he was going to further procrastinate on all his readings until the Sunday of break.


OP-ED: Fuck the Police, but If Your Party Gets Too Loud, I’m Calling the Cops

I may be powerless to stop you from blasting EDM at 2 a.m., but we have a public army of guards who will make sure that no innocent civilian is ever subjected to your Diplo remix of a song way more popular than the original.


Freshman Boy Who's Been 'Lifting All Week' Frustrated Pottruck Employees Still Don't Recognize Him

Derrick Thompson (C ’22) has been pumping iron all week, and for what reward? “The Pottruck employees still don’t recognize me,” Thompson lamented to UTB. “I’ve gone almost every other day for a week, and they treat me like I’m just one gym goer out of thousands. It’s offensive, honestly. Maybe they just don’t recognize me because of how swole I’ve gotten. That’s probably it.”


Group Project Beginning to Seriously Test Friendship

Wharton junior Casey Peterson was delighted when her best friend, Michelle Harris (C ’20), registered to join her in MKTG 205 (Intro to Subliminal buyfangstock Messaging). They only bought one copy of the textbook for the two to share and spent the first few classes blissfully mocking the boy in a suit in the front row. Neither suspected that this semester would be anything other than a sort of fun bonding experience, but then things took a dark turn.


OP-ED: I Know You Ate My Food, Sharon, I Saw It on My Nanny Cams

There’s a fox in the henhouse, and I know it’s you, Sharon. I bet you thought you were pretty damn clever with your “maybe you’d remember eating your own food if you didn’t come home blackout drunk four nights a week!” excuses. That is, at best, a flimsy cover, and, at worst, gaslighting.


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