Claudia Hogan


Articles

OP-ED: I Shop at Trader Joe's, and Yes, My Shits Are Better than Yours

While you all eat your wilted Fresh Grocer produce, I am eating a robust diet of organic vegetables and frozen foods from our friends at TJ’s. This provides the fiber that I need to shit upwards of three times a day. 


Student Dismayed to Find Out Senior Spring Doesn’t Really Start Until You Have a Job

I’m now more determined than ever to get a job so that at least I’ll be able to slack off during April.


"I'll Just Ace the Final" and Five Other Signs You're About to Fail This Course

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it just looks a lot like a C. In early days of February, here are a few signs that you’re already going to fail this course.


Smash Success 'You' Credited for 70% Rise in Introverted Boys' Ability to Get Dates for Valentine's Day

This time last year, a nerdy bookworm with a penchant for stealing girls’ phones and locking people in cages might have worried that he would never be able to land a date for Valentine’s Day.


BREAKING: Your Roommate Just Posted a Picture of Your Dirty Dishes in the Group Chat

Hey, guys. I don’t want to disrupt anyone, but it’s time to drop what you’re doing and clean up your fucking mess.


Quiz: Am I Stoned During Lecture, or Do I Just Have No More Fucks to Give?

Am I going to start putting in more work than ever now that my professional future is rapidly approaching? You bet your sweet ass I won’t. What am I doing instead? Take this quiz to find out!


Cold Makes Student Question Resolution to Go to Pottruck 5 Times a Week as Well as All Other Resolutions

I just think it’s really unfair that the new year conflicts with the coldest season of the year. 


Wellness Win: Student Lives with Endangered Panamanian Sloths to Not Feel Insecure About Study Habits

That’s when Brown decided to move into a house with a family of endangered Panamanian sloths.


OP-ED: I’ll Trade You Two Bricks and a Wheat for Your Final Study Guide

Hey, I know we barely know each other, and I don’t really bring anything to the table vis-à-vis with respect to passing this exam, but you know what I do have? Two bricks and a wheat.


OP-ED: Why Does No One Laugh At My Super-Relatable Jokes About My Tiny and Obscure Major?

Guys, what’s the deal with the bathroom in Hayden Hall? I say bathroom because, in this three-story building, there is only one.


Finally: Annoying Couple In Friend Group Breaks Up

"There have been about four flukes at this point, and we’ve all gotten our hopes crushed many times when they eventually rekindled their deniable chemistry."


Your Weekly Horoscope (According to My Roommate's Friend with Benefits)

It was a real honor that you chose me, Patrick Donahue, of all people, to write your weekly horoscope column that you only want me to write once.


International Student Delighted to Be Invited to Tense, Angry Dinner with Friend and Friend’s Family

The meal was an extended angry and tense silence.


Report: Those Creepy Twins Wandering Around Fisher Fine Arts Seem like Bad News

Spooky Szn may be over, but all the ghosts in Fisher Fine Arts are on the rampage to recruit some warm, new flesh to join the masses of souls doomed to forever walk the land of the living in a state of cursed limbo.


Bold Student Takes Initiative to Close Window in Chilly Classroom

Martin Clarence (C ’20) discovered something he'd long been suspecting: He is, in fact, better than other people. He is a hero.


Student Completes Tiny Act of Kindness for the Day, Spends Rest of Day Being a Dick Like Usual

At 9:54 a.m., Liam Taylor (C ’20) was on his way to get a spicy beverage from Pret a Manger when, in an act of complete selflessness and humility, he held open the door for the person behind him.


OP-ED: I'm Actually Playing This Computer Game to Distract My Classmates as a Form of Sabotage

There’s lots of ways students zone out during classes nowadays.


Class Goes Two Minutes Past 12:50, Whole Class Revolts

Current estimates suggest losses totalling over $10,000, including broken laptops, desks ripped off their hinges, and at least three broken noses and several other alleged broken noses that are being used as excuses to get a nose job.


New Study Finds that 72% of Students Going to the Bathroom During Class Are Actually Going to Hit Their Juuls

Have you ever been trying to take an innocent trip to the bathroom when, in the next stall over, you hear the tell-tale snap, crackle, pop of a Juul pod that’s less than 50% full?


BREAKING: Phone Contact’s Last Name Genuinely Is Tinder

Friends of Rachel Moore (C '19) were shocked yesterday when her phone buzzed with a new message from Mike Tinder.


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