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Gratitude Post: My Roommate Leaves Pubic Hair All Over the Bathroom so If She Commits a Crime, I Have DNA Samples


Photo by Erika Wittlieb / CC0

My roommate is the absolute best. Some roomies bake each other cookies, have spa nights, or watch movies together, but my roommate is much more considerate: she leaves her pubic hair all over the bathroom, so that if she commits a crime, I have DNA samples that can ensure a speedy trial and a swift conviction. She’s the best!

Not that I think my roommate is going to commit a crime, but let’s be honest, we all have our breaking points. Temptation comes in many forms. Hers might be theft, because she has finished my milk twice without asking, and then put its cold, lifeless form back in the fridge without a single drop left, because god knows she isn’t going to recycle it herself. But I don’t mind sharing! Or it could be embezzlement, an extension of when she pays the rent late and I have to cover it until she sends me a Venmo reimbursement in the middle of the night, weeks later. She’s so quirky!

But don’t worry: these are small things. If she commits a violent crime, I’ve got her. She’ll leave a hair, pubic or otherwise, at the crime scene, and as soon as she’s a suspect I’ll be able to go to the police with the growing piles of pubes I’ve picked up from the toilet seat, clogging the shower drain, swirling in the sink until I can’t even wash my hands without the water bubbling up into a hairy mass. Living with her is such an adventure!

When I’m on my hands and knees pulling pubic hair piles out from the bathroom tiles, dizzy from the fumes of bleach and humiliation, I remember: this all has a purpose. One day, she will slip. And I’ll be there to catch her—and turn her into the police. That’s what roomies are for!