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OP-ED: Can Someone Please Turn Every Water Fountain Into a Guacamole Dispenser and Every Classroom Into a TJ Maxx?


Photos (with edits by MJ Kang) by Mike Mozart / CC BY 2.0, Javier Lastras / CC 2.0, and Sulfur / CC BY-SA 3.0

Though our school obviously has a lot of issues, there’s one thing that nearly everyone agrees is a serious problem—and that has a very simple solution.

That’s right. It’s 2018, and we still have water fountains and classrooms, but no guacamole dispensers or TJ Maxx stores.

Can somebody PLEASE make all our water fountains guacamole dispensers, and make every classroom into a TJ Maxx?

It really would not be hard at all. Water fountains, as most people don’t know, are in fact water dispensers—which means that switching out the bland, runny liquid for some rich and creamy guacamole would probably be quite simple.

And classrooms are rooms, just like TJ Maxx stores. All TJ Maxx would have to do to turn our boring classrooms into oases of discount clothing would be to get rid of the chairs, replace them with racks, and adorn those racks with some name-brand yet inexpensive clothing. Voila. No more smelly classrooms, TONS of TJ Maxx.

Administrators always give me the same schpiel whenever I call them to talk about my idea: “We’re a school; we need classrooms. People need water, not guacamole. Why are you calling me at 4 am to talk about this...” Here is why they are wrong.

They say we need classrooms to have class, but why not teach in a TJ Maxx? In fact, I believe that holding all class meetings inside the store would help students—its layout has a certain feng shui that is very conducive to learning.

And what “not my president” Gutmann said about guacamole dispensers is false as well. What she failed to see is that guacamole, in fact, contains water in its makeup, so by replacing those obsolete water fountains with guacamole dispensers, we would not only have water but also a topping for burritos, quesadillas, and ice cream.

By the way, don’t come at me with that Marshall’s bullshit, saying it’s as good as TJ Maxx. It’s not. It’s just not. End of story. I do NOT HAVE TIME FOR YOU. LEAVE. Thank you.

In conclusion, to improve the mental, physical, and spiritual aspects of Penn students’ lives, we must turn every water fountain into a guacamole dispenser, and every classroom into a TJ Maxx.