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Jonah Weinbaum


Articles

How I Blew All $100,000 of My President's Engagement Prize on Luxury Shrimp

I started out with good intentions. My project, Juntos Garajados: Building Garages for Goats in Bolivia seemed positioned to be the next big South American goat garage-building project, and I had my budget down to a T. I knew I was about to change the world. 


Tiger Woods Attributes Masters Win to Practice with Pottruck Golf Simulator

If only the simulator had a drunk driving setting or an extramarital affair setting built in, it would be perfect.


OP-ED: Van Pelt Should Be Replaced with a 24-Hour Diner

Until College Green smells like syrup at all hours of the day, this university is not living up to its full potential.


This Week at the Kelly Writers House: Edible, Sex-Positive Zine Workshop

Topics of your zines can include, and are limited to, ethical non-monogamy in Papua New Guinea, the intersectional bisexuality of John Quincy Adams, and the best places to masturbate on campus.


Penn Records Achieves Largest Stamp Collection, Most Balls Juggled

The nation’s only collegiate organization focused only on setting world records.


OP-ED: Penn's Hookup Culture Doesn't Exist, Cuz If It Did I'd Be Slaying Mad Poon

Think about it. If people here really got down and dirty before dating for at least seven months, I, of all people, would be reaping the benefits.


Anime Club Member Deciding Which Body Pillow to Take to Date Night

"Hinata is so beautiful and we have great chemistry, but Sawako is such a good friend and so fun to dance with.”


Penn InTouch Login to Include Sending a Nude Photo to pennintouchdeveloper@upenn.edu

"Sending me nudes is absolutely critical for maintaining the security of Penn in touch. First of all, hackers will be distracted by the nudes and perhaps elect to self-stimulate rather than continuing to hack."


Fraternity Earns Record High Yield After Taking Rushes to the Penn Museum

“Even though the IFC always suggested a trip to the Penn Museum, for some reason I assumed it wouldn’t be as fun as going to New York or Atlantic City"


"Yo what it is fam, tryna bool doe homie?" Says White Boy from Greenwich

Word up, son. Finna hit Potty at nine oh deuce.


Uh Oh, You've Been Spooked by the Ghoul of Bad Advising! Like This Post or Face Seven Years of Course Registration Holds.

BOO! Scared you, didn't I. Now scram! And go like that post or I won't let you register for any courses for a very. long. time. 


Garfield Named Presidential Professor of Lasagna

Penn is adding yet another iconic public figure to its esteemed group of Presidential Professors of Practice.


Embarrassing: Penn Is Trying to Pass off a 1998 Dell PC as the ENIAC After Misplacing the Original

The enclosure in Moore where the Electronic Numerical Integrator And Computer (ENIAC) is normally on display now contains a late-20th Century Dell desktop computer.


Quiz: Is That Smell Aged Gorgonzola Or Your Roommate's Sheets?

I can only smell it in our room, but I haven’t ever left the room so it could be further than that.


Squirrels’ Pick: Garbage Truck Best Food Truck at Penn

The Garbage Truck has provided undergraduate squirrels, graduate squirrels, and squirrel faculty with delicious, fresh, and cheap eats. 


Generous: SHS to Provide Communal ChapStick This Fall

It’s obvious that we’re blessed to go to Penn. We have great sports teams, a robust counseling program, and cold weather. 


Pumpkin Spice Latte Too Spicy for White Freshman

Having heard rave reviews from his friends, College freshman Davis Grant decided it was time to expand his horizons and try a pumpkin spice latte.


West Philly Swingers Facing Shortage of Adventurous Couples

Penn’s favorite sex club masquerading as a dance group is struggling to stay alive.


Professor Cancels Class Due to Sadness Over Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande Breakup

Students in BIOL 213: Essentials of Vertebrate Physiology woke up to a pleasant surprise Wednesday morning.


Penn Announces Plan to Replace All University City Restaurants with Overpriced 'Bowl' Places

Penn plans to convert all restaurants on and around campus to trendy, overpriced “bowl” places, Director of Hospitality Services Ann Herman said in an announcement on Wednesday.


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