Jonah Weinbaum


Articles

Squirrels’ Pick: Garbage Truck Best Food Truck at Penn

The Garbage Truck has provided undergraduate squirrels, graduate squirrels, and squirrel faculty with delicious, fresh, and cheap eats. 


Generous: SHS to Provide Communal ChapStick This Fall

It’s obvious that we’re blessed to go to Penn. We have great sports teams, a robust counseling program, and cold weather. 


Pumpkin Spice Latte Too Spicy for White Freshman

Having heard rave reviews from his friends, College freshman Davis Grant decided it was time to expand his horizons and try a pumpkin spice latte.


West Philly Swingers Facing Shortage of Adventurous Couples

Penn’s favorite sex club masquerading as a dance group is struggling to stay alive.


Professor Cancels Class Due to Sadness Over Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande Breakup

Students in BIOL 213: Essentials of Vertebrate Physiology woke up to a pleasant surprise Wednesday morning.


Penn Announces Plan to Replace All University City Restaurants with Overpriced 'Bowl' Places

Penn plans to convert all restaurants on and around campus to trendy, overpriced “bowl” places, Director of Hospitality Services Ann Herman said in an announcement on Wednesday.


Wharton Unveils New Class OIDD 325: Justifying a Useless Career

The class, which has a 700-student limit, is taught by visiting professor and former head of analytic financial engagement database management at InvestCo, Jane Smithfield. It is expected to fill up quickly.


4 Things to Say to Convince Your Friend You Listened to Her WQHS Show

“I loved your show the other day, where you either talked or played music.”


Progressive Slap Cup Rule Update Replaces Bitch Cup With Meanie Cup

The American Society of Slap Cup (ASSCup) announced Friday that they had updated the rules of the popular drinking game Slap Cup to reflect calls for a more progressive game.


Geology Professor Cuts the Bullshit, Hands Everyone an A on the First Day of Class

Students in GEOL 104, Rocks and Sand, were met by a pleasant surprise on Tuesday when they received an email from CITsender. The Grade? An A+. For everyone in the class.


Hoodie Allen Wins MacArthur Genius Grant for Song 'UPenn Girls'

Penn alum Steven “Hoodie Allen” Markowitz has been selected for a 2018 MacArthur Fellowship, commonly known as the “Genius Grant,”  the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation announced Thursday.


4 Ways to Fashion Deli Meat Into Underwear After Forgetting to Do Your Laundry

Are you fresh out of underwear? Don't fear, we've got this one. We've cut down our deluge of delicatessen directions to our top four methods for crafting underwear out of deli meats.


Penn Vet in Lockdown After Humanoid Amphibian Escapes Its Tank

Penn Vet’s Secret Experimentation Center went into lockdown last night after a humanoid amphibian they were studying escaped its tank, University officials stated.


What Freshmen Had to Say About the Annual NSO Masquerade Orgy

While you may have attended the toga party during your orientation week, hopefully you didn't miss out on Penn's Annual NSO Masquerade Orgy. Always a hit amongst freshmen, staff, faculty, and alumni alike, we checked in with some (anonymous) underclassmen to get their reactions on the event.


Four Ways to Make a String-And-Can Telephone to Cheat on Finals

1. Use a string from the string store and a can from the can store.


Honest Mistake: Robert Kurzban Thought His Class Roster Was a List of Cute Singles in the Area

Robert Kurzban, the Penn psychology professor currently in the news for having romantic relationships with his students, has finally given an explanation for his actions.



Penn Students Now Bandwagon Fans of Every Philadelphia Sports Team Except the Phillies

“I’ve been a fan of the ‘Sixers since Dr. J joined the team in ‘76,” Wharton freshman Billy Hayes said. “Been trusting the process all along, and it’s finally starting to pay off.”


Host Shortage Forces 300 Prospective Freshmen to Sleep on College Green

College Green was covered in sleeping high school seniors Thursday night, as a lack of willing hosts forced Quaker Days attendees to embrace the great outdoors.


This Master Barterer Traded up From a Ferrari to a Pool Party Wristband

“I thought to myself, ‘I wonder how far I can take this?’” Michaels said.


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