Experts have estimated this cure will save at least 100,000 lives worldwide.

MGHI students will face a unique set of severe problems that the administration has overlooked. 

“My family did all get murdered, and I didn’t really have a good time dancing or whatever, but at least I got a photo that looked good.” 

“I’m just so excited to be a member of this club,” Lockwood said. “And it is a club, and not just a group of indentured servants working for the same master, because sometimes we have social events.” 

We wish him luck for the rest of his career and hope he retires with at least 500 years of teaching under his belt. 

Ep Eta has two choices: it can either rebrand itself as simply an environmental club or fully embrace what it means to be a fraternity and make all its members eat bullfrogs.

The naked old man, who said his name is Harold but declined to give his last name, said his behavior made complete sense. 

I started out with good intentions. My project, Juntos Garajados: Building Garages for Goats in Bolivia seemed positioned to be the next big South American goat garage-building project, and I had my budget down to a T. I knew I was about to change the world. 

If only the simulator had a drunk driving setting or an extramarital affair setting built in, it would be perfect.

Until College Green smells like syrup at all hours of the day, this university is not living up to its full potential.

Topics of your zines can include, and are limited to, ethical non-monogamy in Papua New Guinea, the intersectional bisexuality of John Quincy Adams, and the best places to masturbate on campus.

The nation’s only collegiate organization focused only on setting world records.

Think about it. If people here really got down and dirty before dating for at least seven months, I, of all people, would be reaping the benefits.

"Hinata is so beautiful and we have great chemistry, but Sawako is such a good friend and so fun to dance with.”

"Sending me nudes is absolutely critical for maintaining the security of Penn in touch. First of all, hackers will be distracted by the nudes and perhaps elect to self-stimulate rather than continuing to hack."

“Even though the IFC always suggested a trip to the Penn Museum, for some reason I assumed it wouldn’t be as fun as going to New York or Atlantic City"

Word up, son. Finna hit Potty at nine oh deuce.

BOO! Scared you, didn't I. Now scram! And go like that post or I won't let you register for any courses for a very. long. time. 

Penn is adding yet another iconic public figure to its esteemed group of Presidential Professors of Practice.

The enclosure in Moore where the Electronic Numerical Integrator And Computer (ENIAC) is normally on display now contains a late-20th Century Dell desktop computer.