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BREAKING: Katie Not Participating in Valentine’s Day Due to Its Dirty Eurocentric Capitalist Agenda and Also She's Single


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

After intense deliberation and thoughtful discourse, Katie Williams (C ’20) decided she would not participate in Valentine's Day this year. Her final decision was predicated mostly on the harmful and discriminatory history of the holiday, and also the fact that Katie is very much single so it doesn’t matter anyway.

In a Facebook post detailing her thought process, Katie explained that she could no longer rationalize prancing around in pink knowing very well that, as a female member of the proletariat, she was taught by society to like pink so the bourgeoisie could profit off her sheep-like behavior. Except in Katie’s case, they wouldn’t be profiting so much because no one was planning on buying her anything right now.

Katie was also horrified to realize that Valentine's Day, a holiday celebrated by praising a white baby with wings, takes away from the sacred celebration of Black History Month. Although Katie has never in her life observed Black history Month, she feels it is important to decolonize the month and take time to focus on the history and the people who really matter, "like Martin Luther King, and um, others like that," she said.

When asked where this discussion started, Katie was still figuring that out for herself. “I’ve always grown up in a pretty woke environment in New Canaan, Connecticut, so its possible that’s when these ideas started simmering. It’s funny though: I don’t think I started realizing how important this was to me until, like, three months after I finished my women’s studies course. I’m not sure why that is.” 

In a startling correlation, UTB reporters confirmed that Katie broke up with her boyfriend of six months three months after completing her women’s studies course. “Yeah, honestly, I can’t figure it out,” said Katie.