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UTB Staff


Articles

Robinhood Complex? UTB Wants You to Redistribute Your Wealth to Us Before We Do It For You

We don’t want to hurt you. We really don’t. And honestly, at the end of the day, we probably won’t. But do you really want to take that chance? 


5 Masturbation Tips While You're Stuck at Home

Need help whacking one out? UTB's got you covered!



QUIZ: Peaches the Pony Needs Your Ketamine for Life-Saving Surgery— Will You Give it to Her?

Does the youthful joy of an innocent pony mean nothing to you? 


Oh Fuck: Your Professor Just Said the Fuck Word

I also think historians should "stop using the fucking Enlightenment to explain every aspect of 18th-century western birthrate trends.”


REPORT: Many Horses Are Being Tranquilized on Penn's Campus

We have yet to locate the horse population or reason for its presence and tranquilization, but we are determined to find answers


Socially-Anxious Sophomore Gets High Off Leaving the Party Early

"I'm going home to watch television! Alone! In my bed!" she says while skipping with glee on the empty and bleak Philadelphia streets, having escaped what seemed like Pascal's cave.


Punny, Penn-y Valentines Day Cards: Part VIII

In case that last bunch didn't do it for ya (didn't I do it for you?).


Punny, Penn-y Valentine's Day Cards: Part VII

Another year, another round of sexy, sexy UTB Valentine's Day cards for that special someone.


Buying a Vibrator Won’t Solve All Your Problems (Unless It’s Clit-Sucking)

I’ll admit it — I didn’t buy a vibrator that day in the sex shop, I bought a way of life.


'My Time at Penn Was Transformative,' Says Alumnus Who Acquired a Cocaine Problem While Here

From Wall Street to the Upper East Side and to the black Escalade which shuttled them to and fro, Ivy-League graduates from a time before the present returned to their alma mater.


It's Equality: My Girl Calls Me Daddy, But I Call Her Mommy

I know what the rest of you patriarchal trash are thinking right now — the word “mommy” has no place in the bedroom. You could not be further from the truth. “Daddy” has become a mainstay of a typical American sex life for a reason.


Democratic Presidential Candidate Who Is Not Elizabeth Warren to Visit Campus as If I Care

The other candidate is a less white man. He has done some things in other countries. He might have fought in a war, but he may also have just taken pictures with children from abroad. I haven’t taken the time to figure out the details. Please don't ask me more questions, I don't feel like talking about this candidate anymore. 


Penn Students in Line at Smokes Actually Extras From a Cliche College Movie

Their cigarettes haphazardly dangle from the corners of their mouths as they launch verbal assaults in the hopes of gaining entrance — the hope to be just as they are, but under the safety of a ceiling. 


OP-ED: Hey, Have You Read My Email?

MY EMAIL! I’M TALKING ABOUT THAT EMAIL THAT YOU APPARENTLY HAVE NOT SEEN AND MAYBE WILL NOT SEE. 


International Student Brands Himself as Gift to the City

“I am looking to raise the visibility of Philadelphia as a city,” said Guinness to his international vlog channel, blowing a puff of a sexy Parliament cigarette.


After BioPond Development, Penn Reaffirms Commitment to Green Space with Marijuana Dispensary

In a bold move, the Penn administration has opted to pave over the BioPond, because "nature is gross." After widespread outcry from the student body, the administration has decided to placate protesters by building a marijuana dispensary next to the nice parking lot where the BioPond once stood.


Breaking: Low-Tier Frat Bro Already Practicing His "Take a Lap" for Upcoming NSO Season

“Wait, how many girls do you have with you?” *rips juul* “Eh…Take a lap, guys.”  


Op-Ed: Yeah, I Met a Guy This Summer. His Name Is McKinsey.

 I am MicKinsey's, and McKinsey's mine.  


PPEN AMDKITS A RECORD LOW 7,.4 PERCENENNT OF APPLICANTNSN OT THE CLASS OF 3202

REYFGULAR DIEICIOSNS APPLCIATNSTS TO PENNENE AND OTHER OTHER IVY LEAGEGEGE SCHOOLLSLS CAN VIIEM THEIRR AMDMDISSIION DECIISONS STARTINT THRURSDYA NARCH 28 AT 7 PM EASTERN TIMEM E.  


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