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Articles

One Child Nation! Chinese International Realizes on a Night Out That She in Fact Does Not Know a Brother

Chinese-American student Ariana Grande (C’23) was present at the manifestation of the omen. 


Aw Shucks! Former CIS 160 TA Now Works at Apple Genius Bar

He got a FAANG acceptance!


Attention Beth Winkelstein! You May Be Eligible for a Booster

We are very please that despite many of your limitations, you were able to snag a coveted University administration spot, as INTERIM–provisional, temporary, short-term, etc.–Provost. 


Blessed Omen: I Asked My Therapist to Call Me Angel. She Took It Too Far

אבל כל המסעות חייבים להסתיים שכן רק על ידי הפסקת מסע זה בכלל מסע, אחרת אנחנו מעמידים את עצמנו במצב מתמיד של תנופה, בלי יכולת ליישם את ממצאי המסע שלנו. אָמֵן.



Jaywalking is a Mortal Sin Worthy of Eternal Damnation

I remember the days when a neighbor was a friend, a jaywalker was a scoundrel, and a woman’s rightful place was in the kitchen. How have we gone so wrong so quickly?


Progressive! Penn to Rename FGLI Students P.E.A.S.A.N.T.S.

Go P.E.A.S.A.N.T.S!


Penn InTouch Replacement to Include Professor Sexiness Scale

Wouldn't you wanna know how big your daddy issues for next sem will be?


OP-ED: Don’t You Think Homosexuals Are Just Narcissistic?

Hear me out. It's what they would want: voices being heard. 


Beloved Math 104 Professor Robert Ghrist Unveils New NSFW YouTube Channel

Though his instruction is clear, most of prof/g’s success can be attributed to something far more crude: his god-given voice. 


Mathematics Department Eradicated as Everything Revealed to Have Two Sides

Though many students were elated to hear this wonderful news of Penn’s moral progress, a few students, namely heterosexual females who previously listened to Profesor Ghrist’s salacious math videos, were displeased by the news.


New Prez Magill to Go By ‘L-Dawg’ to Get Down With the Kids

No cap, this bout to get lit.


OP-ED: Your Show Was Actually, Like, Good WTF

 Guys, I’m about to, like, say something a little bit controversial. Don’t cancel me pleaseeeee :( 


“I’m Coming to Your Show” and Other Lies I’ve Told This Week

Can you bear to look into their eyes, their innocent, pleading eyes, and tell them no one cares? I certainly don’t. Here are three excuses to use, and other lies I’ve told this week.


OP-ED: What The Fuck Is A Provost?

Provost this, provost that. Someone help us out here.


Germany to Be Re-Named Germ-Amy in Honor of Gutmann

And in German it's now Gutschland. Hurrah!


Five Giant Fall Scarves That Are Actually Just Trauma Blankets for When Your Heroes Inevitably Commit Sexual Assault

If this doesn’t say fall we don’t know what does! Drape yourself in this luscious autumnal accessory in an attempt to externally heal your wounds that have already been very deeply internalized. 


UTB Endorses Xi Jinping for Reelection as Chairman at 2022 National Congress of Chinese Politburo

The renewal of Xi’s term as Chairman is the only realistic way to realize the Great Renaissance of the Chinese Nation. 


Mask and Wig to Accept Women, Only if They're Hot Though

Penn’s Mask and Wig Club, the oldest all-male collegiate musical comedy troupe in the United States, will welcome members of all genders for the 2022-2023 academic year, as long as they are physically attractive to current members.


REPORT: Wilcaf Nepotism Responsible for Rising Student Unemployment Rate

Is this the end for meritocracy?


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