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UTB Staff


Articles

5 Masturbation Tips While You're Stuck at Home

Need help whacking one out? UTB's got you covered!



QUIZ: Peaches the Pony Needs Your Ketamine for Life-Saving Surgery— Will You Give it to Her?

Does the youthful joy of an innocent pony mean nothing to you? 


Oh Fuck: Your Professor Just Said the Fuck Word

I also think historians should "stop using the fucking Enlightenment to explain every aspect of 18th-century western birthrate trends.”


Punny, Penn-y Valentines Day Cards: Part VIII

In case that last bunch didn't do it for ya (didn't I do it for you?).


Punny, Penn-y Valentine's Day Cards: Part VII

Another year, another round of sexy, sexy UTB Valentine's Day cards for that special someone.


Buying a Vibrator Won’t Solve All Your Problems (Unless It’s Clit-Sucking)

I’ll admit it — I didn’t buy a vibrator that day in the sex shop, I bought a way of life.


It's Equality: My Girl Calls Me Daddy, But I Call Her Mommy

I know what the rest of you patriarchal trash are thinking right now — the word “mommy” has no place in the bedroom. You could not be further from the truth. “Daddy” has become a mainstay of a typical American sex life for a reason.


Democratic Presidential Candidate Who Is Not Elizabeth Warren to Visit Campus as If I Care

The other candidate is a less white man. He has done some things in other countries. He might have fought in a war, but he may also have just taken pictures with children from abroad. I haven’t taken the time to figure out the details. Please don't ask me more questions, I don't feel like talking about this candidate anymore. 


International Student Brands Himself as Gift to the City

“I am looking to raise the visibility of Philadelphia as a city,” said Guinness to his international vlog channel, blowing a puff of a sexy Parliament cigarette.


After BioPond Development, Penn Reaffirms Commitment to Green Space with Marijuana Dispensary

In a bold move, the Penn administration has opted to pave over the BioPond, because "nature is gross." After widespread outcry from the student body, the administration has decided to placate protesters by building a marijuana dispensary next to the nice parking lot where the BioPond once stood.


PPEN AMDKITS A RECORD LOW 7,.4 PERCENENNT OF APPLICANTNSN OT THE CLASS OF 3202

REYFGULAR DIEICIOSNS APPLCIATNSTS TO PENNENE AND OTHER OTHER IVY LEAGEGEGE SCHOOLLSLS CAN VIIEM THEIRR AMDMDISSIION DECIISONS STARTINT THRURSDYA NARCH 28 AT 7 PM EASTERN TIMEM E.  


PENENEN UNDRGRYADTED DIDGANOPED WITH MUMSSPS AS OTUBNREAK AT TTMEPLE SGROWS

PUHTLIC HELATH OFIFIIALS BELEEVE THA CASESSES AT PEPENE IS UNCCONENNECTED TO THE TEEMEPLE OOTBREK.


MET SOME THE BBYYY QUAKER ADMIT TO CLASS 2023

“EXCITE!!!!!!” SHE SAY. 


INUN THOS WEKKS CRIMEM LEOG: AGGRAAVATD ASSUAALT AANUD 3 DUIIS

MÏRCH 15: A COMNDINDNATIAL HARRASISMNENT INDFICNCENT WAS RPEOPSONRETED. 


US POTE LAUATE TRACYKSMITH EXPLAIN VALUE POTREY POETRY POETRY IN CONSUME RISTR SOCIETYATPEN NN

UNTIED STATES APORTE LAURAT TRACY SMITH SPOKE POLITICALE TECHNO TECNOLG TECHONOLOG CULTURE AT PHILWE MATHEPN  SOCIETY. SMITH, WHO BOOK PUBLISH ON AM PHILOMATHEAN SOCIETY ANNUAL ORA TAO ORATION READ POETRY. 


THE JERM FISH PROMGAM IN MANAGAMENT AN TEHNOLOY, COMMONLY REEFER TO AS M& & & T, HELD ITS SECNDO ANULA SUMIT ON SATURDAY

TISH YRAEAS SMITUTMTUM FOUCSSD ON “”DISDTURP UTIVE TECHNGOOGIL”” THAT CUASE CGHENGES IN THE MKRETAS, SHCUH AS CRYPYTTOYYOOPTCURIVCICNESCES AND CLDOUDOD COMPOT. SEINSIORS IN MMMMMMMMM& PRSTNESD THEIR DGSIENS PRJCOETS TO A PENAL OF ALNMUI JGUDSE IN COMPETMGNG FR A $20))020202002 PIRZE.


Punny, Penn-y Valentine's Day Cards: Part VI

We're spoiling you this year with a part ii of the UTB staff's V-day creations.


Punny, Penn-y Valentine's Day Cards: Part V

Why are y'all gagging — we give it to you every Valentine's day.


Dear 69th Street: I Can’t Cum Unless I’m Listening to This American Life with Ira Glass

I had no idea I was classically conditioning myself to associate sex with Ira, but now I absolutely cannot cum without his voluptuous voice tapping on my eardrums.


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