Girl with Mommy Kink Very Excited for Big-Little Week
It's the best week of the year for some.
UTB Staff
Ketamine Enthusiasts Excited for the Year of the Horse
This year’s incarnation, the Fire Horse, promises rapid change and transformation, an untamed force that refuses stagnation. To many ket-heads, this is less a prediction than a confirmation: the universe is finally speaking their language.
Girl with Mommy Kink Very Excited for Big-Little Week
It's the best week of the year for some.
Op-Ed: Old White Women With Pixie Cuts Are Evil
In this exposé, I shall present to readers photo exhibits and real-life images of what I mean when I say old white women with pixie cuts are evil evil creatures, brought upon the earth to poison us with their thoughts and actions.
Ketamine Enthusiasts Excited for the Year of the Horse
This year’s incarnation, the Fire Horse, promises rapid change and transformation, an untamed force that refuses stagnation. To many ket-heads, this is less a prediction than a confirmation: the universe is finally speaking their language.
Zete Unilaterally Celebrated for Implementing Trump's DEI Policies Two Decades in Advance
Zete knew this day was coming.
After Accidentally Eating Iftar Food, Penn Student Deemed “Muslim Enough” to be Deported by ICE
The news comes amidst reports of immigration raids at Columbia University, where students are allegedly being detained for involvement in pro-Palestinian protests, speaking Arabic in public, or otherwise looking vaguely ethnic.
OP-ED: I Will Kill You
UTB Staff
Wednesday, Feb. 26, 2025Wed, Feb 26, 2025
Do you remember that time when we were with our friends walking on Locust and someone farted (not me) and you loudly exclaimed “chocolate’s getting cooked in the Hershey factory!!!” and everyone laughed. Shut up bro, they call me Hershey now.
Quitting Nicotine Is So Easy! I’ve Already Done It Like 6 Times
Vaping is bad for you.
BREAKING: Cork and Candles Shuts Down After Management Realizes What a Dumbass Idea It Was
Marketing professor Barbara Kahn put it plainly: "I don't know what the fuck they were thinking."
Ramadan Kareem! J. Larry Jameson Leads Friday Jummah Prayer in Efforts to Address Penn Administration's Islamophobia
He now goes by Shaikh J.(Jamal) Al-Latif Jaabir
Amid Campus Unity on Sidechat, Students Wonder When They Can Bully Each Other Again
UTB Staff
Tuesday, March 26, 2024Tue, Mar 26, 2024
“I haven’t called someone out by their initials on Sidechat in almost three days! I think I’m going through withdrawal.”
Life Hack: I Got 4,000 Karma by Posting “Love eachother” on Sidechat.
UTB Staff
Monday, March 25, 2024Mon, Mar 25, 2024
In a time of growing campus unity, someone needed to remind the student body that love is the only answer. Obviously, that someone was me.
Quad Custodian Unearths Stunning 9 Foot Long Cum Fossil in Boys' Shower Drain
It’s sure to come in first place at this year’s national cum fossil convention.
Charlotte’s Surprise Pregnancy: Stingray Jesus or Classic Case of 2-Sharks-1-Stingray Threesome?
Is Charlotte the Virgin Mary of aquariums, or just a freaky lil gal...
Fiji Hosts Case Race for Palestine
I don’t know about you guys, but my money's on Fred the alcoholic. I heard that guy can pound ‘em back like there’s no tomorrow!
Antisemitism Does Not End Your Career, Bad Music Does: A Vultures Case Study
I’d rather listen to my dentist perform a root canal using some rusty drill
Jon Huntsman to Reinstate Donation After “Feeling Represented” by Penn President For First Time Since 1993 All-Female Run
Huntsman is no stranger to diversity, boasting several years of global ambassadorship under his belt and more impressively and relevantly, an LDS mission to Taiwan
OP-ED: I Was Lulled to Sleep by My Upstair Neighbor’s Stroke Game Last Night. Do better, lil Bro.
Every time you fell, you got up again
Hotshot Candidate for Penn Presidency Hosts Israeli Writers Conference in Genius Move
Kinda crazy no one else thought to do this
