Penn’s Mask and Wig Club, the oldest all-male collegiate musical comedy troupe in the United States, will welcome members of all genders for the 2022-2023 academic year, as long as they are physically attractive to current members.

Is this the end for meritocracy?

 I thought they would come out silently; you’d go about your day with nothing but a subtle, lingering taste of baba ganoush in your mouth, and I’d go about my day with the satisfaction of knowing that I put it there. 

Instead of society deeming him undesirable and unworthy of getting intimate with another human being, Jared will not be fucking to honor his Savior Jesus Christ instead.

We were able to sit down with Sigma Ligma Pau’s philanthropy chair and recovering 4 Loko addict, Chad, for a statement. 

UTB kicks it back and makes the most of their spring stay!

UTB: It feels amazing knowing that we’re the sole source of news on this campus. 

CB: We all have anxious-preoccupied attachment styles and need constant validation and love from all of our peers, whether or not it is coerced, to feel like life is worth living. Oh, and we really wanted to get into Friars.  

K&K: Ultimately, I am obsessed with hearing the sound of my own voice — in fact, when other people speak, it makes me viscerally sick. I’ve also always had a proclivity for backward walking and repressing my trauma and would be thrilled to add both to my resume. 

Take our quiz!

“We noticed that for some reason this is a skill that not everybody has,” explained sorority member, Emma Jones. 

We had a meeting and asked ourselves: what demographic cohort would be most likely to want a free IUD? The obvious answer was, of course, sluts.

We don’t want to hurt you. We really don’t. And honestly, at the end of the day, we probably won’t. But do you really want to take that chance? 

Your best fremeny only turns 20 and a half ONCE.

Gay rights lasted 5 whole years. That’s almost as long as Glee’s 6-year TV run, and that should count for something!

Need help whacking one out? UTB's got you covered!

Does the youthful joy of an innocent pony mean nothing to you? 

“I love that he’s trying to set up a little schedule for himself during all of this chaos,” said Jafri in reference to his professor’s firm and unwavering midterm deadline. “I read that that can be really helpful in trying to feel like you have a sense of control. Genuinely, it’s so sweet he’s setting goals for himself. I’m really happy for him.” 

Since getting back in the swing of things, Garcia has taken great pleasure in closely examining her eyebrows throughout her statistics class.