UTB kicks it back and makes the most of their spring stay!

UTB: It feels amazing knowing that we’re the sole source of news on this campus. 

CB: We all have anxious-preoccupied attachment styles and need constant validation and love from all of our peers, whether or not it is coerced, to feel like life is worth living. Oh, and we really wanted to get into Friars.  

K&K: Ultimately, I am obsessed with hearing the sound of my own voice — in fact, when other people speak, it makes me viscerally sick. I’ve also always had a proclivity for backward walking and repressing my trauma and would be thrilled to add both to my resume. 

Take our quiz!

“We noticed that for some reason this is a skill that not everybody has,” explained sorority member, Emma Jones. 

We don’t want to hurt you. We really don’t. And honestly, at the end of the day, we probably won’t. But do you really want to take that chance? 

Need help whacking one out? UTB's got you covered!

Does the youthful joy of an innocent pony mean nothing to you? 

I also think historians should "stop using the fucking Enlightenment to explain every aspect of 18th-century western birthrate trends.”

We have yet to locate the horse population or reason for its presence and tranquilization, but we are determined to find answers

"I'm going home to watch television! Alone! In my bed!" she says while skipping with glee on the empty and bleak Philadelphia streets, having escaped what seemed like Pascal's cave.

In case that last bunch didn't do it for ya (didn't I do it for you?).

Another year, another round of sexy, sexy UTB Valentine's Day cards for that special someone.

I’ll admit it — I didn’t buy a vibrator that day in the sex shop, I bought a way of life.

With her quick little update, she’d shown all of the finance bros in her senior year classes who really was the best and brightest — by working to starve migrant children.  

From Wall Street to the Upper East Side and to the black Escalade which shuttled them to and fro, Ivy-League graduates from a time before the present returned to their alma mater.

I know what the rest of you patriarchal trash are thinking right now — the word “mommy” has no place in the bedroom. You could not be further from the truth. “Daddy” has become a mainstay of a typical American sex life for a reason.

The other candidate is a less white man. He has done some things in other countries. He might have fought in a war, but he may also have just taken pictures with children from abroad. I haven’t taken the time to figure out the details. Please don't ask me more questions, I don't feel like talking about this candidate anymore.