We don’t want to hurt you. We really don’t. And honestly, at the end of the day, we probably won’t. But do you really want to take that chance? 

Need help whacking one out? UTB's got you covered!

Does the youthful joy of an innocent pony mean nothing to you? 

I also think historians should "stop using the fucking Enlightenment to explain every aspect of 18th-century western birthrate trends.”

We have yet to locate the horse population or reason for its presence and tranquilization, but we are determined to find answers

"I'm going home to watch television! Alone! In my bed!" she says while skipping with glee on the empty and bleak Philadelphia streets, having escaped what seemed like Pascal's cave.

In case that last bunch didn't do it for ya (didn't I do it for you?).

Another year, another round of sexy, sexy UTB Valentine's Day cards for that special someone.

I’ll admit it — I didn’t buy a vibrator that day in the sex shop, I bought a way of life.

From Wall Street to the Upper East Side and to the black Escalade which shuttled them to and fro, Ivy-League graduates from a time before the present returned to their alma mater.

I know what the rest of you patriarchal trash are thinking right now — the word “mommy” has no place in the bedroom. You could not be further from the truth. “Daddy” has become a mainstay of a typical American sex life for a reason.

The other candidate is a less white man. He has done some things in other countries. He might have fought in a war, but he may also have just taken pictures with children from abroad. I haven’t taken the time to figure out the details. Please don't ask me more questions, I don't feel like talking about this candidate anymore. 

Their cigarettes haphazardly dangle from the corners of their mouths as they launch verbal assaults in the hopes of gaining entrance — the hope to be just as they are, but under the safety of a ceiling. 

MY EMAIL! I’M TALKING ABOUT THAT EMAIL THAT YOU APPARENTLY HAVE NOT SEEN AND MAYBE WILL NOT SEE. 

“I am looking to raise the visibility of Philadelphia as a city,” said Guinness to his international vlog channel, blowing a puff of a sexy Parliament cigarette.

In a bold move, the Penn administration has opted to pave over the BioPond, because "nature is gross." After widespread outcry from the student body, the administration has decided to placate protesters by building a marijuana dispensary next to the nice parking lot where the BioPond once stood.

“Wait, how many girls do you have with you?” *rips juul* “Eh…Take a lap, guys.”  

 I am MicKinsey's, and McKinsey's mine.  

REYFGULAR DIEICIOSNS APPLCIATNSTS TO PENNENE AND OTHER OTHER IVY LEAGEGEGE SCHOOLLSLS CAN VIIEM THEIRR AMDMDISSIION DECIISONS STARTINT THRURSDYA NARCH 28 AT 7 PM EASTERN TIMEM E.