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UTB Staff


Articles

Quad Custodian Unearths Stunning 9 Foot Long Cum Fossil in Boys' Shower Drain

It’s sure to come in first place at this year’s national cum fossil convention.


Charlotte’s Surprise Pregnancy: Stingray Jesus or Classic Case of 2-Sharks-1-Stingray Threesome?

Is Charlotte the Virgin Mary of aquariums, or just a freaky lil gal...


Antisemitism Does Not End Your Career, Bad Music Does: A Vultures Case Study

I’d rather listen to my dentist perform a root canal using some rusty drill


4 Essential Tips to Care for your Single Roommate Who Gets No Play

We at UTB have amassed a core set of caring techniques for those with roommates who get no play


Damn: Exchange Student in Class Not the Sexy Type of Foreign

She was eating boiled potatoes and some sort of dried fish. Gross. Damn. It was like 10:00am.


I’m A Communications Major and Consumer Psych Minor, But I’m Different. I Like Uncut Cock.

Don't worry about the hyperlinks, they're safe to click. I promise. 


Duos This, Gardens That; I Just Wanna Party Party Party Till My Panties Fall Off

When I next put on some groovy flared jeans, I will shake ass. I will party party party till my panties fall down. 


DRL’s Exposed Lead Pipes Reported to Cause Hallucinations: Students Claiming Encounters with Mythical Beings such as Attractive Math Majors and Clean Engineers

In response to this crisis, Penn has decided to remove all plumbing in DRL until 2028.


The Mirrors in DRL Remind Me I Belong There

As I hobbled down the hallway, I took a quick glance to my left and saw my reflection.


If 1 in 5 People in the World Are Actually Chinese, Why Do I Still Have No Ethnic Friends?

My lightweight rowing team also, suspiciously, is all white. Any group of 5 that I create out of them has no Chinese people in it at all.


Super Bowl? I Thought This Weed Was Just Okay

I mean, it was a fun sesh, but super? I thought it was pretty standard, all things considered. 


op-id: i got my hipocampal fat removal at es aych es i think

i said i want to luk like liamishel and i want surgury liamishel has and nurs sed ok


Breaking! I Was Held Hostage and Tortured Inside Five Guys this Entire Time

It’s incredible how much mental and physical torture five men can inflict in just 18 months.


Local Student Outsmarts Van Pelt Bag Search Policy by Shoving Rare 19th Century Manuscript Up Ass

Witnesses say the suspect was last seen waddling past the library security desk.


Vibrator Left Behind in Huntsman GSR After Inaugural Edge Fund Board Meeting

“Anyone else smell fish?” asked a concerned bystander.


Intersectionality Win! CAS Boy Dates Wharton Boy

He did corporate finance, I wrote about instability in the middle east... we are the posterboys for diversity at Penn. <3


Huntsman To Be Dissolved To Dust, Gigantic and Obscene Monument For Wharton Alliance To Be Erected in Its Place

Ten limp twink bodies found in Huntsman Hall GSR, all identified as Wharton Alliance freshmen pregaming Queer Formal.


One Child Nation! Chinese International Realizes on a Night Out That She in Fact Does Not Know a Brother

Chinese-American student Ariana Grande (C’23) was present at the manifestation of the omen. 


Fossil Free Tent People’s Newest Water Saving Demand: End Douching

"How can a man love mother nature if they cannot love women?"


Aw Shucks! Former CIS 160 TA Now Works at Apple Genius Bar

He got a FAANG acceptance!


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