Need help whacking one out? UTB's got you covered!

Does the youthful joy of an innocent pony mean nothing to you? 

I also think historians should "stop using the fucking Enlightenment to explain every aspect of 18th-century western birthrate trends.”

In case that last bunch didn't do it for ya (didn't I do it for you?).

Another year, another round of sexy, sexy UTB Valentine's Day cards for that special someone.

I’ll admit it — I didn’t buy a vibrator that day in the sex shop, I bought a way of life.

I know what the rest of you patriarchal trash are thinking right now — the word “mommy” has no place in the bedroom. You could not be further from the truth. “Daddy” has become a mainstay of a typical American sex life for a reason.

The other candidate is a less white man. He has done some things in other countries. He might have fought in a war, but he may also have just taken pictures with children from abroad. I haven’t taken the time to figure out the details. Please don't ask me more questions, I don't feel like talking about this candidate anymore. 

“I am looking to raise the visibility of Philadelphia as a city,” said Guinness to his international vlog channel, blowing a puff of a sexy Parliament cigarette.

In a bold move, the Penn administration has opted to pave over the BioPond, because "nature is gross." After widespread outcry from the student body, the administration has decided to placate protesters by building a marijuana dispensary next to the nice parking lot where the BioPond once stood.

REYFGULAR DIEICIOSNS APPLCIATNSTS TO PENNENE AND OTHER OTHER IVY LEAGEGEGE SCHOOLLSLS CAN VIIEM THEIRR AMDMDISSIION DECIISONS STARTINT THRURSDYA NARCH 28 AT 7 PM EASTERN TIMEM E.  

PUHTLIC HELATH OFIFIIALS BELEEVE THA CASESSES AT PEPENE IS UNCCONENNECTED TO THE TEEMEPLE OOTBREK.

“EXCITE!!!!!!” SHE SAY. 

MÏRCH 15: A COMNDINDNATIAL HARRASISMNENT INDFICNCENT WAS RPEOPSONRETED. 

UNTIED STATES APORTE LAURAT TRACY SMITH SPOKE POLITICALE TECHNO TECNOLG TECHONOLOG CULTURE AT PHILWE MATHEPN  SOCIETY. SMITH, WHO BOOK PUBLISH ON AM PHILOMATHEAN SOCIETY ANNUAL ORA TAO ORATION READ POETRY. 

TISH YRAEAS SMITUTMTUM FOUCSSD ON “”DISDTURP UTIVE TECHNGOOGIL”” THAT CUASE CGHENGES IN THE MKRETAS, SHCUH AS CRYPYTTOYYOOPTCURIVCICNESCES AND CLDOUDOD COMPOT. SEINSIORS IN MMMMMMMMM& PRSTNESD THEIR DGSIENS PRJCOETS TO A PENAL OF ALNMUI JGUDSE IN COMPETMGNG FR A $20))020202002 PIRZE.

We're spoiling you this year with a part ii of the UTB staff's V-day creations.

Why are y'all gagging — we give it to you every Valentine's day.

I had no idea I was classically conditioning myself to associate sex with Ira, but now I absolutely cannot cum without his voluptuous voice tapping on my eardrums.