Under the Button is part of a student-run nonprofit.

Please support us by disabling your ad blocker on our site.

UTB Staff


Articles

OP-ED: Your Show Was Actually, Like, Good WTF

 Guys, I’m about to, like, say something a little bit controversial. Don’t cancel me pleaseeeee :( 


“I’m Coming to Your Show” and Other Lies I’ve Told This Week

Can you bear to look into their eyes, their innocent, pleading eyes, and tell them no one cares? I certainly don’t. Here are three excuses to use, and other lies I’ve told this week.


OP-ED: What The Fuck Is A Provost?

Provost this, provost that. Someone help us out here.


Germany to Be Re-Named Germ-Amy in Honor of Gutmann

And in German it's now Gutschland. Hurrah!


Five Giant Fall Scarves That Are Actually Just Trauma Blankets for When Your Heroes Inevitably Commit Sexual Assault

If this doesn’t say fall we don’t know what does! Drape yourself in this luscious autumnal accessory in an attempt to externally heal your wounds that have already been very deeply internalized. 


UTB Endorses Xi Jinping for Reelection as Chairman at 2022 National Congress of Chinese Politburo

The renewal of Xi’s term as Chairman is the only realistic way to realize the Great Renaissance of the Chinese Nation. 


Mask and Wig to Accept Women, Only if They're Hot Though

Penn’s Mask and Wig Club, the oldest all-male collegiate musical comedy troupe in the United States, will welcome members of all genders for the 2022-2023 academic year, as long as they are physically attractive to current members.


REPORT: Wilcaf Nepotism Responsible for Rising Student Unemployment Rate

Is this the end for meritocracy?


Fuck: I've Already Farted in All of My Classes

 I thought they would come out silently; you’d go about your day with nothing but a subtle, lingering taste of baba ganoush in your mouth, and I’d go about my day with the satisfaction of knowing that I put it there. 


Incel to Give Up Sex for Lent

Instead of society deeming him undesirable and unworthy of getting intimate with another human being, Jared will not be fucking to honor his Savior Jesus Christ instead.


Frat Philanthropy Drive Gone Awry: 4 Lokos 4 Locals

We were able to sit down with Sigma Ligma Pau’s philanthropy chair and recovering 4 Loko addict, Chad, for a statement. 


UTB Enjoys Their Spring Stay

UTB kicks it back and makes the most of their spring stay!


Ego of the Weak: Under the Button

UTB: It feels amazing knowing that we’re the sole source of news on this campus. 


Ego of the Weak: Class Board

CB: We all have anxious-preoccupied attachment styles and need constant validation and love from all of our peers, whether or not it is coerced, to feel like life is worth living. Oh, and we really wanted to get into Friars.  


Ego of the Weak: Kite and Key

K&K: Ultimately, I am obsessed with hearing the sound of my own voice — in fact, when other people speak, it makes me viscerally sick. I’ve also always had a proclivity for backward walking and repressing my trauma and would be thrilled to add both to my resume. 



Breaking: Off-Campus Sorority Holds Workshop Teaching Needy Kids How to Copy & Paste

“We noticed that for some reason this is a skill that not everybody has,” explained sorority member, Emma Jones. 


“Hey Slut! Want A Free IUD?” Penn Medicine Pilots New Targeted Ads

We had a meeting and asked ourselves: what demographic cohort would be most likely to want a free IUD? The obvious answer was, of course, sluts.


Robinhood Complex? UTB Wants You to Redistribute Your Wealth to Us Before We Do It For You

We don’t want to hurt you. We really don’t. And honestly, at the end of the day, we probably won’t. But do you really want to take that chance? 


Here's How to Justify That Party You Went To

Your best fremeny only turns 20 and a half ONCE.


PennConnects