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UTB Staff


Articles

Incel to Give Up Sex for Lent

Instead of society deeming him undesirable and unworthy of getting intimate with another human being, Jared will not be fucking to honor his Savior Jesus Christ instead.


Frat Philanthropy Drive Gone Awry: 4 Lokos 4 Locals

We were able to sit down with Sigma Ligma Pau’s philanthropy chair and recovering 4 Loko addict, Chad, for a statement. 


UTB Enjoys Their Spring Stay

UTB kicks it back and makes the most of their spring stay!


Ego of the Weak: Under the Button

UTB: It feels amazing knowing that we’re the sole source of news on this campus. 


Ego of the Weak: Class Board

CB: We all have anxious-preoccupied attachment styles and need constant validation and love from all of our peers, whether or not it is coerced, to feel like life is worth living. Oh, and we really wanted to get into Friars.  


Ego of the Weak: Kite and Key

K&K: Ultimately, I am obsessed with hearing the sound of my own voice — in fact, when other people speak, it makes me viscerally sick. I’ve also always had a proclivity for backward walking and repressing my trauma and would be thrilled to add both to my resume. 



Breaking: Off-Campus Sorority Holds Workshop Teaching Needy Kids How to Copy & Paste

“We noticed that for some reason this is a skill that not everybody has,” explained sorority member, Emma Jones. 


Robinhood Complex? UTB Wants You to Redistribute Your Wealth to Us Before We Do It For You

We don’t want to hurt you. We really don’t. And honestly, at the end of the day, we probably won’t. But do you really want to take that chance? 


5 Ways to Announce You’re Going Back In The Closet Following ACB Confirmation

Gay rights lasted 5 whole years. That’s almost as long as Glee’s 6-year TV run, and that should count for something!


5 Masturbation Tips While You're Stuck at Home

Need help whacking one out? UTB's got you covered!



QUIZ: Peaches the Pony Needs Your Ketamine for Life-Saving Surgery— Will You Give it to Her?

Does the youthful joy of an innocent pony mean nothing to you? 


Oh Fuck: Your Professor Just Said the Fuck Word

I also think historians should "stop using the fucking Enlightenment to explain every aspect of 18th-century western birthrate trends.”


Too Many People Are Part of the Problem in 2020 Political Discourse. Not Me — Here’s Why.

According to a recent study I heard somewhere but can’t totally remember where, a whopping 80% of Americans don’t base their political opinions on facts and opt instead to listen to biased talking heads. When I read this from this person I follow on Twitter, I was shocked.


REPORT: Many Horses Are Being Tranquilized on Penn's Campus

We have yet to locate the horse population or reason for its presence and tranquilization, but we are determined to find answers


Socially-Anxious Sophomore Gets High Off Leaving the Party Early

"I'm going home to watch television! Alone! In my bed!" she says while skipping with glee on the empty and bleak Philadelphia streets, having escaped what seemed like Pascal's cave.


Punny, Penn-y Valentines Day Cards: Part VIII

In case that last bunch didn't do it for ya (didn't I do it for you?).


Punny, Penn-y Valentine's Day Cards: Part VII

Another year, another round of sexy, sexy UTB Valentine's Day cards for that special someone.


Buying a Vibrator Won’t Solve All Your Problems (Unless It’s Clit-Sucking)

I’ll admit it — I didn’t buy a vibrator that day in the sex shop, I bought a way of life.


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