Instead of society deeming him undesirable and unworthy of getting intimate with another human being, Jared will not be fucking to honor his Savior Jesus Christ instead.

We were able to sit down with Sigma Ligma Pau’s philanthropy chair and recovering 4 Loko addict, Chad, for a statement. 

UTB kicks it back and makes the most of their spring stay!

UTB: It feels amazing knowing that we’re the sole source of news on this campus. 

CB: We all have anxious-preoccupied attachment styles and need constant validation and love from all of our peers, whether or not it is coerced, to feel like life is worth living. Oh, and we really wanted to get into Friars.  

K&K: Ultimately, I am obsessed with hearing the sound of my own voice — in fact, when other people speak, it makes me viscerally sick. I’ve also always had a proclivity for backward walking and repressing my trauma and would be thrilled to add both to my resume. 

Take our quiz!

“We noticed that for some reason this is a skill that not everybody has,” explained sorority member, Emma Jones. 

We don’t want to hurt you. We really don’t. And honestly, at the end of the day, we probably won’t. But do you really want to take that chance? 

Gay rights lasted 5 whole years. That’s almost as long as Glee’s 6-year TV run, and that should count for something!

Need help whacking one out? UTB's got you covered!

Does the youthful joy of an innocent pony mean nothing to you? 

I also think historians should "stop using the fucking Enlightenment to explain every aspect of 18th-century western birthrate trends.”

According to a recent study I heard somewhere but can’t totally remember where, a whopping 80% of Americans don’t base their political opinions on facts and opt instead to listen to biased talking heads. When I read this from this person I follow on Twitter, I was shocked.

We have yet to locate the horse population or reason for its presence and tranquilization, but we are determined to find answers

"I'm going home to watch television! Alone! In my bed!" she says while skipping with glee on the empty and bleak Philadelphia streets, having escaped what seemed like Pascal's cave.

In case that last bunch didn't do it for ya (didn't I do it for you?).

Another year, another round of sexy, sexy UTB Valentine's Day cards for that special someone.

I’ll admit it — I didn’t buy a vibrator that day in the sex shop, I bought a way of life.