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UTB Staff


Articles

Mask and Wig to Accept Women, Only if They're Hot Though

Penn’s Mask and Wig Club, the oldest all-male collegiate musical comedy troupe in the United States, will welcome members of all genders for the 2022-2023 academic year, as long as they are physically attractive to current members.


REPORT: Wilcaf Nepotism Responsible for Rising Student Unemployment Rate

Is this the end for meritocracy?


Fuck: I've Already Farted in All of My Classes

 I thought they would come out silently; you’d go about your day with nothing but a subtle, lingering taste of baba ganoush in your mouth, and I’d go about my day with the satisfaction of knowing that I put it there. 


Incel to Give Up Sex for Lent

Instead of society deeming him undesirable and unworthy of getting intimate with another human being, Jared will not be fucking to honor his Savior Jesus Christ instead.


Frat Philanthropy Drive Gone Awry: 4 Lokos 4 Locals

We were able to sit down with Sigma Ligma Pau’s philanthropy chair and recovering 4 Loko addict, Chad, for a statement. 


UTB Enjoys Their Spring Stay

UTB kicks it back and makes the most of their spring stay!


Ego of the Weak: Under the Button

UTB: It feels amazing knowing that we’re the sole source of news on this campus. 


Ego of the Weak: Class Board

CB: We all have anxious-preoccupied attachment styles and need constant validation and love from all of our peers, whether or not it is coerced, to feel like life is worth living. Oh, and we really wanted to get into Friars.  


Ego of the Weak: Kite and Key

K&K: Ultimately, I am obsessed with hearing the sound of my own voice — in fact, when other people speak, it makes me viscerally sick. I’ve also always had a proclivity for backward walking and repressing my trauma and would be thrilled to add both to my resume. 



Breaking: Off-Campus Sorority Holds Workshop Teaching Needy Kids How to Copy & Paste

“We noticed that for some reason this is a skill that not everybody has,” explained sorority member, Emma Jones. 


“Hey Slut! Want A Free IUD?” Penn Medicine Pilots New Targeted Ads

We had a meeting and asked ourselves: what demographic cohort would be most likely to want a free IUD? The obvious answer was, of course, sluts.


Robinhood Complex? UTB Wants You to Redistribute Your Wealth to Us Before We Do It For You

We don’t want to hurt you. We really don’t. And honestly, at the end of the day, we probably won’t. But do you really want to take that chance? 


Here's How to Justify That Party You Went To

Your best fremeny only turns 20 and a half ONCE.


5 Ways to Announce You’re Going Back In The Closet Following ACB Confirmation

Gay rights lasted 5 whole years. That’s almost as long as Glee’s 6-year TV run, and that should count for something!


5 Masturbation Tips While You're Stuck at Home

Need help whacking one out? UTB's got you covered!



QUIZ: Peaches the Pony Needs Your Ketamine for Life-Saving Surgery— Will You Give it to Her?

Does the youthful joy of an innocent pony mean nothing to you? 


Professor Announcing First Essay Due Oct. 15, as if Sam Receiving Letter Grade

“I love that he’s trying to set up a little schedule for himself during all of this chaos,” said Jafri in reference to his professor’s firm and unwavering midterm deadline. “I read that that can be really helpful in trying to feel like you have a sense of control. Genuinely, it’s so sweet he’s setting goals for himself. I’m really happy for him.” 


Student Excited to be Back Making Direct Eye Contact with Self for 15-25 Hours a Week

Since getting back in the swing of things, Garcia has taken great pleasure in closely examining her eyebrows throughout her statistics class.


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