Under the Button is part of a student-run nonprofit.

Please support us by disabling your ad blocker on our site.

UTB Staff


Articles

DRL’s Exposed Lead Pipes Reported to Cause Hallucinations: Students Claiming Encounters with Mythical Beings such as Attractive Math Majors and Clean Engineers

In response to this crisis, Penn has decided to remove all plumbing in DRL until 2028.


The Mirrors in DRL Remind Me I Belong There

As I hobbled down the hallway, I took a quick glance to my left and saw my reflection.


If 1 in 5 People in the World Are Actually Chinese, Why Do I Still Have No Ethnic Friends?

My lightweight rowing team also, suspiciously, is all white. Any group of 5 that I create out of them has no Chinese people in it at all.


Super Bowl? I Thought This Weed Was Just Okay

I mean, it was a fun sesh, but super? I thought it was pretty standard, all things considered. 


op-id: i got my hipocampal fat removal at es aych es i think

i said i want to luk like liamishel and i want surgury liamishel has and nurs sed ok


Breaking! I Was Held Hostage and Tortured Inside Five Guys this Entire Time

It’s incredible how much mental and physical torture five men can inflict in just 18 months.


Local Student Outsmarts Van Pelt Bag Search Policy by Shoving Rare 19th Century Manuscript Up Ass

Witnesses say the suspect was last seen waddling past the library security desk.


Vibrator Left Behind in Huntsman GSR After Inaugural Edge Fund Board Meeting

“Anyone else smell fish?” asked a concerned bystander.


Huntsman To Be Dissolved To Dust, Gigantic and Obscene Monument For Wharton Alliance To Be Erected in Its Place

Ten limp twink bodies found in Huntsman Hall GSR, all identified as Wharton Alliance freshmen pregaming Queer Formal.


One Child Nation! Chinese International Realizes on a Night Out That She in Fact Does Not Know a Brother

Chinese-American student Ariana Grande (C’23) was present at the manifestation of the omen. 


Fossil Free Tent People’s Newest Water Saving Demand: End Douching

"How can a man love mother nature if they cannot love women?"


Aw Shucks! Former CIS 160 TA Now Works at Apple Genius Bar

He got a FAANG acceptance!


Wharton Announces New Minor in White-Collar Crime for Class of 2027

The new curriculum was made possible due to a generous endowment from the Ponzi Foundation.


What's on the Lauder Dining Hall Menu? Pap Smears of Wagyu

Penn has been championing interdisciplinary creativity for decades; intertwining gastronomy and gynecology is no exception.


Attention Beth Winkelstein! You May Be Eligible for a Booster

We are very please that despite many of your limitations, you were able to snag a coveted University administration spot, as INTERIM–provisional, temporary, short-term, etc.–Provost. 


Blessed Omen: I Asked My Therapist to Call Me Angel. She Took It Too Far

אבל כל המסעות חייבים להסתיים שכן רק על ידי הפסקת מסע זה בכלל מסע, אחרת אנחנו מעמידים את עצמנו במצב מתמיד של תנופה, בלי יכולת ליישם את ממצאי המסע שלנו. אָמֵן.



Jaywalking is a Mortal Sin Worthy of Eternal Damnation

I remember the days when a neighbor was a friend, a jaywalker was a scoundrel, and a woman’s rightful place was in the kitchen. How have we gone so wrong so quickly?


Progressive! Penn to Rename FGLI Students P.E.A.S.A.N.T.S.

Go P.E.A.S.A.N.T.S!


Penn InTouch Replacement to Include Professor Sexiness Scale

Wouldn't you wanna know how big your daddy issues for next sem will be?


PennConnects