We are very please that despite many of your limitations, you were able to snag a coveted University administration spot, as INTERIM–provisional, temporary, short-term, etc.–Provost. 

אבל כל המסעות חייבים להסתיים שכן רק על ידי הפסקת מסע זה בכלל מסע, אחרת אנחנו מעמידים את עצמנו במצב מתמיד של תנופה, בלי יכולת ליישם את ממצאי המסע שלנו. אָמֵן.

I remember the days when a neighbor was a friend, a jaywalker was a scoundrel, and a woman’s rightful place was in the kitchen. How have we gone so wrong so quickly?

Go P.E.A.S.A.N.T.S!

Wouldn't you wanna know how big your daddy issues for next sem will be?

Hear me out. It's what they would want: voices being heard. 

Though his instruction is clear, most of prof/g’s success can be attributed to something far more crude: his god-given voice. 

Though many students were elated to hear this wonderful news of Penn’s moral progress, a few students, namely heterosexual females who previously listened to Profesor Ghrist’s salacious math videos, were displeased by the news.

No cap, this bout to get lit.

 Guys, I’m about to, like, say something a little bit controversial. Don’t cancel me pleaseeeee :( 

Can you bear to look into their eyes, their innocent, pleading eyes, and tell them no one cares? I certainly don’t. Here are three excuses to use, and other lies I’ve told this week.

Provost this, provost that. Someone help us out here.

And in German it's now Gutschland. Hurrah!

If this doesn’t say fall we don’t know what does! Drape yourself in this luscious autumnal accessory in an attempt to externally heal your wounds that have already been very deeply internalized. 

The renewal of Xi’s term as Chairman is the only realistic way to realize the Great Renaissance of the Chinese Nation. 

Penn’s Mask and Wig Club, the oldest all-male collegiate musical comedy troupe in the United States, will welcome members of all genders for the 2022-2023 academic year, as long as they are physically attractive to current members.

Is this the end for meritocracy?

 I thought they would come out silently; you’d go about your day with nothing but a subtle, lingering taste of baba ganoush in your mouth, and I’d go about my day with the satisfaction of knowing that I put it there. 

Instead of society deeming him undesirable and unworthy of getting intimate with another human being, Jared will not be fucking to honor his Savior Jesus Christ instead.