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Kid Chanting 'Go Eagles' Has No Team Affiliation, Just Really Fucking Likes Birds


Photo by Thompson Greg, U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service / Public Domain

“E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!” chants College junior Ben Faussner from the dark counter at Smokes. Faussner “doesn’t know what all the hullabaloo about eagles is, but I’m here for it.”

Faussner is an exchange student from Australia and grew up watching birds in the Outback. He came to Penn to double major in environmental studies and his own individualized major, ornithology, the study of birds.

“I don’t know a darn thing about American football, except that there are teams that get away with cheating and ones with racist names, too. I really don’t care for sports in general, but I do love me a good bird. Go Eagles!”

According to numerous reports, Faussner was one of the most enthusiastic viewers at the bar after the Eagles beat the Vikings two Sundays ago.

“I’ve never seen a man go so crazy over the Eagles,” self-proclaimed Eagles fanatic Jerry Zhao said. “He was going up and down those Crisco-ed poles like crazy. The dude’s energy was so wild and contagious, and he was getting everyone in Center City riled up. Some people even wanted him to give a speech, but he started talking about eagle mating patterns and we all got really confused.”

Faussner is reportedly “ecstatic for the Super Bowl because it’s an opportunity to educate people about the fascinating behavior of eagles.”

If you run into him, be prepared to take notes.