Allen Zhu


Articles

Heartbreaking: Freshman Realizes 'BBB' Major Doesn't Stand for 'Big Booty Bitches'

Why do I think Penn is the right school for me? Three words...


PENNALERT: Really Fucking Cute Dog on 36th and Locust

On Thursday, Penn students staff, and faculty received text notifications regarding an “adorable dog, possibly wearing a sweater and shoes at 3600 Locust Walk.” 


Wilcaf Baristas Misunderstand 'Cuffing Season,' Cuff Jeans Instead

As cuffing season approaches, more and more desperate Penn students find themselves settling for relationships with mediocre hookups.


Report: 70% of Penn Undergrads Still Can't Cook Anything Except Mushy Pasta

Although almost a full week has passed since the release of this report, President Amy Gutmann has yet to comment on the matter.


Penn Launches New Haunted House Attraction, Literally Just DRL

After last semester's failed attempt to turn the David Rittenhouse Laboratory into a romantic Valentine's Day date spot, the Penn administration has decided to repurpose the home of the Math, Physics, and Virginity departments for the Halloween season.



Senior With 'Not Enough Time' to Help With Group Project Solves O.J. Simpson Case for 8th Time

Anna Jefferson (C ‘18) is a Sociology major and a self-proclaimed "leading expert" in the O.J. Simpson case.


Wow! Boy Manages to Fall in Love With Entirety of Bloomers All at Once

In a move that surprised literally no one, yet another boy has caught feelings for every member of Bloomers. Alex Huang (C ‘20) is one of many “Bloomers Bros,” the fan club of boys who would do anything it takes to win a date with a member of the all-female sketch comedy group.


Epic Win: Boy Starts Crying Instead of Screaming During Consulting Case Interview

Last Monday was a big day for Wharton junior Justin Morowitz, who interviewed for yet another consulting company despite having been rejected from over 60 firms.


BREAKING: Junior Marks ‘Maybe’ on Facebook Event, Attends

After two years of ghosting all of his friends and acquaintances, College junior Sean Barnett has finally attended an event he marked as “maybe” on Facebook.


Van Pelt Study Carrels to be Renamed 'I'm Watching Netflix, Please Don't Talk to Me' Cubicles

The library, which was initially built as a space for intellectual and academic rigor, has since become a breeding ground for depressing all-nighters, peaceful poops in the third floor bathrooms, and very questionable bag-checking policies.


Kid Who Refuses to Put Phone on Silent During Lecture Awarded Medal of Honor for Bravery

Last week, the White House awarded College senior Victor Wu the Medal of Honor for his bravery in very large lecture halls. Even in his 500-person PSYC 001 lecture, Wu keeps his phone ringer on and refuses to silence it, even when someone calls him three times straight. “He has the biggest balls out of anyone I’ve ever seen,” one of his professors said. “And trust me, as an academic, I’ve seen some very large balls before.”


Wawa Announces ‘All Snacks Are Free, Since You Fuckers Just Steal Them Anyway’

A spokesperson from the Wawa at 38th and Spruce announced yesterday that “all snacks that can fit in a small tote bag, or maybe a large purse” will be totally free of charge, effective immediately. Bailey Crenshaw, longtime employee and now General Manager of the beloved campus convenience store, made the statement on Wednesday to a crowd of Penn students and members of the press.


BREAKING: Penn Successfully Rebrands as Most Money-Hungry Ivy

As part of its ongoing initiative to claim the title of “most money-hungry Ivy League school,” Penn announced that all sophomores will be required to live in college housing starting next year.  “Our administration has constantly strived to extract the most wealth from our students and surrounding community as possible,” a spokesperson wrote in a university-wide email. “From charging $70 for sushi at Franklin’s Table that we bought off of UberEats to gentrifying the moon, Penn has always led the charge. But today, we are confident that requiring all sophomores, regardless of financial status, to remain in Penn housing will allow our school to finally be the best at something.”


Engineering Freshman Not Wearing Cargo Shorts and Free T-Shirt Forced to Transfer

Over the past few weeks, Josh Adebayo (E ‘22) has been in the spotlight of the Engineering community for his decision to break ranks with the school’s strict culture of dress. Instead of conforming to wear cargo shorts and a “Venmo” or “King’s Court ‘22” tee every day, Adebayo often wears joggers in addition to his favorite PennApps shirt, or, occasionally, his $800 Supreme hoodie.


English Major Doesn't Actually Know How to Read, Just A Dumbass Who's Good at Guessing

Many English majors at Penn complain about the amount of reading that professors assign each week. College sophomore Kyaire Jamil, however, has nothing to complain about, because she has never known how to read.


Girl Who Spent Summer Masturbating Out of Boredom Can't Wait to Masturbate to Relieve Stress

While most Penn students spent their summers at world-class internships or lamenting the fact that they didn’t get one, college sophomore Rissy Clitto, Jr. had different plans. Clitto apparently spent the “vast majority of the summer masturbating in her room, only ever coming out to eat and go to the bathroom,” her mother, Rissy Clitto, Sr. stated in an interview.


Report: 90% of Premeds Would Definitely Eat Their Best Friends if Trapped on a Deserted Island

Many students hoping to pursue a career in medicine, surgery, and health cite altruistic reasons as their motives for choosing the rigorous premed track. Again and again, these students say they "want to make a difference in the world", "help others", and "buy [their] girlfriends a new Bugatti." 


Oh Shit: Dude You Were Teabagging in Fortnite Was Actually Your Chem TA

Next time you try to blow off some steam by bullying 12-year-olds on video games, make sure that the "stupid kid" isn't your Chem TA.


Report: Girl Sitting on Toilet in VP Basement for Past 12 Hours, Waiting for Everybody to Leave So She Can Take a Peaceful Shit

Like many other students, Victoria Lyons (C ‘20) has a very religious finals week routine: she wakes up, buys six iced coffees, spends 17 hours at a desk in the Van Pelt library basement, and then passes out on the nearest couch, only to do the same exact thing the next day.


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