Allen Zhu


English Major Doesn't Actually Know How to Read, Just A Dumbass Who's Good at Guessing

Many English majors at Penn complain about the amount of reading that professors assign each week. College sophomore Kyaire Jamil, however, has nothing to complain about, because she has never known how to read.

Girl Who Spent Summer Masturbating Out of Boredom Can't Wait to Masturbate to Relieve Stress

While most Penn students spent their summers at world-class internships or lamenting the fact that they didn’t get one, college sophomore Rissy Clitto, Jr. had different plans. Clitto apparently spent the “vast majority of the summer masturbating in her room, only ever coming out to eat and go to the bathroom,” her mother, Rissy Clitto, Sr. stated in an interview.

Report: 90% of Premeds Would Definitely Eat Their Best Friends if Trapped on a Deserted Island

Many students hoping to pursue a career in medicine, surgery, and health cite altruistic reasons as their motives for choosing the rigorous premed track. Again and again, these students say they "want to make a difference in the world", "help others", and "buy [their] girlfriends a new Bugatti." 

Oh Shit: Dude You Were Teabagging in Fortnite Was Actually Your Chem TA

Next time you try to blow off some steam by bullying 12-year-olds on video games, make sure that the "stupid kid" isn't your Chem TA.

Report: Girl Sitting on Toilet in VP Basement for Past 12 Hours, Waiting for Everybody to Leave So She Can Take a Peaceful Shit

Like many other students, Victoria Lyons (C ‘20) has a very religious finals week routine: she wakes up, buys six iced coffees, spends 17 hours at a desk in the Van Pelt library basement, and then passes out on the nearest couch, only to do the same exact thing the next day.

Glow Up: Former High School NHS President Makes it to 9 A.M. On Time for the First Time in Months

College freshman Carmen Lieberman used to be quite the overachiever in high school. With the titles of NHS president, class treasurer, FBLA regional vice president, and honorary teacher’s pet under her belt, Lieberman came into Penn confident and ready to tackle both academic and extracurricular challenges.

Report: 9/10 Students Sitting on College Green Have Ants Crawling Up Their Butts

East-Coasters everywhere rejoice! While Californians are still complaining about how cold it is outside, Alaskans and pretentious Canadians alike are setting their air conditioners to -60 degrees. Not everybody can be happy with perfect 70 degree weather, apparently. But hey, at least it’s not snowing in the middle of spring!

Girl Typing Furiously at Front of Lecture Isn't Actually Taking Notes, Just Messaging 8 Group Chats at Once

Seated in the front row of all of her econ and poli sci classes, PPE senior Janae Lewis always has a Macbook and Venti Starbucks iced black coffee at hand. She types furiously in a caffeine—and sometimes Adderall—fueled daze. She nods at everything the professor says, somehow taking notes even when there’s nothing to take notes on.

5 Reasons Why the Walmart Yodeling Kid Should be the Next Penn President

1. He’ll revive Club Penguin for Penn students.