If you thought you were either cool or talented, just wait until you meet Stacy Wilmberg (C ‘18).

Engineering freshman Sheryl Williams (and former high school NHS president, as she likes to tell people) was shocked to learn that people care about things other than the fact that she got a 33 on her ACT.

She wanted to “put natural selection to the test” in a controlled experiment, as the “body of evidence supporting the theory is painfully underwhelming.”

Researchers at the Wharton Behavioral Lab have found a near perfect correlation between kids who bullet journal and kids say that growing up with a dog was “so annoying,” a proxy for psychopathy. 

"I’m going to get absolutely fucked by this bio midterm regardless of how I try to prepare, and I’m not on birth control or anything, so I’d better be safe and get Plan B."

Why do I think Penn is the right school for me? Three words...

On Thursday, Penn students staff, and faculty received text notifications regarding an “adorable dog, possibly wearing a sweater and shoes at 3600 Locust Walk.” 

As cuffing season approaches, more and more desperate Penn students find themselves settling for relationships with mediocre hookups.

Although almost a full week has passed since the release of this report, President Amy Gutmann has yet to comment on the matter.

After last semester's failed attempt to turn the David Rittenhouse Laboratory into a romantic Valentine's Day date spot, the Penn administration has decided to repurpose the home of the Math, Physics, and Virginity departments for the Halloween season.

Heterosexual males rejoice!

Anna Jefferson (C ‘18) is a Sociology major and a self-proclaimed "leading expert" in the O.J. Simpson case.

In a move that surprised literally no one, yet another boy has caught feelings for every member of Bloomers. Alex Huang (C ‘20) is one of many “Bloomers Bros,” the fan club of boys who would do anything it takes to win a date with a member of the all-female sketch comedy group.

Last Monday was a big day for Wharton junior Justin Morowitz, who interviewed for yet another consulting company despite having been rejected from over 60 firms.

After two years of ghosting all of his friends and acquaintances, College junior Sean Barnett has finally attended an event he marked as “maybe” on Facebook.

The library, which was initially built as a space for intellectual and academic rigor, has since become a breeding ground for depressing all-nighters, peaceful poops in the third floor bathrooms, and very questionable bag-checking policies.

Last week, the White House awarded College senior Victor Wu the Medal of Honor for his bravery in very large lecture halls. Even in his 500-person PSYC 001 lecture, Wu keeps his phone ringer on and refuses to silence it, even when someone calls him three times straight. “He has the biggest balls out of anyone I’ve ever seen,” one of his professors said. “And trust me, as an academic, I’ve seen some very large balls before.”

A spokesperson from the Wawa at 38th and Spruce announced yesterday that “all snacks that can fit in a small tote bag, or maybe a large purse” will be totally free of charge, effective immediately. Bailey Crenshaw, longtime employee and now General Manager of the beloved campus convenience store, made the statement on Wednesday to a crowd of Penn students and members of the press.

As part of its ongoing initiative to claim the title of “most money-hungry Ivy League school,” Penn announced that all sophomores will be required to live in college housing starting next year.  “Our administration has constantly strived to extract the most wealth from our students and surrounding community as possible,” a spokesperson wrote in a university-wide email. “From charging $70 for sushi at Franklin’s Table that we bought off of UberEats to gentrifying the moon, Penn has always led the charge. But today, we are confident that requiring all sophomores, regardless of financial status, to remain in Penn housing will allow our school to finally be the best at something.”

Over the past few weeks, Josh Adebayo (E ‘22) has been in the spotlight of the Engineering community for his decision to break ranks with the school’s strict culture of dress. Instead of conforming to wear cargo shorts and a “Venmo” or “King’s Court ‘22” tee every day, Adebayo often wears joggers in addition to his favorite PennApps shirt, or, occasionally, his $800 Supreme hoodie.