OP-ED: Yo Pledge, Eat This Rotten Melon Until You Barf, But Only If You Decide To

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Photo by Philip Larson / CC 2.0

Yo.

Pledge.

See that melon over there?

Ya, the fucking cantaloupe rotting from the inside out?

Pledge, are you dumb?

Pledge,

My dude,

I want you to eat that fucking melon over there;

But,

At Delta Upsilon Mu we encourage independence, free thought, and self-expression.

We also, legally, are bound to stand up against hazing #timesup.

So pledge,

Only eat that melon if YOU want to eat the melon;

But know that I want you to eat the melon.

I really fucking want you to eat that moldy melon.

If you don’t eat that melon I swear to god;

I swear to god pledge if you don’t eat that fucking rotten melon.

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Nice, bruh

Thanks for taking the initiative to eat that melon because you thought eating the melon was meaningful to you.

We love initiative here at Delta Upsilon Mu.

Yes. Nice pledge. Keep eating the melon,

Unless you want to stop, which I get.

Rotten melons are pretty wack.

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Awww shit man, what, you didn’t even finish the melon?

I really really wanted you to eat that fucking melon.

What the fuck.

We welcome you to our brotherhood and you can’t finish one fucking rotten cantaloupe.

What the FUCK.

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Ahhh, nice my dude.

Thanks for independently taking it upon yourself to finish that melon.

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Shit man that’s a lot of barf.

Yikes.

Grody my dude.

-

You’re a cool independent guy my man.

NOICE.

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