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PennGreen Reports 'Not All Men are Trash; Many Without Metal Parts Can Be Composted'

Fresh Man Compost Hand

From frat boys to finance bros, many men at Penn are regularly classified as trash. Though it may be tempting to use a man once and throw him away, Penn students now have an exciting new alternative. Members of PennGreen hope to beautify our campus and better the environment by offering a new solution to the problem of men: compost. 

It sounds radical to return men to the Earth. After all, do we really want them back in the ecosystem? It might seem strange - even repulsive to some – to convert men into biofuels and fertilizer, but there are many ecological benefits to consider. As long as a man contains no dental implants, medical staples, or artificial limbs, his testosterone-saturated body can be converted into enough biofuel to power Claudia Cohen Hall for over an hour! Furthermore, a large percentage of Penn’s cisgender trash men become the way they are by compensating for abnormally small genitalia. This means that although all compost byproduct will be from total dicks, a minute percentage of it will be from actual penis.

Publicizing their sustainability effort with the catchy hashtag “#notallmen,” PennGreen has already experienced an exciting level of success composting men on campus. With receptacles positioned conveniently outside the beer garden at Frogro, Huntsman Hall, and all Wawas that sell American Spirit cigarettes, dozens of men have been composted only two weeks into the project. However, there is still plenty of ground to cover. Next time a man tells you to just trust his pullout game, do the right thing for the earth and yourself by choosing compost.