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Lauren Baron


Articles

Photo Essay: 5 Candles My Parents Won't Let Me Light (With Reasons)

We're all looking for a little bit of light in this dark chapter of world history.


Innovative Fraternity Hosts Gatsby-Themed Mixer

Sentano hinted at the possibility of a prohibition-themed mixer that could take place in the near future, but would not confirm anything because, "we don't want anyone else to steal our idea."


Oh Fuck: Your Professor Just Said the Fuck Word

I also think historians should "stop using the fucking Enlightenment to explain every aspect of 18th-century western birthrate trends.”


2020-2021 Dress Code will Allow Leggings, Tank Tops

Students have been lobbying for this change for years, claiming Penn’s “two-finger” strap width and “no athletic pants” policies are vague, outdated, and originate from elitist, sexist ideologies.


Wilcaf Will Offer Cow's Milk for No Extra Charge

Proponents of cow's milk cite the ecological catastrophe that is almond milk, the estrogen content of soy milk, and the gluten in oat milk as reasons for making the switch. 


On-Campus SHS Location Will Replace Bobby's Burger Palace

According to a statement released on Monday, the powers that be "have decided that the departure of Bobby's Burgers from campus is a well-timed catalyst for the university to implement an extensive plan for improving student wellness."


Letting Go of Your Forced Roommate Friendship Now that You Have Real Friends: A Freshman's Guide

Here are some tips for scraping off the roommate barnacle cramping your style now that you're done pretending you have anything in common.


New Record: 3 People at This Performing Arts Show Know None of the Performers

Collectively, this added up to over an hour and 30 minutes of non-affiliated viewing time. Although they were alumni who had been members of PennEMOTE when, in Voshkal's words, "it was actually good," the three audience members still met the criteria of not knowing any performer.


OP-ED: Welcome to Pret Where We Have 43.6 Lines

We do reserve the right to refuse you service if you form a single line.


Watch Out, Philly Parents! Penn Students Are Hiding Toxic Pre-Professionalism in Halloween Candy This Year

Cara Poole, a resident at 48th and Baltimore, wrote: "My eight-year-old daughter came home from trick-or-treating with her friends looking pale, clutching her stomach, and saying she wanted to switch into Wharton to study accounting because she'll never get a job if she puts too much faith and effort into her art.


Undergraduate Assembly Continues to Create Noticeable, Positive Change

After a characteristically spirited and highly publicized round of elections this Fall, Undergraduate Assembly is in session for the 2019-2020 school year. Already, the student body has demonstrated its appreciation for and consciousness of the role of a strong, centralized government.


Dean Furda Skims Google Form Responses During Class-of-2024 Delibs

This weekend, during the monthly Admissions Office GBM, ardent Eagles fan and Penn Dean of Admissions Eric Furda supposedly led the search for Penn's best and brightest new students. However, sources on the inside report that "nobody really reads the applications since we switched from the Common App to a Google Survey link."


Frontera Order Taking Even Longer Than Usual

On March 6th, Grace Qi (C '21) ordered a chipotle chicken torta with a side of chips and guacamole from Frontera. For the last seven months, she has been waiting for her order on the ground floor of Arch Cafe. For over half a year, she has subsisted solely on chip crumbs and rats she managed to capture from the Frontera kitchen area. 


With Midterms Looming, Spotted Lanternflies Thrive on the Compass

As midterms season approaches, superstitious freshmen are more diligent than ever in their evasion of the compass. Unfortunately, spotted lanternflies have recognized this trend and are using it to further their agenda for survival, reproduction, and ecological destruction. 


Quiz: Is She Ghosting You, or Is She in the Monk Class?

Take this quiz to find out if she's rejecting you with an emotionally devoid tourniquet of silence or if she's actually into you but foregoing technological and verbal communication in the pursuit of deliberate living with her classmates in the monk class.


4 Unlined Notebooks That Say "Transcendentalism"

As the new school year dawns, honor theory and demonstrate your intellectual supremacy by freeing yourself from the confines of linear thought.


Cinema Studies Department Cancels Classes in Anticipation of Game of Thrones Aftermath

Statisticians predict with 80% certainty and a 5% margin of error that the Penn Quaker himself will not survive, despite a flawless 200-year combat record.


OP-ED: Stop Complaining About Your Thesis. Martin Luther Wrote 95, and You Don't Hear Him Bitching

Martin Luther wrote 95 of them and still had the energy, motivation, and balls left over to spearhead the entire Reformation.


OP-ED: But Where Are the Halal GALS?

Is it too much to ask for smaller gyros to fit my dainty, feminine mouth?


Living in the Past? This Student Is a Classics Major

Sheesh, Joseph — join the 21st century and catfish your mom on Jdate like the rest of us.


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