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Lauren Baron


Articles

OP-ED: But Where Are the Halal GALS?

Is it too much to ask for smaller gyros to fit my dainty, feminine mouth?


Living in the Past? This Student Is a Classics Major

Sheesh, Joseph — join the 21st century and catfish your mom on Jdate like the rest of us.


My Failures Don't Define Me. That's My Electric Skateboard's Job.

Since I started riding my futuristic platform of gliding excellence, I haven't even come close to self-identifying as a failure. I self-identify as one of Nikola Tesla’s chosen few. 


OP-ED: March Madness? I'm Not Even Done with Seasonal Depression!

Is this Big Pharma using its massive Popeye arms to wrestle the country into shelling out more money?


Reminder: Advance Registration Closed Last Night

Students who did not register may alternatively enroll in CIS 675, PHYS 982, or PHIL 10010043, which are all still open.


Breaking: Freshman Boy Lost Virginity over Break to “a Girl from Home”

She was so flexible when we did sex! I was able to see into her whole belly button. Fellas, us non-virgins here know how hot that is.


OP-ED: Yeah He’s Hot, but He Only Has Three Beer Bottles Lined up on His Shelf

They were domestics also. There was a PBR, which, well, who buys PBR in a glass bottle?


Quiz: Did a Frat Star Punch a Hole in Your Wall, or Was It a Tiny Mr. Kool Aid Man?

Here's the scenario: after throwing an absolutely bangin' mixer last night, you come downstairs to assess the carnage.


All Penn Advising to be Replaced by Microsoft Word's 'Clippy' Assistant

Perhaps the most advanced feature of the new advising system is seamless integration with Pennintouch.


5 Juicy Citrus Fruits to Peel When you Miss the Thrill of Undressing Your Winter Break Lover

School is BACK, and so is your insatiable, stress-fueled sexual appetite.


2 Step Authentication Now Required to Enter Smokes

Once this policy is in place, any patrons who have not enrolled in two-step verification will be unable to access Smokey Joe's or utilize any of its resources. Violations are punishable by I.D. bend and permanent banishment.


OP-ED: SISTERS, This Rush is Super Sweet, but Does She Spark Joy?

Consider, deeply, the fact that you are not choosing rushes to discard, but, rather, rushes to keep. 



Bold! This Student Went Home to Study During Reading Days and Never Came Back

Finals season is upon us, and many students from the area are migrating home to increase their productivity while they prepare for exams. Allie Gross (E '20) is among the homeward bound, but one thing sets her apart from her peers: Allie has no intention of returning to campus this year.


BREAKING: Every Woman You Know Has Changed Her Name To ‘Katie’

Three days ago, Philadelphia courts were overflowing with an influx of women aged 18-24 interested not in appealing their speeding tickets or renewing their passports, but in simultaneously changing their names to “Katie.”



Weekly Horoscope: Which Pret Sandwich is Your Sign?

The straightforwardness and enthusiasm of an Aries is best characterized by the “Pret’s Ham and Cheese” baguette.


Last Call! Pick Up Your HUP Wristband From MERT at Saxbys From 3-5 p.m.

Fling has flung!!! Stop by Saxbys to pick up your HUP wristband and save time in the emergency room this weekend.




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