This weekend, during the monthly Admissions Office GBM, ardent Eagles fan and Penn Dean of Admissions Eric Furda supposedly led the search for Penn's best and brightest new students. However, sources on the inside report that "nobody really reads the applications since we switched from the Common App to a Google Survey link."
On March 6th, Grace Qi (C '21) ordered a chipotle chicken torta with a side of chips and guacamole from Frontera. For the last seven months, she has been waiting for her order on the ground floor of Arch Cafe. For over half a year, she has subsisted solely on chip crumbs and rats she managed to capture from the Frontera kitchen area.
As midterms season approaches, superstitious freshmen are more diligent than ever in their evasion of the compass. Unfortunately, spotted lanternflies have recognized this trend and are using it to further their agenda for survival, reproduction, and ecological destruction.
Take this quiz to find out if she's rejecting you with an emotionally devoid tourniquet of silence or if she's actually into you but foregoing technological and verbal communication in the pursuit of deliberate living with her classmates in the monk class.
As the new school year dawns, honor theory and demonstrate your intellectual supremacy by freeing yourself from the confines of linear thought.
Statisticians predict with 80% certainty and a 5% margin of error that the Penn Quaker himself will not survive, despite a flawless 200-year combat record.
Martin Luther wrote 95 of them and still had the energy, motivation, and balls left over to spearhead the entire Reformation.
Is it too much to ask for smaller gyros to fit my dainty, feminine mouth?
Sheesh, Joseph — join the 21st century and catfish your mom on Jdate like the rest of us.
Since I started riding my futuristic platform of gliding excellence, I haven't even come close to self-identifying as a failure. I self-identify as one of Nikola Tesla’s chosen few.
Is this Big Pharma using its massive Popeye arms to wrestle the country into shelling out more money?
Students who did not register may alternatively enroll in CIS 675, PHYS 982, or PHIL 10010043, which are all still open.
She was so flexible when we did sex! I was able to see into her whole belly button. Fellas, us non-virgins here know how hot that is.
They were domestics also. There was a PBR, which, well, who buys PBR in a glass bottle?
Here's the scenario: after throwing an absolutely bangin' mixer last night, you come downstairs to assess the carnage.
Perhaps the most advanced feature of the new advising system is seamless integration with Pennintouch.
School is BACK, and so is your insatiable, stress-fueled sexual appetite.
Once this policy is in place, any patrons who have not enrolled in two-step verification will be unable to access Smokey Joe's or utilize any of its resources. Violations are punishable by I.D. bend and permanent banishment.
Consider, deeply, the fact that you are not choosing rushes to discard, but, rather, rushes to keep.
Uncover those smoke detectors!