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Wow! Student Says 'Postmodern,' Entire Class Shits Pants


Photo by StFX / CC-BY-SA-2.0-CA

Timothy Higgins, a freshman hoping to study English, is no average kid.

Earlier in Higgins' writing seminar, he used the word "postmodern" to describe a poem, an intellectual feat never seen by the likes of his peers before. Astonished at his sagacity, the entire 15-person seminar, professor included, immediately lost control of their bowels.

"It was amazing," gushed Andrew Chen (C '21). "I don't think I've ever witnessed such an academically impressive feat." When asked about the unfortunate messiness that ensued, Chen shrugged. "Who wouldn't shit their pants?"

We caught up with Higgins as he was busy coughing on a cigarette outside of Fisher Fine Arts Library.

"What can I say? I'm an intellectual. I appreciate the value of the written word, something not a lot of these pre-professional clowns can say. Postmodernism is my bread and butter," he boasted. 

When asked what postmodernism meant, he looked alarmed, and immediately pennyboarded away.