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Starbucks Now Allows Customers to Substitute Dairy for Everclear for 60 Cents


Photo (with edits by MJ Kang) by Clker-Free-Vector-Images / CC0; Adam Engelhart / CC BY-SA 2.0; peargui / CCO 

In a move to break yet another rule of coffee, Starbucks will now be offering one more alternative to dairy for all of its beverages: Everclear.

Colorful signs put up throughout the store read, “Your prayers have been answered. Finally, you can get fucked up to make that 9 a.m. bearable,” and “Lactose-intolerants rejoice! Everclear is here.”

In a post to their Facebook page, Starbucks released serving suggestions for their new option. One option is their famed Pink Drink, but the coconut milk is replaced with everclear.

“Grab a venti, with the equivalent caffeine of one cup of coffee and with the alcohol content of twenty mixed drinks,” reads the post. “We like to call this the ‘Pink Death.’”

Another suggestion is their iced coffee, but with Everclear instead of coffee.

“We don’t really know how to market this one, but we’re sure our more alcohol-inclined customers will love it.”

The complexities of acquiring a liquor license at every location seem to be of no concern to Starbucks.

“We will stop at nothing to make our menu accessible to everyone, including those with dairy problems and college students whose bodies have become acclimated to consuming Everclear like water.”