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Sammy Gordon


Articles

Amy Gutmann to Rename Herself Following $250 Million Donation

My new name is an enormous honor, and it completely captures Penn's mission as a prestigious research university."


BREAKING: CAPS to Be Relocated to Camden

“This location is far enough to provide Penn students with considerable anonymity and close enough for it to technically still be accessible to Penn students."


Ok Boomer! Professor Thinks You Should Probably Withdraw

"We're unfortunately past the drop deadline, but your grade is currently so low that, were it to show up on your final transcript, the Math department would be forced to blacklist you."


Wharton Student Horrified by Immobile Staircase

“I just don’t get why stairs still exist. Like I get it for people who live in villages or farms or whatever, but for those of us who grew up in skyscrapers, which is obviously most of Penn, stairs are really challenging and, quite frankly, horrifying.” 


Penn Student Does Not Want to Die Because That Would Decrease His Productivity

Johnson likes to do market research for startups in his free time. Outside of that, he attends BYOs for the 15 branches of SPEC of which he is a part.


Concerning! This Girl Has Killed Over 10,000 Spotted Lantern Flies

Jessica Roberts loves supporting her local ecosystem. She has also been looking for a place to channel her enormous reservoir of pent up anger. When she heard that killing a certain type of insect would benefit the environment, Jessica didn’t hesitate to absolutely go off the rails.


Uh Oh! Stephanie Is Going to Talk About the AIDS Crisis Now

For 15 minutes, Stephanie continued to express her disbelief that the AIDS crisis was even a thing, referencing her boyfriend, Lady Gaga, and the ‘miracle of PrEP’ multiple times.


Interesting! Student Hangs up Poster of City She Lives an Hour Outside Of

Even though she isn’t “geographically” a “resident” of New York City, she completely identifies as a New Yorker, both spiritually and as an artist. 


Not That! Stephanie Just Started Using ‘Periodt!’ over Text

Stephanie loves using Twitter. She loves it so much, in fact, that she can immediately tell whether or not a person is on Twitter when she first meets them.


Fine Arts Student Adds Poppers to Essential Oil Diffuser

Bryce reported that the first time he added poppers to his diffuser, he was put in a coma for three weeks, during which he had a manic fever dream about Catholic theater camp.


Busy and Elite Pre-Professional Student Uses Slack During Lecture

Carlos Howard is only a freshman, but he’s already in three clubs, and all three of them use Slack. It goes without saying that Carlos is very important and constantly busy.  


Student Walks 45 Minutes to Capital One Cafe to Do 15 Minutes of Work

John read five pages of his pop-psych freshman writing seminar book, then wrote down all of his tasks for that day, then decided that he was sad, so he picked up his things and headed back to Penn’s campus.


Student Excited to See If Coffee Will Cause Euphoria or Anxiety Attack

Sometimes, when she pulls the short straw and winds up with an anxiety attack, she starts sweating and drops a class.


OP-ED: Do You Want to Go out Tonight? I Know a Frat That Will Make Us Both Really Uncomfortable

I know this frat on Spruce where we’ll have a really bad time and immediately want to leave. The guys at this frat are simultaneously really mean to everyone and also sexually attracted to everyone.


OP-ED: Someone Answer My Piazza Question Before I Fucking Lose It

I’m going to ‘good question’ my question just to make sure everyone sees it.


How to Talk About Your Bain Internship Without Confessing That You Made 50 Grand

We know it can be tricky to hide your pride, but that’s just what our leftist campus pseudo-culture does to us.


Career Services Tells Junior to Go Fuck Herself

Upon arriving at her consultation, her career advisor asked her some basic questions about her interests, majors, sexual history, vibes, and previous work experience, entering them all into the artificial intelligence career calculator.


Seven Acronyms Every Penn Freshman Needs to Know

Freshmen, get your pens and pencils ready. 


Ladies: Does Your Man Have the Munchies or Has He Just Neglected to Feed Himself for a Week?

You’ve been busy with exams and clubs the past week and haven’t seen him in six days. It’s entirely possible that he hasn’t had a sufficient meal in that span of time.


Meet the Statesman Writer Whose Piece on Pronouns Has 15 Page Views

The piece, entitled “My Thin, Graying Beard and Receding Hairline Should Exempt Me from Providing Pronouns” has received a whopping 15 pageviews all by itself, up 87% from the site’s total pageviews for the entire month of February. 


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