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Sammy Gordon


Articles

BREAKING: Nicki Minaj Makes Unprecedented $100 Million Donation to CAPS

Minaj has not commented personally on the donation, but insiders say Nicki was worried about a few fans — known to the community as Barbz — who expressed their struggles with Penn's psychological services. 


BREAKING: Dining Dollars to Become Official Currency of Philadelphia

If Penn hopes to achieve economic and political sovereignty, we must start by taking over the economy of Philadelphia.


Good for Her! Stephanie Dating Actual Homosexual Man

They don’t have sex, but that’s not really important. The closest they get is giving each other facials. 


Innovative! This Introduction to Biology Class Will Be Making Cuts Each Lecture Until One Person Remains

This impressive score is thanks, in part, to Bernstein's innovative strategy to make the class as difficult and stressful as possible: He will be making cuts each week, until just one student remains. 




Amy Gutmann Excited for COVID-19 to Kill Freshmen: "There's Too Many of These Bitches"

“Death is a necessary and natural part of life. I am excited and hopeful that many freshmen will either die or be permanently disabled as a result of the virus.”


Uh Oh! This Class Is Interesting, But the People in It Are Ugly and Weird

Unfortunately, the other students in this class are ugly and weird. Many of them seem to think they’re watching a Twitch live stream, saying “Poggers!” or “10,000 IQ” every time the professor says anything.


Heartwarming: This Cop Hugged a Baby Right Before Throwing Her on the Ground

Everyone knows the best way to deal with someone protesting police brutality is to commit police brutality. 


SEPTA to Start Cracking Down on Trolley Drivers Who Aren’t Blackout Drunk

Lindsay Lohan, chairwoman of SEPTA, told Under the Button about the years of high-level thinking that went into this decision: “Our riders expect their trolley rides to be violent, unpredictable, and uncontrollable."


Frank Ocean to Headline Spring Fling — Just Kidding, It’s Camila Cabello :(

The entire student and faculty body is required to attend this historic event. This will be Camila’s fiftieth concert of the year. It will not be recorded because nobody would watch it, so make sure to bring your A-game, Penn!


OP-ED: The Penn Community Has an Obligation to Steal Everything from Fro Gro Before It Closes

Everyone who has gone to Fro Gro knows that it is more difficult to pay for items than it is to steal them. In this vein, paying for items is both an excessive display of wealth and a gratuitous means of holding up the self-checkout line. 


Amy Gutmann Completely Independently Chooses to Divest from Coal and Tar Sands

In a breathtaking feat of courage, President Amy Gutmann has defied student desires and popular opinion by choosing to divest from coal and tar sands while ingeniously remaining invested in all other forms of fossil fuels.


Feeling Depressed? Here’s Why You Should Feel Guilty About That

Have you been feeling hopeless, panicked, or uncontrollably sad? Well, rather than seeking help or telling yourself that you are loved and have lots to look forward to, there are several reasons why you should actually feel guilty about your depression, even though it is an illness you are not at fault for.


BREAKING: West and Down Closed Permanently Following Failed Vibe Check

The sick, twisted minds behind West and Down will be moving their establishment to an abandoned fish factory in Croatia. The owners said, “We are really excited about the new direction of West and Down, and we know our business model will flourish at Skuša-Šnjur Tvornica.”


Man Explains Bernie to Woman

Arnold, a PPE major, looked his girlfriend in the eyes for the first time, excited to strut his knowledge of politics, philosophy, and economics: “Actually, Bernie is the same age as Trump. And it is a verifiable scientific fact that he is more likely to win the presidency than Warren, because he is a man and she is a woman. Also, I don’t know if you know what this means, but Bernie would be much better for the economy.


Inside the Mask and Wig Pitch Room

The Mask and Wig Club, a private club in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, founded in 1889, is the oldest all-male collegiate musical comedy troupe in the United States. Here is an inside look into the minds behind the production. 


Amy Gutmann to Rename Herself Following $250 Million Donation

My new name is an enormous honor, and it completely captures Penn's mission as a prestigious research university."


BREAKING: CAPS to Be Relocated to Camden

“This location is far enough to provide Penn students with considerable anonymity and close enough for it to technically still be accessible to Penn students."


Ok Boomer! Professor Thinks You Should Probably Withdraw

"We're unfortunately past the drop deadline, but your grade is currently so low that, were it to show up on your final transcript, the Math department would be forced to blacklist you."


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