My new name is an enormous honor, and it completely captures Penn's mission as a prestigious research university."

“This location is far enough to provide Penn students with considerable anonymity and close enough for it to technically still be accessible to Penn students."

"We're unfortunately past the drop deadline, but your grade is currently so low that, were it to show up on your final transcript, the Math department would be forced to blacklist you."

“I just don’t get why stairs still exist. Like I get it for people who live in villages or farms or whatever, but for those of us who grew up in skyscrapers, which is obviously most of Penn, stairs are really challenging and, quite frankly, horrifying.” 

Johnson likes to do market research for startups in his free time. Outside of that, he attends BYOs for the 15 branches of SPEC of which he is a part.

Jessica Roberts loves supporting her local ecosystem. She has also been looking for a place to channel her enormous reservoir of pent up anger. When she heard that killing a certain type of insect would benefit the environment, Jessica didn’t hesitate to absolutely go off the rails.

For 15 minutes, Stephanie continued to express her disbelief that the AIDS crisis was even a thing, referencing her boyfriend, Lady Gaga, and the ‘miracle of PrEP’ multiple times.

Even though she isn’t “geographically” a “resident” of New York City, she completely identifies as a New Yorker, both spiritually and as an artist. 

Stephanie loves using Twitter. She loves it so much, in fact, that she can immediately tell whether or not a person is on Twitter when she first meets them.

Bryce reported that the first time he added poppers to his diffuser, he was put in a coma for three weeks, during which he had a manic fever dream about Catholic theater camp.

Carlos Howard is only a freshman, but he’s already in three clubs, and all three of them use Slack. It goes without saying that Carlos is very important and constantly busy.  

John read five pages of his pop-psych freshman writing seminar book, then wrote down all of his tasks for that day, then decided that he was sad, so he picked up his things and headed back to Penn’s campus.

Sometimes, when she pulls the short straw and winds up with an anxiety attack, she starts sweating and drops a class.

I know this frat on Spruce where we’ll have a really bad time and immediately want to leave. The guys at this frat are simultaneously really mean to everyone and also sexually attracted to everyone.

I’m going to ‘good question’ my question just to make sure everyone sees it.

We know it can be tricky to hide your pride, but that’s just what our leftist campus pseudo-culture does to us.

Upon arriving at her consultation, her career advisor asked her some basic questions about her interests, majors, sexual history, vibes, and previous work experience, entering them all into the artificial intelligence career calculator.

Freshmen, get your pens and pencils ready. 

You’ve been busy with exams and clubs the past week and haven’t seen him in six days. It’s entirely possible that he hasn’t had a sufficient meal in that span of time.

The piece, entitled “My Thin, Graying Beard and Receding Hairline Should Exempt Me from Providing Pronouns” has received a whopping 15 pageviews all by itself, up 87% from the site’s total pageviews for the entire month of February.