Sammy Gordon


Articles

OP-ED: I Didn’t Get a Flu Shot, but It’s Okay Cause I Have a Cup of Green Tea Everyday

I consider myself an herbalist. No, not in the I-smoke-pot-everyday way, but more in my tendency to consume a small cup of single-origin green tea every day.  


Professor Assigns Problem Set That Is Just a List of Intimate Personal Issues

Physics professor Robert Ryker recently assigned a problem set to his physics 151 lecture that contained no physics problems. Instead, it contained a list of Professor Ryker's personal issues.


Results Are In! Girls Aren't Intimidated by You — You're Just an Asshole

I know you think your confidence and good looks are intimidating, but I’m here to tell you that women aren’t intimidated by you — you’re just an asshole.   


Student Who Dropped Hydroflask in Middle of Lecture Changes Identity and Moves to New Zealand

But the day Campbell dropped her 64oz stainless steel water vessel from a height of three feet, directly onto the concrete floor of her 1PM CIS lecture in Towne, in the middle of an important slide about linked lists, everything changed. 


OP-ED: Why We Should Close Walnut to Cars and Turn It Into the World's Largest Urban Iguana Sanctuary

Cars harm the environment and clog up our cities, and it’s high time we do something about that.


OP-ED: My Cocaine Use Doesn't Define Me, But My Pants With Vertical Stripes Do

It is easy to label me for my drug use. But what really sets me apart are my fun, rebellious pants. 


BREAKING: Girls Wearing Matching White Adidas Want You to Go to Their Sorority's Philanthropy Event

She was wearing Stan Smiths and would wave flyers in front of passersby, at times even forcing the slips of paper into victims’ mouths.


Report: Air Quality in Hotboxed VP Bathroom Better Than Average Room in Quad

The report comes after the discovery of mold in several rooms in the Quad.


Man Tries Desperately to Absorb Sunlight Before Sun Disappears for Five Months

College senior Mark Judge was recently spotted laying shirtless on Locust Walk, with sunlight hitting his entire body.


OP-ED: Penn’s Hand Foot Mouth Epidemic Can Be Brutal, but It’s One of the Best Things About It

The disease can be brutal, but having it makes you realize just how lucky you are to be a living person with hands, feet, and a mouth.


Man On Bicycle Ignores Red Light, Biking Through Hundreds of Pedestrians

In a statement to UTB, the cyclist, who we have decided to anonymize, was adamant that he did nothing wrong.  


Shocking Investigation: Huntsman Becomes Dominatrix Sex Dungeon After 2AM

In a recent investigation by Under the Button dot com, it was discovered that famed innocence-corrupter and Zion of capitalist ensnarement John M. Huntsman Hall becomes a dominatrix sex dungeon after 2 a.m.


Yikes: Student Who Says 'I'm Actually Really Interested in Finance' Not a Sellout, Just a Nerd

Unfortunately for everyone around him, Brett loves arranging excel spreadsheets, researching market trends, and creating investment algorithms.


SHS Diagnoses Virgin With Four STDs

He thought he had a cold, and he wanted to receive some advice on how to improve his health.  But when he showed up to SHS with slight congestion, he received a grave diagnosis.


Fine Arts Dept. Unveils New Course: 'How to Add Little Squiggly Lines to Photos'

The move comes after a rise in party photography at Penn, in which fraternities and sororities hire someone who owns a nice camera to photograph their drunk members and add fun little squiggly lines to all the photos.


Sophomore Who Decided Not to Join a Meal Plan Has Eaten Dinner Alone in Room for Four Weeks Straight

Engineering sophomore Eric Jayne has decided not to join a meal plan this semester and to instead save some money by eating on his own. Though the move was frugal and bold, it has resulted in a downward spiral of Jayne’s social life, as he has yet to consume a dinner in the presence of another human.


OP-ED: I Just Showed up Fifteen Minutes Late to This Lecture with a Giant Motorized Scooter and I Want to Make a Scene

I know I might be a little intrusive, but I just really need to sit in the front row to concentrate. I find that sitting too far away from the professor creates a divide that’s challenging to get over, and it makes my undiagnosed ADHD run wild.


Sophomore Wakes up Happy and Excited to Take on Day

College sophomore Alexis Tremblay was woken up by natural light peaking through her blinds.  She looked out her window, saw the blue sky and swaying trees, and thought, “Wow. I’m lucky to be here at Penn.  I have a lot to be thankful for and I am excited to take on this day.”


BREAKING: Jeb Bush Walks Down Locust, Literally No One Cares

On Wednesday, University President Amy Gutmann and Provost Wendell Pritchett named former Florida Governor Jeb Bush a non-resident Presidential Professor of Practice for the 2018-2019 academic year. Though few are sure what this actually means for Penn, even fewer care about Jeb Bush at all.


OP-ED: Dear Protesters, I Am a Whore, But Not Because I’m a Feminist

My name is Chad and I’m a whore. I am also a feminist. But Mr. Preacher: being a feminist is not what makes me a whore—I promise.   


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