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Sammy Gordon


Articles

Ladies: Does Your Man Have the Munchies or Has He Just Neglected to Feed Himself for a Week?

You’ve been busy with exams and clubs the past week and haven’t seen him in six days. It’s entirely possible that he hasn’t had a sufficient meal in that span of time.


Meet the Statesman Writer Whose Piece on Pronouns Has 15 Page Views

The piece, entitled “My Thin, Graying Beard and Receding Hairline Should Exempt Me from Providing Pronouns” has received a whopping 15 pageviews all by itself, up 87% from the site’s total pageviews for the entire month of February. 


Nice! This Senior Has Nothing Lined up After Graduation but Is Okay with That Because His Lifestyle Permits Failure

The pressure from employed seniors doesn’t help. It’s reported that a gang of seniors — all of them headed to Goldman Sachs as analysts — raided the Saxby’s on 40th, throwing hot coffee at people, and uttering, “Employed yet, idiot?”


Meet the 4 Penn Juniors Who Are Reading Books for Fun Outside of Class

Instead of unwinding with an episode of The Office or with a few bottles of wine, some Penn students are now turning to recreational reading as a means of de-stressing.


Annenberg Running Club Catches Infamous Drug Lord in Serbia

"This is just what we do now. After catching that local criminal, we were ready to take on a larger challenge.  And that’s exactly what we did.” Throughout our interview, Despereaux licked what appeared to be blood off of a large machete, which, according to the professor, “has severed its fair share of drug lord limbs.”


Gay Statesman Writer Prefers Men Both Romantically and Professionally

College junior Daniel Atwood is just like every other red-blooded American boy: he likes his coffee black, meat on his plate, and assault rifles under his pillow.


Look at Her Go! This Wharton Freshman Is Taking Five Credits Next Semester

Wintman feels that people tend to put her in a box: they assume she will not take an intense workload due to her calm personality. However, when she was registering for classes this semester, she decided to break that mold.


OP-ED: I Didn’t Get a Flu Shot, but It’s Okay Cause I Have a Cup of Green Tea Everyday

I consider myself an herbalist. No, not in the I-smoke-pot-everyday way, but more in my tendency to consume a small cup of single-origin green tea every day.  


Professor Assigns Problem Set That Is Just a List of Intimate Personal Issues

Physics professor Robert Ryker recently assigned a problem set to his physics 151 lecture that contained no physics problems. Instead, it contained a list of Professor Ryker's personal issues.


Results Are In! Girls Aren't Intimidated by You — You're Just an Asshole

I know you think your confidence and good looks are intimidating, but I’m here to tell you that women aren’t intimidated by you — you’re just an asshole.   


Student Who Dropped Hydroflask in Middle of Lecture Changes Identity and Moves to New Zealand

But the day Campbell dropped her 64oz stainless steel water vessel from a height of three feet, directly onto the concrete floor of her 1PM CIS lecture in Towne, in the middle of an important slide about linked lists, everything changed. 


OP-ED: Why We Should Close Walnut to Cars and Turn It Into the World's Largest Urban Iguana Sanctuary

Cars harm the environment and clog up our cities, and it’s high time we do something about that.


OP-ED: My Cocaine Use Doesn't Define Me, But My Pants With Vertical Stripes Do

It is easy to label me for my drug use. But what really sets me apart are my fun, rebellious pants. 


BREAKING: Girls Wearing Matching White Adidas Want You to Go to Their Sorority's Philanthropy Event

She was wearing Stan Smiths and would wave flyers in front of passersby, at times even forcing the slips of paper into victims’ mouths.


Report: Air Quality in Hotboxed VP Bathroom Better Than Average Room in Quad

The report comes after the discovery of mold in several rooms in the Quad.


Man Tries Desperately to Absorb Sunlight Before Sun Disappears for Five Months

College senior Mark Judge was recently spotted laying shirtless on Locust Walk, with sunlight hitting his entire body.


OP-ED: Penn’s Hand Foot Mouth Epidemic Can Be Brutal, but It’s One of the Best Things About It

The disease can be brutal, but having it makes you realize just how lucky you are to be a living person with hands, feet, and a mouth.


Man On Bicycle Ignores Red Light, Biking Through Hundreds of Pedestrians

In a statement to UTB, the cyclist, who we have decided to anonymize, was adamant that he did nothing wrong.  


Shocking Investigation: Huntsman Becomes Dominatrix Sex Dungeon After 2AM

In a recent investigation by Under the Button dot com, it was discovered that famed innocence-corrupter and Zion of capitalist ensnarement John M. Huntsman Hall becomes a dominatrix sex dungeon after 2 a.m.


Yikes: Student Who Says 'I'm Actually Really Interested in Finance' Not a Sellout, Just a Nerd

Unfortunately for everyone around him, Brett loves arranging excel spreadsheets, researching market trends, and creating investment algorithms.


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