In a recent investigation by Under the Button dot com, it was discovered that famed innocence-corrupter and Zion of capitalist ensnarement John M. Huntsman Hall becomes a dominatrix sex dungeon after 2 a.m.

Unfortunately for everyone around him, Brett loves arranging excel spreadsheets, researching market trends, and creating investment algorithms.

He thought he had a cold, and he wanted to receive some advice on how to improve his health.  But when he showed up to SHS with slight congestion, he received a grave diagnosis.

The move comes after a rise in party photography at Penn, in which fraternities and sororities hire someone who owns a nice camera to photograph their drunk members and add fun little squiggly lines to all the photos.

Engineering sophomore Eric Jayne has decided not to join a meal plan this semester and to instead save some money by eating on his own. Though the move was frugal and bold, it has resulted in a downward spiral of Jayne’s social life, as he has yet to consume a dinner in the presence of another human.

I know I might be a little intrusive, but I just really need to sit in the front row to concentrate. I find that sitting too far away from the professor creates a divide that’s challenging to get over, and it makes my undiagnosed ADHD run wild.

College sophomore Alexis Tremblay was woken up by natural light peaking through her blinds.  She looked out her window, saw the blue sky and swaying trees, and thought, “Wow. I’m lucky to be here at Penn.  I have a lot to be thankful for and I am excited to take on this day.”

On Wednesday, University President Amy Gutmann and Provost Wendell Pritchett named former Florida Governor Jeb Bush a non-resident Presidential Professor of Practice for the 2018-2019 academic year. Though few are sure what this actually means for Penn, even fewer care about Jeb Bush at all.

My name is Chad and I’m a whore. I am also a feminist. But Mr. Preacher: being a feminist is not what makes me a whore—I promise.   

Junior peer advisor Julia Cole has started reaching out to her freshman advisees.  She’s encouraged them all to contact their pre-major advisor, apply to all the clubs that interest them, and to try some cocaine. 

Wharton freshman Ethan Browdy has decided to enter the finance industry for a few years before launching a non-profit startup.

An alarming number of squirrels have recently been found dead on College Green. With so few showing signs of physical trauma, many assumed that this string of deaths was due to chemical poisoning.

This move comes after several complaints from the student body regarding the performance of professors in the math department, along with a string of budget cuts from the administration.

An unidentified man recently booked a Group Study Room on the ground floor of Huntsman Hall to eat his Chipotle bowl and stare at the wall.

Sophomore Allison Jackman begins all of her texts with a lowercase letter. While it comes off as chill and casual, Jackman actually uses it to compensate for her abrasive attitude.

Franklin’s Table recently opened at 36th and Walnut, and it has already drawn criticism from the Penn community for its steep prices and inaccessibility to locals.

The data came as no surprise to the team. Junior Andrea Jackson led the effort, and she told Under the Button that this study is the first of a series looking at the differences between regular, sensible people, and those who refuse to walk to class.

There are images of you from long ago in which you look decades older than you currently do. Is that a result of proper exfoliation and skin-toning, or plastic surgery