Sammy Gordon


Articles

Shocking Investigation: Huntsman Becomes Dominatrix Sex Dungeon After 2AM

In a recent investigation by Under the Button dot com, it was discovered that famed innocence-corrupter and Zion of capitalist ensnarement John M. Huntsman Hall becomes a dominatrix sex dungeon after 2 a.m.


Yikes: Student Who Says 'I'm Actually Really Interested in Finance' Not a Sellout, Just a Nerd

Unfortunately for everyone around him, Brett loves arranging excel spreadsheets, researching market trends, and creating investment algorithms.


SHS Diagnoses Virgin With Four STDs

He thought he had a cold, and he wanted to receive some advice on how to improve his health.  But when he showed up to SHS with slight congestion, he received a grave diagnosis.


Fine Arts Dept. Unveils New Course: 'How to Add Little Squiggly Lines to Photos'

The move comes after a rise in party photography at Penn, in which fraternities and sororities hire someone who owns a nice camera to photograph their drunk members and add fun little squiggly lines to all the photos.


Sophomore Who Decided Not to Join a Meal Plan Has Eaten Dinner Alone in Room for Four Weeks Straight

Engineering sophomore Eric Jayne has decided not to join a meal plan this semester and to instead save some money by eating on his own. Though the move was frugal and bold, it has resulted in a downward spiral of Jayne’s social life, as he has yet to consume a dinner in the presence of another human.


OP-ED: I Just Showed up Fifteen Minutes Late to This Lecture with a Giant Motorized Scooter and I Want to Make a Scene

I know I might be a little intrusive, but I just really need to sit in the front row to concentrate. I find that sitting too far away from the professor creates a divide that’s challenging to get over, and it makes my undiagnosed ADHD run wild.


Sophomore Wakes up Happy and Excited to Take on Day

College sophomore Alexis Tremblay was woken up by natural light peaking through her blinds.  She looked out her window, saw the blue sky and swaying trees, and thought, “Wow. I’m lucky to be here at Penn.  I have a lot to be thankful for and I am excited to take on this day.”


BREAKING: Jeb Bush Walks Down Locust, Literally No One Cares

On Wednesday, University President Amy Gutmann and Provost Wendell Pritchett named former Florida Governor Jeb Bush a non-resident Presidential Professor of Practice for the 2018-2019 academic year. Though few are sure what this actually means for Penn, even fewer care about Jeb Bush at all.


OP-ED: Dear Protesters, I Am a Whore, But Not Because I’m a Feminist

My name is Chad and I’m a whore. I am also a feminist. But Mr. Preacher: being a feminist is not what makes me a whore—I promise.   


Peer Advisor Suggests Trying 'A Little Cocaine' This Semester

Junior peer advisor Julia Cole has started reaching out to her freshman advisees.  She’s encouraged them all to contact their pre-major advisor, apply to all the clubs that interest them, and to try some cocaine. 


Brave! Wharton Freshman Decides to Do Finance for a Few Years Before Going Into Philanthropy

Wharton freshman Ethan Browdy has decided to enter the finance industry for a few years before launching a non-profit startup.


Death Rate of Squirrels on College Green Skyrockets; Penn Researchers Blame Toxic Environment

An alarming number of squirrels have recently been found dead on College Green. With so few showing signs of physical trauma, many assumed that this string of deaths was due to chemical poisoning.


Penn to Replace All Math Professors with Cardboard Cutouts of Old Dudes and Khan Academy Videos

This move comes after several complaints from the student body regarding the performance of professors in the math department, along with a string of budget cuts from the administration.


Man Books GSR to Eat Chipotle and Stare at the Wall; God Immediately Damns Him to Hell

An unidentified man recently booked a Group Study Room on the ground floor of Huntsman Hall to eat his Chipotle bowl and stare at the wall.


Shocking! Girl Who Begins Every Text With Lowercase Letter Is Actually Not Chill at All

Sophomore Allison Jackman begins all of her texts with a lowercase letter. While it comes off as chill and casual, Jackman actually uses it to compensate for her abrasive attitude.


New Deli at Franklin's Table Bites the Bullet and Names Itself 'Product of Gentrification'

Franklin’s Table recently opened at 36th and Walnut, and it has already drawn criticism from the Penn community for its steep prices and inaccessibility to locals.


Study Finds That 89% of Students Who Ride Electric Longboards End Up Sad and Lonely

The data came as no surprise to the team. Junior Andrea Jackson led the effort, and she told Under the Button that this study is the first of a series looking at the differences between regular, sensible people, and those who refuse to walk to class.


An Open Letter to Amy Gutmann: Why the Fuck Is Your Skin So Perfect?

There are images of you from long ago in which you look decades older than you currently do. Is that a result of proper exfoliation and skin-toning, or plastic surgery




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