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Sammy Gordon


Articles

Uh Oh! Stephanie Is Going to Talk About the AIDS Crisis Now

For 15 minutes, Stephanie continued to express her disbelief that the AIDS crisis was even a thing, referencing her boyfriend, Lady Gaga, and the ‘miracle of PrEP’ multiple times.


Interesting! Student Hangs up Poster of City She Lives an Hour Outside Of

Even though she isn’t “geographically” a “resident” of New York City, she completely identifies as a New Yorker, both spiritually and as an artist. 


Not That! Stephanie Just Started Using ‘Periodt!’ over Text

Stephanie loves using Twitter. She loves it so much, in fact, that she can immediately tell whether or not a person is on Twitter when she first meets them.


Fine Arts Student Adds Poppers to Essential Oil Diffuser

Bryce reported that the first time he added poppers to his diffuser, he was put in a coma for three weeks, during which he had a manic fever dream about Catholic theater camp.


Busy and Elite Pre-Professional Student Uses Slack During Lecture

Carlos Howard is only a freshman, but he’s already in three clubs, and all three of them use Slack. It goes without saying that Carlos is very important and constantly busy.  


Student Walks 45 Minutes to Capital One Cafe to Do 15 Minutes of Work

John read five pages of his pop-psych freshman writing seminar book, then wrote down all of his tasks for that day, then decided that he was sad, so he picked up his things and headed back to Penn’s campus.


Student Excited to See If Coffee Will Cause Euphoria or Anxiety Attack

Sometimes, when she pulls the short straw and winds up with an anxiety attack, she starts sweating and drops a class.


OP-ED: Do You Want to Go out Tonight? I Know a Frat That Will Make Us Both Really Uncomfortable

I know this frat on Spruce where we’ll have a really bad time and immediately want to leave. The guys at this frat are simultaneously really mean to everyone and also sexually attracted to everyone.


OP-ED: Someone Answer My Piazza Question Before I Fucking Lose It

I’m going to ‘good question’ my question just to make sure everyone sees it.


How to Talk About Your Bain Internship Without Confessing That You Made 50 Grand

We know it can be tricky to hide your pride, but that’s just what our leftist campus pseudo-culture does to us.


Career Services Tells Junior to Go Fuck Herself

Upon arriving at her consultation, her career advisor asked her some basic questions about her interests, majors, sexual history, vibes, and previous work experience, entering them all into the artificial intelligence career calculator.


Seven Acronyms Every Penn Freshman Needs to Know

Freshmen, get your pens and pencils ready. 


Ladies: Does Your Man Have the Munchies or Has He Just Neglected to Feed Himself for a Week?

You’ve been busy with exams and clubs the past week and haven’t seen him in six days. It’s entirely possible that he hasn’t had a sufficient meal in that span of time.


Meet the Statesman Writer Whose Piece on Pronouns Has 15 Page Views

The piece, entitled “My Thin, Graying Beard and Receding Hairline Should Exempt Me from Providing Pronouns” has received a whopping 15 pageviews all by itself, up 87% from the site’s total pageviews for the entire month of February. 


Nice! This Senior Has Nothing Lined up After Graduation but Is Okay with That Because His Lifestyle Permits Failure

The pressure from employed seniors doesn’t help. It’s reported that a gang of seniors — all of them headed to Goldman Sachs as analysts — raided the Saxby’s on 40th, throwing hot coffee at people, and uttering, “Employed yet, idiot?”


Meet the 4 Penn Juniors Who Are Reading Books for Fun Outside of Class

Instead of unwinding with an episode of The Office or with a few bottles of wine, some Penn students are now turning to recreational reading as a means of de-stressing.


Annenberg Running Club Catches Infamous Drug Lord in Serbia

"This is just what we do now. After catching that local criminal, we were ready to take on a larger challenge.  And that’s exactly what we did.” Throughout our interview, Despereaux licked what appeared to be blood off of a large machete, which, according to the professor, “has severed its fair share of drug lord limbs.”


Gay Statesman Writer Prefers Men Both Romantically and Professionally

College junior Daniel Atwood is just like every other red-blooded American boy: he likes his coffee black, meat on his plate, and assault rifles under his pillow.


Look at Her Go! This Wharton Freshman Is Taking Five Credits Next Semester

Wintman feels that people tend to put her in a box: they assume she will not take an intense workload due to her calm personality. However, when she was registering for classes this semester, she decided to break that mold.


OP-ED: I Didn’t Get a Flu Shot, but It’s Okay Cause I Have a Cup of Green Tea Everyday

I consider myself an herbalist. No, not in the I-smoke-pot-everyday way, but more in my tendency to consume a small cup of single-origin green tea every day.  


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