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Thank God! This Sophomore Definitively Ranked Penn’s Sororities to Make Up for His Tiny Penis

Students walking between classes on the first day of Fall semester, 2013.

On Sunday evening, although nobody asked him to, Grant Samuels (W ‘20) created a five-point rubric for Penn’s sororities and managed to definitively rank them all over the course of fifteen minutes. Friends and family were relieved to hear Samuels had taken it upon himself to accomplish this important task, as it helps make up for his tiny penis.

Despite Samuels originally posting the ranking anonymously under the username “da truth,” it was later leaked to the student body that he was in fact the talented author. Reception to the post, describing the 200-person sorority Delta Gamma as, “full of self-obsessed uggos who are pretty smart but annoying as fuckk,” gave him enough confidence to compensate for his shockingly small peen.

A survey conducted by Penn’s Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life after his authorship was leaked found an interesting result: although previously 80% of female students on campus didn’t really think about Samuels that much, "except for that one time we did a Spanish project together,” now, a whopping 75% of female students on campus are always thinking about Samuels because “he’s so cool and really understands women.”

“My whole life I’ve felt like a part of me was missing,” Samuels said outside Harrison College House. “Now I just feel…bigger.”

Update: Later Sunday evening, Samuels reached out to seven UTB reporters, asking, “u up?”