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‘I Really Want an Apartment in NYC With Exposed Brick and Granite Countertops,' Says Broke Senior Plagued by HGTV


Photo by JamesDeMers / CC0

Mariana Rodriguez (C ’18) landed her dream job for after graduation. Well, it’s not actually her dream job, because no actually dreams of being a consultant, but congrats anyway, Mari! She’s looking forward to truly live out “Penn, but make it NYC” a la Tyra Banks and Amy Gutmann.

And, you know what that means: searching for a living space on which you’ll spend the vast majority of your mediocre income! Growing up rocks.

Mariana is just too excited to find her dream apartment to go along with her dream job. She grew up watching HGTV and still occasionally binges “House Hunters” while drinking a bottle of wine by herself. Plus, she has the BIGGEST crush on the Property Brothers! They’re just so cute and silly.

Mariana knows ALL the ins and outs of residential real estate thanks to HGTV. “I really want an apartment in NYC with exposed brick and granite countertops. A walk-in closet, bathtub with jets, state-of-the-art washer/dryer, balcony, bonfire pit, and outdoor pizza oven would also be pretty clutch. But I guess those are more of my wants than my needs,” she said, completely ignoring the topic of her budget. Mariana continued listing off the ideal qualities of her first apartment ever, acting as if her wallet were as thicc as her hopes and dreams.

“So, like, when do I get my three amazing options that I’ll toil over until finally choosing the underdog apartment that I will grow to know and love while maintaining my near flawless professional and social lives?” asked Mariana. When UTB finally asked Mariana about her monthly budget for rent, she mumbled something about how “some things are better off left unsaid.”