OP-ED: Hey Millennials, Want to Afford a House? Stop Using Avocados as Male Sex Toys

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I’ve seen your Twitters and your Facebooks about my generation, little twerp. So what if us "old folks" ruined the housing market and doomed the environment? It’s not my fault that you’re making stupid decisions about money and brunch and “rosé” and pocket pussies.

Reading this from your iPhone, you lackadaisical mooch? Maybe if you looked up from your buzzing doodad for a couple minutes you could contemplate that when I was your age, I saved up to have experiences with people, not gadgets. Back in my day, we washed and reused our condoms every time until they broke. That’s right—we made that sacrifice so that we could support our unplanned children instead of wasting our hard-earned cash on the luxury of a brand new rubber.

Stop complaining to me about welfare. I don’t want to hear it, and I don’t care what excuses you have. You can’t just go sticking your dick in an avocado every time you want to crank one out and expect me to pay your mortgage. It’s called economics, and when I was a boy, I took it at Penn for only $500 a semester, so don’t tell me it’s that hard to figure out.

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