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OP-ED: My Nipple Froze and Fell off During a Night Out. If Anyone Has Seen It, Please Let Me Know


Photo by Kat Smith / CC0

Last Friday night I drank a little too much, one thing led to another, and I woke up the next morning missing my left nipple. Yeah, the one over my heart. I’m pretty devastated, as you can imagine.

It was really, really cold, but I had grain alcohol, so I thought I would be able to cope with the plunging neckline I was wearing. Well, the grain alcohol obviously made me too numb—my left breast fell out of my shirt, my nipple fell off, and it’s been missing for nearly a week. I don’t know what to do.

There go all of my future dreams of starring in an erotic, yet tasteful, web series. Being painted nude by eager art students in Paris. I wanted to get both of my nipples pierced! What if I have twins, and I have to pick which one of them to breastfeed while I watch the other one die in my arms? Everything is lost.

I last saw it on the corner of 40th and Spruce. Maybe Allegro's used it instead of a pepperoni pizza slice? Not that my nipples look like pepperoni, but maybe they were desperate. Or, oh god, maybe my nipples really do look like pepperoni. In that case, is it better to just have one? I’m not sure if this is the fear talking now. I just feel really alone without the little guy. My bra is lighter, but my heart weighs a million tons. If anyone has seen a lost nipple, alone in the cold, please, please let me know. Also, put it on ice. Someone has to do something—think of the children.