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'Help Me Penn Student, You're My Only Hope' Pleads Hologram Dean Furda in New Quaker Days Initiative


Graphic by Sam Sedor / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Despite fewer people being accepted into the University this year, the number of students Penn needs to host Quaker Days attendees seems to be growing exponentially. The admissions department seems mystified as to why undergrads aren't leaping at the chance to spend two days helping 17-year-olds collect mountains of free stuff before accepting their offers at Yale.

“Between the emails we send, the flyers that we hand out, and the skywriting we've done, we really don't know how to engage with the student body,“ an admissions spokesperson told UTB in an email.

But this year Penn Admissions has a radical new plan. It all started when Dean Furda was rewatching Star Wars: A New Hope. He realized that if you need to get something done, the best way to get it done is to send a drone that can project a hologram of yourself saying the same things you could just say in an email. The transcript of the message is as follows:

“Is this thing on? (laughter.) I've been meaning to holla at you for a while, and I definitely would've posted on the gram but I wasn't sure if I had enough clout for you to fave it. It's Quaker Days, and I'm looking for you to find your Quaker bae among this year’s class of prospective students. I promise it’ll be lit, fam! Oh, also, please help me, Penn student, you're my only hope.”

This initiative has cost the University about $4 million, but Penn Admissions admits it’s been a worthy investment, as hosting signup rates have surged by 300%. Go Quakers!