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OP-ED: I Failed My Pregnancy Test and Want to Know Who Wrecked the Curve


Photo from amacchio / CC0

The results are in. I’m not pregnant. So now what I want to know is: who wrecked the fucking curve?

I know there were some guaranteed pregnancies. There are always some over-achievers— yeah, Misty from high school, I'm talking about you. However, there shouldn’t have been enough to screw me over this badly.

I want to know which one of you has been stocking up on the ovarian stimulation fertility pills. I’ll have you know that is fully cheating, and I will tell the doctor. He will give you a zero on the pregnancy and send you to the Office of Student Conduct.

I studied for pregnancy the natural way — eating healthy, timing it right, crystal energy shards. There’s no way I should have failed, unless some of you cheaters took those fancy, new injectable hormones.

And to those of you who’ve had twins. Fuck you. You are greedy and just wreck the curve for everyone. Kate plus 8.. honestly, have some compassion.

This is unfair, and I refuse to let it ruin my transcript. My medical records have been perfect thus far, and you try-hards just messed everything up. Screw you.