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Natalia Joseph


Articles

Penn to Get Serious About Bio Pond Skunk Infestation

Dealing with animal infestations has never been one of Penn's top priorities; however, the skunk infestation at the Bio Pond is simply getting out of hand. "Every time you walk through the area, it just reeks!" one biology professor complained. "Enough of us professors got together and told the University that it had to do something. We can't work on a campus like this."


Letter from Amy Gutmann: What Is the Netter Center?

For this reason, I am asking you, the students, to inform me, Amy Gutmann, about a new program that Penn has very recently implemented. I am, of course, asking about the Netter Center mindset that has taken over the campus. Students, I hear you. This Netter Center building is important to you. I would love to know why.


Hey, Does Anyone Know When Photos from the Chestnut Hill Potter Festival Are Coming Out?

Is it too much to ask for some high-quality pictures of me playing quidditch in the heart of historic Chestnut Hill?


Ok Boomer! Bouncer Won’t Allow Poppers on the Dance Floor

I'll just go buy a drink instead. Excited to join the alcoholic boomer masses.


Under the Button Endorses Voting in General Election but 2 Days Too Late

Under the Button is taking a stance! Penn, we implore you, go to the polls!


Bloomers Show Fails to Pass the Bechdel Test

That's all good and well, but, despite an all-female cast, the Bloomers show failed to pass the Bechdel Test. Even though every actress on stage was a woman, every skit was centered around a man, his penis, and how that penis potentially might be shrunken down to nothing.


BREAKING: Meet at the Tampons for Some Club Hazing

Plan to be done with all this around 11:00 P.M. That's when we'll be done yelling at you for being new. Expect us to look at our friends for reassurance as we scream at you — we don't know what we're doing! 


Bumble App to Only Let Bottoms Message First

However, we no longer live in a binary society of bashful woman and charming men. What about the coy gay bottoms and the dashing lesbian tops? What about the couples looking for a third? What about the little pig boys searching for the boots of a goddess to lick?


Williams Hall Ranked Safest Building on Campus

In a surprising 12 place jump, Williams Hall has beat out Van Pelt and Huntsman Hall in the 2019 Daily Pennsylvanian Safest UPenn Academic Building Rankings. 


Finance Bros Agree: Tiger Is a Sick Name for a Hedge Fund

Maybe I'll name my hedge fund Liger Global. Those names are different enough.


OP-ED: I Don't Support Big Pharma, I Only Support Small, Local Family Pharmas

I myself have many friends who have fallen victim to horrible addiction and by no fault of their own. No, it is the large, slimy, money-grubbing corporations that are to blame. They are the ones to profit from the addictive nature of the human body, and these corporate pigs care nothing for the individuals that are affected.


Chez Yasmine: Take a Free Napkin, Apple, Water, and Cigarette

Before I discovered Chez Yasmine, I was appalled by Penn's lack of SABSing locations.


My Parents Wouldn't Pay for My Tuition to a State School, but I Found My Home at Beta

That's when I stumbled into a "State Day" themed party at Beta: I had finally found my people.


Yo, Can You Venmo Me 60 Cents for the Condom I Used Last Night?

Like, we could have just relied on those birth control pills I'm pretty sure you're on.


Herd Is the Word: How One Junior’s Ranching Club Is Shaking up Campus

"As soon as I arrived at Penn, I noticed a disturbing lack of cattle."


It's Cute That Your Hookup Acts like His Name Is on the Lease, but God Help Him if He Eats My Wheat Thins Again

Aw, it's adorable that we have a third person sharing our living space. I love waking up and not being able to use the bathroom because you guys are having shower sex.


Golden Goose Introduces One for One Program: One Pair of Shoes for a One Percent Tax Break for the Wealthy

Golden Goose, a brand for the people, has decided to join the ranks of TOMS and many other altruistic companies. 


4 Carabiners to Let That Guy in Your Econ Lecture Know You're Not Interested

Every gay woman has been there. You're sitting in class, looking aggressively homosexual, and yet apparently not homosexual enough.


Sophomore Creates Spotify Add-on That Automatically Turns on Private Mode When You Listen to 'Mo Bamba' Before 8 P.M.

Embarrassing! Sam Sun’s (C '21) Spotify followers totally saw him bopping to Sheck Wes’s "Mo Bamba" at 10 a.m.! “It helps me wake up,” he protested when asked about these claims.


5 Manly Mountain Bikes to Conquer Potholes on Your Way to United By Blue

Tired of falling off your dinky little road bike every time you hit a Philly street crater?


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