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OP-ED: I'm All for Sex Positivity, but Please Don't Bang Your Man at 5 AM on a Tuesday


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

What isn't there to love about sex? Pleasure, passion, seductively whispering your Second Amendment rights to your partner—these are all things that we all enjoy and that shouldn't be stigmatized. I'm all for the destigmatization of sex, but Alice, please, don't aggressively bang your man during the wee hours of the morning before our CIS midterm.

I know that you and him have been having a pretty rocky relationship. He's a pretty great guy, but honestly, who can trust a man that pronounces "jalapeño" with a hard "J"? Whatever. Apparently you can, and as a true feminist, I support your decision and right to choice as a woman. No matter how many times you come into my room crying about a roadblock in your relationship, I will stand by your side. 

On the other hand, though, I would appreciate if you could respect some of my preferences as a woman, such as my preference to not hear you scream "Daddy" at the top of your lungs and bang on the wall at 5 in the morning. Or 4 in the morning. Or 3. Because for the past two weeks, I've been unintentionally and unavoidably eavesdropping on your late night sex-ventures. 

Did you know that the walls between rooms in the High Rises are really thin? That's why you can hear me practice my "longest 'yeah boy' ever" every night, even when I'm whispering it (I'm trying to go for the world record). That's also why the whole house shakes (including my bed) when you and your man boink. Jessica across the hall even told me that she can feel her bed shake strangely rhythmically really late at night. No, Jessica, it's not ghosts or a mini-earthquake—it's just Alice and her man again.