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Penn to Install Air Conditioners On All Incoming Freshmen, Saving Millions In Renovations


Photo by Ananya Chandra / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Right after accepting the Class of 2022, the Penn administration dropped a policy bombshell: starting this fall, all incoming freshmen will have state-of-the-art air conditioners installed directly on their persons. Incredible!

No longer will the university have to slog through the process of renovating building after building in an effort to make them habitable during the warmer half of the year. From now on, individual students will be masters of their own thermal destinies.

“We’re going to be saving millions,” noted a University spokeswoman, “We were on the verge of building a new Wharton building just because GSR 352 lost AC, but now we don’t even have to close a single floor of Hunstman!”

But not everyone is thrilled with the new policy change. Following the announcement, several recent admits expressed their doubts.

“I'm from Oslo,” sighed Lars Hansen (C ‘22). “I really don’t need a big metal box on my back blasting cold air at me 24/7.”

"I’m actually pretty excited!” countered Reyna Terson (EW ‘22), “They better give me two, seeing as I’m getting two degrees and all.” 

The new policy might be a polarizing one, but at least freshmen won't melt during NSO.