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Report: 9/10 Students Sitting on College Green Have Ants Crawling Up Their Butts


Photo by Sasint / CC0

East-Coasters everywhere rejoice! While Californians are still complaining about how cold it is outside, Alaskans and pretentious Canadians alike are setting their air conditioners to -60 degrees. Not everybody can be happy with perfect 70 degree weather, apparently. But hey, at least it’s not snowing in the middle of spring!

And as the warm weather melts away students’ feelings of existential dread, so too is it pushing all of its students—Indian dance members and shirtless white dudes alike—to the beautiful outdoors. Students, however, are not the only ones that have found their homes on the beautiful grasses of College Green. Millions of ants belonging to the Class of 2022, after facing a record-low acceptance rate of 8.39% like the rest of the incoming freshman class, have eagerly joined their fellow undergraduates by crawling up their butts and into their book bags as they picnic and study outside.

"It just kinda ruins the experience of being outside," said Lorenzo Stein (W '19). "One moment, I'm sitting on the grass and having a good time. Then, bam! Bugs in my bunghole. I'm struck in terror! And then, before I know it, double bam! A bug flies into my mouth! Looks like I gotta cover my holes." 

Stein was a member in school-sponsored outdoors cult PennQuest, but he claims that he didn't have a single bug crawl up his butt during his intense initiation, in which he had to spoon with a bear and sleep in the forest for 62 days straight. 

"It's just as reckless as sitting on the Ben Franklin bench," reported one student. "On the bench, there's like a 50% chance that you're going to be sitting in a pool of pee. When you sit on the grass, you have a 100% probability of having ants crawl up your butthole."