Weekly Horoscope: Which Pret Sandwich is Your Sign?

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Photo by Ken Crawford / CC-BY-SA 4.0

Aries: The straightforwardness and enthusiasm of an Aries is best characterized by the “Pret’s Ham and Cheese” baguette. A land animal sign, Aries is associated with sandwiches that are meat-forward and cautionless, feeling no need to cloak their true selves with a spread. Weekly Horoscope: Steer clear of Whole Foods. A listeria recall may be affecting your cheese.

Taurus: “Pret’s Cuban Artisan” baguette will give you the energy to take the bull by the horns this week! In all seriousness, though, the bull sign is notoriously stubborn, and eating a pork sandwich with strong flavors will give you the will to control your temper without having to compromise your pride by eating beef. Horoscope: Beware 2022 tourists and household pests.

Gemini: The instability and duality of the “Chicken Caesar and Bacon on Artisan” baguette is representative of your give-and-take dualist nature as a Gemini… but we didn’t have to tell you that! Your sign’s agitated energy begets a thirst for knowledge, which can be well-fueled with this carb-and-protein-heavy one-two punch of a meal. Horoscope: Seek balance and spiritual alignment by attending Pottruck yoga.

Cancer: Highly sensitive dwellers of the moonlight, cancers are drawn toward milder fare, such as “Pret’s Chicken Salad” sandwich. Cancers’ moods are transient, and the comforting childhood flavors of a mediocre chicken salad are grounding to a restless soul. Horoscope: The water is your friend. Seek peace in a stroll by the Schuylkill.

Leo: Leos are natural leaders, and their willingness to be the head of the pack is well-exemplified by the first item on Pret’s sandwich menu: “Balsamic Chicken and Avocado.” Hearty and confident souls, Leos require the substantiality of a nine-grain bread to satisfy their hunger for success and sandwiches. Horoscope: The time is right. Ask her out. I don’t care if you’re a straight girl. Ask her out.

Virgo: Distinguishing souls, Virgos are finely-tuned enough to pick out the subtlest of flavors in Pret’s “Chicken Pesto on Artisan” baguette. The small grains of the pesto spread are representative of Virgo’s appreciation for detail, and putting up with the grossness of yogurt and mayo drizzles is indicative of patient tolerance. Horoscope: Stand up for your happiness this week by exiting VP at least twice.

Libra: Your desire for harmony can be satisfied and exemplified by “Pret’s Egg Salad and Arugula” sandwich. You are willing to advocate for the sweetness of egg salad or the sharp, peppery contrast of arugula in your search for peace and balance, and the rich warmness of a freshly baked nine-grain bread encompasses your warmness and optimism. Horoscope: You’re not a real horse. Call your parents; they have a lot of explaining to do.

Scorpio: Only the “Artichoke Caprese Artisan” baguette can match you in intensity and virility. Satiate your carnal desires - physical and cerebral - with the aphrodisiac power of artichoke and nourishing, balancing protein of fresh mozzarella. Horoscope: Send nudes.

Sagittarius: Your heartiness and straightforwardness as a Sagittarius is well-represented by the “Smoked Ham and Cheddar” sandwich. You see no need for fancy baguettes or spreads. Just a touch of whole-grain mustard is all it takes to emulate your appreciation for candor. Horoscope: He’s not that into you. I’m sorry — he’s just not. There are plenty of other fish in the sea (see Pisces).

Capricorn: Careful, self-disciplined Capricorns appreciate the austerity of the “Pret’s Tuna and Cucumber” baguette. Swimming swiftly to the front of the pack like a speedy tuna, fueling your body with this Pret sandwich will give you the energy you need to climb the social ladder without flashy spreads or seasonings. Horoscope: The past is in the past. Avoid looking back on last week’s blackout and focus on finals.

Aquarius: Forward-thinkers like Aquarii are represented well by the “Chicken Mozzarella” baguette. A zesty balsamic marinade is indicative of a need for change in flavors and tone, and an Aquarius, like this edgy baguette, sees room for change in the world and is unhappy to stick with something so banal as a tomato and mozzarella sandwich. Horoscope: Re-check your deadlines. Your calendar is not as reliable as you think it is, and you should really switch to an integrated online system like Google calendar. Your planner isn’t “retro” anymore; it’s just inefficient.

Pisces: No surprise here! The Pisces sandwich is “Pret’s Tuna Salad.” Rich in omega-3 oils and ocean vibes for the fishiest sign, this sandwich is free of bells and whistles, leaving it unencumbered for the Pisces’ nomadic soul. Horoscope: Chug this 40 or you’re fake!

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