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What Being Searched Leaving Van Pelt Taught Me About Walking Around With a Pound of Weed in My Bag


Photo by Kirk Schwarz / CC BY 2.0

There’s both a short and a long way to share my tale and the lessons it imparted on me. The short way is as follows: why go to Van Pelt with a pound of weed in your bag? Go home and smoke your weed.

The real story is much more complicated. For many students, this is advice might not be feasible. There are some people who absolutely need to be carrying an lb. at all times, and that’s okay. 

There are still many steps that one can take to reduce the danger. For example, don’t go in the only building on campus that searches your bag on the way out. If you do absolutely need to go into Van Pelt, make sure to disguise your weed well (for instance, put it into all those oregano bottles that you have sitting around your house just begging for a purpose; no one questions the kid with a pound of oregano in their backpack).

Another safe option is to roll squad deep at all times so that everyone can each carry an ounce. No one questions packs of sixteen kids constantly walking together. If you’re concerned that maybe you and your friends all totally reek, try blasting Migos from your phone as you leave so the loud noises can distract the guards from their sense of smell. The human body has a finite amount of sensory ability, and playing really loud rap inside a library can solve all your problems with being too conspicuous.

If you follow this advice and still get caught, don’t panic. Take a deep breath, and run away as fast as you can. Remember that there are two sets of doors leaving the library, and they are both glass. Nothing ruins a stealthy getaway like smacking into that outer door like a bird in a windowpane.

You may still get caught. In fact, that’s incredibly likely. Stay calm, and keep repeating: “I do not go to this school, and I do not know how this PennCard got in my wallet.”

Disclaimer: UTB is not responsible for the success of this advice. For best results, leave your weed at home.