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BREAKING: Every Woman You Know Has Changed Her Name To ‘Katie’


Photo (with edits) by Maialisa / CC0

Three days ago, Philadelphia courts were overflowing with an influx of women aged 18-24 interested not in appealing their speeding tickets or renewing their passports, but in simultaneously changing their names to “Katie.”

It is unknown at this time what caused the unanimous obsession with the “Katie” name among the young women of Philadelphia. Linguistic experts have postulated that, as a culture, we hear the name “Katie” so much that we are in fact forgetting that other traditionally female names exist. Forward-thinking women are changing their names to “Katie” before all other names become obsolete — a phenomenon that would devastate the careers and social lives of “Non-Katies” and render all friendships and networking up to this point useless.

The lives of the freshly minted "Katies" appear, at this point, to be free of unforeseen negative consequences. For this reason, many mothers of young women are attempting to retroactively change their daughters’ names, further adding to the chaos at Philadelphia legal centers.

As far as the opinions of third parties go, several male students reported to UTB that they view the mass-name change is as an all-around win. Reasons for their approval included "Katie is a hot name,” and "Aren't women kind of all the same anyway?"