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Penn to Replace All Math Professors with Cardboard Cutouts of Old Dudes and Khan Academy Videos

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In order to improve PennCourseReview scores and save money, the Mathematics department has decided to dissolve its teaching division and replace it with a staff of cardboard cutouts of old men and Khan Academy videos.

This move comes after several complaints from the student body regarding the performance of professors in the math department, along with a string of budget cuts from the administration.

In a statement to Under the Button, Jim Wallace, the department chair, told us that there will no longer be math majors or minors available.

“Khan Academy videos only go up to a certain point, you know? We just can’t give you a minor if all you know is single-variable calculus. Also, students have just never really been one of our priorities. We just want to continue this lie that we are conducting research in the field of mathematics. What do people think we’re doing, for fuck's sake? Adding numbers till we get a new number?”

The department is excited for the increased student turnout for its new program, and for the increased time that professors will now have to drink coffee and listen to podcasts.