Trump Cites "Way Too Many Fucking Canadians At Penn" As Reason For Strict New Tariffs

Penn alum Donald J. Trump (W '68) has clearly had enough with the infestation of Canadians at his alma matter. Earlier this week, the President took harsh measures to prevent more Canadians from entering the university, imposing strict tariffs on the trade of metals, natural resources, and of course, annoying Canadian students. 

"It's time to take a firm stance and reclaim what is rightfully ours," exclaimed Trump, 15 minutes after a seemingly friendly encounter with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. "Penn students ought to be from East New Jersey, West New Jersey, and Long Island. Not Vancouver or Toronto or Saskatchetoon. That's how it's always been and how it should remain."  

The Canadian Club of Penn posed strong opposition to these tariffs, with all 593 members of the Club releasing a joint statement. "We are deeply disturbed by President Trump's comments, and are certain he would not be saying such things if he were only to visit Vancouver during the spring. It's beautiful, I promise you. Have you ever been? NO? Oh, you're missing out. And while you're at it, you MUST check out Montreal. It's like you're in Europe!" 

As hoards of cold-weather loving, OVO sweater-wearing Toronto Raptors fans continue to populate every crevice of Locust Walk, some wonder that these tariffs may have come a few Canadians too late.