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Sad: Wharton Students Will Be the First Ones Guillotined in the Class War


Photo by B.J. Habibie / Public Domain

Bad news, Whartonites. When the workers unite and the revolution is successful, your necks are the first ones on the chopping block.

For years, the people have been struggling underneath your iron boot. But, when they link arms and liberate themselves of their yokes, they are coming for Wharton students first.

Diego Fink, C ‘19, commands a rebel paramilitary unit. “We’ll set up the guillotine in the central piazza so everyone can watch your heads roll,” Diego said. “An Urban Studies major in a black hood will pull the rope that ends your cruel reign.”

Details of the mass execution are still being ironed out. “We are planning to guillotine seniors with banking return offers first, then juniors who talk about OCR a lot, followed by sophomores who transferred in from the College,” Diego said. “Assuming the guillotine’s moving parts are not so clogged with coagulated blood as to make it inoperable, we will then begin culling the MBA students.”

Jordan McClusker, W ‘18, was captured by revolutionaries last week as he exited a Dig Inn franchise in New York’s Financial District. He was held in a basement and kept awake for six days by an electric current running between his AirPods and the metal buckle on his loafers.

Jordan was finally released after pledging to pursue social impact consulting. “I survived by imagining an Excel spreadsheet,” Jordan said. “I dreamt I created a model for estimating the odds of hugging my mother again, but my Managing Director gave me a ton of comments on it so I do not think it was accurate.”

Laura Bernard, W ‘19, was not so lucky. Rebel forces triangulated her location by tracking her LinkedIn “Congratulations!” messages and captured her outside NYU dorms.

After refusing to turn over her company-issued phone, she was executed. With her head beneath the dangling blade, she shouted her final words at the spectators: “I was going to do my two years as an IB analyst, then probably get into private equity.”