Charlie Sosnick


Student Wakes From Nap In Refreshing State Of Delirium

Kylie Ortega was feeling drowsy as she headed home from class yesterday afternoon.

How to Heal Yourself After You Said Hi to Someone Wearing Noise-Cancelling Headphones

The pain of saying hello loudly enough for passersby to hear, so they can all watch you get ignored, cuts so deep that it can feel like you will never recover.

Penn Wellness Initiative Announces Plan To Gently Kiss Every Student On The Forehead, Tell Them They Have A Cute Smile

The Penn Wellness Initiative announced their plan to improve mental health on campus by lightly kissing each student on their foreheads and say “You have such a cute smile” before lifting their lips from their skin.

New Metal Water Bottle Replaces Previous Metal Water Bottle As Crucial Indicator Of Taste And Wealth

In front of a crowd of status-conscious, affluent witnesses, the Hydro Flask officially replaced the S’Well bottle as a completely necessary symbol of social worth.

Stressful, Miserable Campus Now Also Cold

Walking from imposing building to imposing building used to at least offer a few moments of sunshine as a salve for existential pain. Now you shiver as you trudge from one locus of punishment to another.

Penn Sleep Center Study Confirms: Your Boy is Legit Passed the Fuck Out and You Should Totally Draw a Monster Dong on His Face

In a landmark study, researchers at the Penn Sleep Center have confirmed that your buddy is for sure knocked out right now.

VIDEO: UTB Man on the Street: Family Weekend

Parents, how do they tick? We sent a veteran UTB reporter undercover as a Penn Dad to find out.

OP-ED: Please Read This. My Dad Thinks It's Cool When My Posts Are Popular.

If the post is popular, there’s a good shot my dad will text me about it. He might even say something encouraging like “Nice job!” or “Cool.” 

Poetry Professor Removes Plaid Sportcoat Before Seminar Climax

Eyewitness reports are confirming that Bert Saltalamacchia, Professor of English, took off his plaid sportcoat while delivering a feverish finale to his three hour seminar on Blake.

Scandal: Guy Who Made Your House a Chore Wheel Just Put His Plate in the Sink and Walked Away

Wow. Good luck explaining this one, Kyle. I don’t think anybody in your house is going to trust you again for a long, long time. Kyle Goldberg (E ’18) lives in a house with six of his friends. When they moved in, Kyle insisted they set up a chore wheel and divvy up responsibilities around the house.

Tearful Reunion: Mark Graduated Last Year But Came Back To Represent His Company At The Career Fair

Get the tissues ready. This one’s a tearjerker. Mark Portman (C ’18) graduated last year. His younger friends thought they would not see Mark until homecoming. But then a miracle happened. Mark’s company asked him to represent their firm during On Campus Recruiting.

Second Year Experience Program to Offer Additional Year Of Nervously Walking Through Hallway In Towel

Earlier today, Amy Gutmann rolled out the new "Second Year Experience." The program, which will require all sophomores to live in on-campus University housing, ensures that every Penn student will be guaranteed two years of fearfully walking to the shower in just a bath towel.

Two For One! Gutmann Making Life More Difficult For Private Landlords And Students At The Same Time

Wow. Is there anything this woman can’t do? Amy Gutmann’s new Second Year Experience program, officially announced today in a campus-wide email, requires all sophomores to live in on-campus housing starting in 2021.  Of course, we expect any email coming from our President to announce changes that make life more frustrating and difficult at Penn. But to also make life more difficult for private landlords? Brilliant.

Students With No Experience or Knowledge Compete to Be Consultants Providing Companies Their Experience and Knowledge

A record number of inexperienced, unknowledgeable students are participating in on-campus recruitment for top consulting firms, positions that would pay them for their experience and knowledge. Michael Burke (E ’19) completed a second round interview with Boston Consulting Group. “I’m interested in consulting because you get to use your expertise to help companies solve their problems,” Michael said. “It’s cool because I am not an expert in anything and I’ve never solved a single problem, but they’ll still pay me to do that.”

Study: The Musical Theater Kid On Your Hall Who Breaks Into Song All The Time Fucking Sucks

In a landmark study, Penn researchers have determined that your neighbor from freshman year who spontaneously erupted with selections from Les Miserables and Fiddler sucks.

OCR Attendee Asked Why He Is Wearing a Suit 581 Times in One Day

When Brian Dunham (C ’20) wore a suit for an info session on Monday, he was expecting everyone to compliment him for dressing up. Instead, he was asked 60 dozen times why he was wearing a suit.

US News Ranks Penn Number One in Ability to Face Federal Prosecution Later in Life

Of the thousands and thousands of universities in the world, Penn is No. 1 in students’ ability to be prosecuted on federal charges, according to The US News and World Report.

NSO Seminar to Teach Mechanisms for Coping With Father’s Indictment While at Penn

The “Daddy Issues: Legal Trouble in the Penn Bubble” seminar will be mandatory for all students whose family names are attached to campus buildings.

Sad: Wharton Students Will Be the First Ones Guillotined in the Class War

For years, the people have been struggling underneath your iron boot. But, when they link arms and liberate themselves of their yokes, they are coming for Wharton students first.

​Large East Village Apartment Smells Suspiciously Of Being Paid For By Parents

Visitors to the East Village apartment of Ryan Bertrand (W ’19) have been complaining of a strange smell.