Charlie Sosnick


Penn Researchers Develop Even Thinner Toilet Paper For Campus Bathrooms

45 percent thinner than existing toilet paper, the new design replaces the existing single ply with the equivalent of a half ply.

Laptop Extremely Cold On Defecating Student’s Bare Thighs

The metal underbelly of his MacBook frigid against his sensitive thigh skin, Ryan Glover (C ’19) struggled to operate his laptop computer while on the toilet yesterday.

Student Walking To Train Station Notes Drexel ‘Actually Kinda Nice’

As Jocelyn Zhao (W ’21) walked to 30th Street Station to catch a train Monday afternoon, she was struck by the observation that Drexel University’s campus is “actually kinda nice.”

Fashion Win! This Brave Formal Date Wore A Gray T-Shirt Instead Of A Suit

When Noah Levinson was asked to his current hookup’s sorority date night, he was nervous. 

Fancy Man Housemate Showing Off Nifty Little Espresso Doodad

The fancy, decadent man you share a house with is currently brewing espresso with his expensive, highly-specialized device.

OP-ED: FYI, I Took Adderall For This Party So Don’t Worry If I Accidentally Create An App

I thought it’d be fun to take one tonight. Let’s really have a night, you know? Well, you know how I get when I do stimulants.

Student Two Bites Into Copa Nachos Already Dreading Tomorrow’s Bowel Movement

After just a few nibbles of his food, Michael quickly felt an unsettled shift in his guts.

UPennAlert: Chef Rick Bayless Is Running Around Frontera Naked Slathered In Guacamole Again

People are advised to avoid the scene until further notice.

Student Wakes From Nap In Refreshing State Of Delirium

Kylie Ortega was feeling drowsy as she headed home from class yesterday afternoon.

How to Heal Yourself After You Said Hi to Someone Wearing Noise-Cancelling Headphones

The pain of saying hello loudly enough for passersby to hear, so they can all watch you get ignored, cuts so deep that it can feel like you will never recover.

Penn Wellness Initiative Announces Plan To Gently Kiss Every Student On The Forehead, Tell Them They Have A Cute Smile

The Penn Wellness Initiative announced their plan to improve mental health on campus by lightly kissing each student on their foreheads and say “You have such a cute smile” before lifting their lips from their skin.

New Metal Water Bottle Replaces Previous Metal Water Bottle As Crucial Indicator Of Taste And Wealth

In front of a crowd of status-conscious, affluent witnesses, the Hydro Flask officially replaced the S’Well bottle as a completely necessary symbol of social worth.

Stressful, Miserable Campus Now Also Cold

Walking from imposing building to imposing building used to at least offer a few moments of sunshine as a salve for existential pain. Now you shiver as you trudge from one locus of punishment to another.

Penn Sleep Center Study Confirms: Your Boy is Legit Passed the Fuck Out and You Should Totally Draw a Monster Dong on His Face

In a landmark study, researchers at the Penn Sleep Center have confirmed that your buddy is for sure knocked out right now.

VIDEO: UTB Man on the Street: Family Weekend

Parents, how do they tick? We sent a veteran UTB reporter undercover as a Penn Dad to find out.

OP-ED: Please Read This. My Dad Thinks It's Cool When My Posts Are Popular.

If the post is popular, there’s a good shot my dad will text me about it. He might even say something encouraging like “Nice job!” or “Cool.” 

Poetry Professor Removes Plaid Sportcoat Before Seminar Climax

Eyewitness reports are confirming that Bert Saltalamacchia, Professor of English, took off his plaid sportcoat while delivering a feverish finale to his three hour seminar on Blake.

Scandal: Guy Who Made Your House a Chore Wheel Just Put His Plate in the Sink and Walked Away

Wow. Good luck explaining this one, Kyle. I don’t think anybody in your house is going to trust you again for a long, long time. Kyle Goldberg (E ’18) lives in a house with six of his friends. When they moved in, Kyle insisted they set up a chore wheel and divvy up responsibilities around the house.

Tearful Reunion: Mark Graduated Last Year But Came Back To Represent His Company At The Career Fair

Get the tissues ready. This one’s a tearjerker. Mark Portman (C ’18) graduated last year. His younger friends thought they would not see Mark until homecoming. But then a miracle happened. Mark’s company asked him to represent their firm during On Campus Recruiting.

Second Year Experience Program to Offer Additional Year Of Nervously Walking Through Hallway In Towel

Earlier today, Amy Gutmann rolled out the new "Second Year Experience." The program, which will require all sophomores to live in on-campus University housing, ensures that every Penn student will be guaranteed two years of fearfully walking to the shower in just a bath towel.