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Charlie Sosnick


Huge L: Student Flubs Every Locust Interaction on Way to Class

We're going to take Locust today. It's going to be fine.

Gaga Googoo: This Big Baby Is Drinking Pedialyte in Bed Because He Can't Stand

Brandon’s been in bed for so long today, you better hope the soft part of his skull didn’t get dented.

Penn Researchers Confirm Lonely Stoners Seem to Free Their Minds at Night

While the test subjects are smoking both day and night, it seems that their minds are especially free at night.

OP-ED: I Swear It Was a Deviated Septum. Dr. Blum Doesn’t Even Do Cosmetic Procedures.

Dr. Blum is a real doctor, a surgeon. He doesn’t do cosmetic procedures.

UA Launches Fet Club, Offering 30 Days Of Kink Play For Seniors

Though details are still being finalized, likely events include a furries happy hour and a night at a BDSM club in Atlantic City.

Aw: This Couple Is Matching with the Same Wheezing Cough

They are practically inseparable. They eat, sleep, and even bathe together!

English Major to Graduate Having Read First 10 Pages of Hundreds of Great Books

For the rest of his life, Patrice’s degree in English will be a signal to all that he is a well-read man of letters, capable of discussing a wide range of literature in detail.

Courage Personified: This Foreign Girl Smokes All Over Penn’s Tobacco-Free Campus

Morozov inhales tar deep into her lungs as often as she can.

Penn Mourns Girl Swallowed By Own Humongous Scarf

Witnesses report that the scarf began slowly inching its way up, enveloping her neck, then face, and soon her entire head. 

Fossil Fuel Divestment ‘Economically Infeasible,’ Say Trustees Sipping Petroleum From Champagne Flutes

Though their comments were hard to understand due to the speakers’ gargling of crude oil, attendees were reminded that the University investment portfolio represents a diversified range of interests designed to ensure Penn’s fiscal sustainability.

Penn Struggling To Erect Building On Last Remaining Square Foot Of Grass

When appraisers first noticed the 11 inch by 11.5 inch rectangle of grassy dirt, the University community was shocked to learn that something like that still existed.

AirPennNet Celebrates 1 Million Hours Of Pornography Streamed On Network

Gutmann and the Board of Trustees have sought to boost erotica consumption through the Power of Porn campaign.

Penn Researchers Develop Even Thinner Toilet Paper For Campus Bathrooms

45 percent thinner than existing toilet paper, the new design replaces the existing single ply with the equivalent of a half ply.

Laptop Extremely Cold On Defecating Student’s Bare Thighs

The metal underbelly of his MacBook frigid against his sensitive thigh skin, Ryan Glover (C ’19) struggled to operate his laptop computer while on the toilet yesterday.

Student Walking To Train Station Notes Drexel ‘Actually Kinda Nice’

As Jocelyn Zhao (W ’21) walked to 30th Street Station to catch a train Monday afternoon, she was struck by the observation that Drexel University’s campus is “actually kinda nice.”

Fashion Win! This Brave Formal Date Wore A Gray T-Shirt Instead Of A Suit

When Noah Levinson was asked to his current hookup’s sorority date night, he was nervous. 

Fancy Man Housemate Showing Off Nifty Little Espresso Doodad

The fancy, decadent man you share a house with is currently brewing espresso with his expensive, highly-specialized device.

OP-ED: FYI, I Took Adderall For This Party So Don’t Worry If I Accidentally Create An App

I thought it’d be fun to take one tonight. Let’s really have a night, you know? Well, you know how I get when I do stimulants.

Student Two Bites Into Copa Nachos Already Dreading Tomorrow’s Bowel Movement

After just a few nibbles of his food, Michael quickly felt an unsettled shift in his guts.

UPennAlert: Chef Rick Bayless Is Running Around Frontera Naked Slathered In Guacamole Again

People are advised to avoid the scene until further notice.