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After Foregoing Straws, Cheryl Set to be Only One Invited to Heaven When World Burns in Hellfire


Photo from Max Pixel / CC0

For centuries, it has been clear that God has a limited number of spots in heaven, and for centuries, humans have debated who would get those spots. 

Some thought the Catholics would be chosen, some thought it would be the Muslims, others thought it would be non-violent activists. All of them were wrong. Today God announced Cheryl Wineman (N '21) will be the only one going to heaven when the world burns in hellfire, because she committed to not using plastic straws.

The announcement from our Lord and savior himself came in the form of a Facebook comment on Cheryl’s think piece for SLATE. The piece was a first-person account of her move away from straws. Her wide-ranging knowledge of turtles caught his eye, but it was her honesty about how hard this has been for her that pushed him over the edge.

The piece described how her friends gave her a weird look at Starbucks the first time she gave back a straw she was given, and how sometimes activism makes people uncomfortable. A source close to God said he thought it was “brave.”

The op-ed shed light on all of the horrible stories surrounding turtles and straws including, and limited to, that one video on Facebook with the straw in the turtle’s nose. According to the source, the AJ+ video really got God riled up. “It was like, this is gross… but important,” the anonymous source described.

God’s Facebook comment on Cheryl’s op-ed read: “Nice one Cheryl! Straws are my issue too. I have one spot in heaven and you just got it :) see you in... a bit?  Not too soon hopefully haha.” 

Some have pushed back on God's decision wondering why there is only one spot in heaven, why it is being saved for Cheryl, and where MLK is right now, but God has declined to answer. 

As of publication, God appeared steadfast in his decision, and Cheryl was really leaning into her sainthood. 

In an interview with UTB, Cheryl noted how hard it has been for her to make sure her reusable straw doesn’t get moldy on the inside—forcing her to throw it out and abruptly reclassify the straw as "disposable."

“I’m pretty ok with the work I have to put in to keep this up,” she said. “It's about making habits. I'll be honest though, it's harder than you think. I’m trying to keep it together. Especially now that I know God’s saving me from eternal damnation because of my bravery with straws and the turtles.”