Dudes at Pregame Really Impressing Everyone by Drinking Night Before Exam

Constantly reminding all those in attendance of his impending midterm, Wharton junior Daniel Evans was the star of the pregame last Thursday, dazzling peers with his incredible display of courage, mental fortitude, and clear-cut decision making.

“I can’t believe I’m taking this shot—I have an exam tomorrow!” Evans said exactly seven times, each louder than the last. Spectators gasped in amazement; they could simply not believe the high caliber of student at their university—one able to expertly balance social and academic life, one destined for great success.

Not to be one-upped, Evans' friend Paul Franklin (W ’20) clapped-back. “Just an exam? I have a superday tomorrow—in fact, I have to be at the airport in four hours,” he bragged, downing his fifth drink of the night. Upon hearing this news, attendees screamed and fell to the floor in unison, unable to stand in the presence of overwhelming greatness.

Then from the kitchen emerged a third: Philip Weaver, M&T Class of 2020. “Superday?” he said. “I’m twenty shots in, high on PCP, and I just cut off my left hand. And I'm meeting my parents for dinner in 30 minutes." A wave of silence fell over the pregame. All party-goers went to their knees and bowed to their new ruler, a one-handed master of the work-hard, play-hard mentality.

The next day, Evans scored a C- on his exam, Franklin threw up on a recruiter, and Weaver's parents withdrew him from school.