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Study: The Musical Theater Kid On Your Hall Who Breaks Into Song All The Time Fucking Sucks


Photofrom Pxhere / CC0

In a landmark study, Penn researchers have determined that your neighbor from freshman year who spontaneously erupted with selections from Les Miserables and Fiddler sucks.

Melissa Krone, Horace Wekselblatt Professor of Psychology, was lead researcher on the study. “We subjected your freshman hallmate to rigorous experiments over the course of several years,” she said. “We had her sing various numbers from many musicals in a wide variety of social settings. It was clear beyond a shadow of doubt that she is insufferable. We were able to scientifically declare that she fucking sucks.”

Jack Pritchett (C ’20) was a compensated participant in the study. “It was fascinating to be a part of the experiment,” Pritchett said. “They would have me make normal conversation with your hallmate and simulated living next to her. And she would always start singing musical theater songs.”

Pritchett himself was puzzled by the phenomenon. “The whole time, I was thinking ‘Why the fuck are you singing right now?’ I’m just trying to eat lunch,” he said.

The finding confirms a suspicion Krone has long held. “For years, people have instinctually understood that musical theater nerds fucking suck,” she said. “Now we have the findings to prove it.”

Krone believes the finding will cause major changes in the way we interact with musical theater people. “Musical theater kids get made fun of a lot and they think that’s unfair,” she said. “But now, we have the science to prove they deserve it.”