OP-ED: Fuck the Police, but If Your Party Gets Too Loud, I’m Calling the Cops

4313345477_d37a011c0c_o

Photo by Police_Mad_Liam / CC BY 2.0

Let’s get one thing straight: Police are the worst thing that have ever happened to society. They are obsolete, and if The Purge has taught me anything, it’s that a life without the police would gross $477 million dollars and lead to a hit spinoff on a major network. That said, if your party doesn’t turn down its damn music, I will call the cops on you.

I may be powerless to stop you from blasting EDM at 2 a.m., but we have a public army of guards who will make sure that no innocent civilian is ever subjected to your Diplo remix of a song way more popular than the original. Without these guardians of the public well-being, loud music would be blasting in the streets, 24/7, everywhere across America. But also, we need to get rid of them entirely.

So, keep your music a safe four notches below full volume or you will be forced to interact with a law officer while completely smashed. Unless you’re playing "Mr. Brightside," in which case, crank that shit. It’s still a jam.

PSA: Mr. Brightside is not obsolete.

PennConnects