Junior With 2.6 GPA Wonders If New Haircut Costing Her Opportunities At Career Fair

Around 6:30 p.m. last Friday, Sally May (C ‘20) was spotted walking from the University City Sheraton Hotel back to her dorm in the high rises, sporting a tasteful, slightly longer than shoulder-length bob, a well-tailored black pantsuit, and the distinct look of having failed to impress a single recruiter.

“I’m, like, super confused,” she was overheard saying to a friend, “I don’t even know what recruiters want anymore. It’s like all 87 hours I spent looking at haircuts online instead of doing problem sets didn’t even count for anything.”

Sources were able to obtain a copy of her resume, which listed such accomplishments as “GPA: 2.6, proficiency in Microsoft Office, and negotiation.” 

Meanwhile, May appeared to grow more frustrated with an “uncaring, impersonal, nepotistic, delusional, and toxic industry.” 

“What more could recruiters be looking for than a mature yet flattering, professional yet chic, striking yet inoffensive long bob? Should I have gone with a bun instead?” May asked. “What’s good enough for Amy Gutmann should be good enough for Goldman. Or Morgan Stanley, at the very least.”

At press time, May was reportedly considering the recruitment benefits of getting bangs.