A recent study conducted by the Penn Sociology Department found that, despite Penn boasting an undergraduate population of just over 10,000, only 97 students reported feeling any sense of self-esteem in the 2018 calendar year.

It is a shape that inspires confidence, strength, and power. I am certain that the external design of the building reflects accurately the people within.

“I just sometimes feel like I was admitted by mistake,” Jones explained. “Not just ‘sometimes,’ actually. I regularly feel that way."

Caught between a turnstile refusing to read his PennCard and the continuous shuffling of students in the midst of finals, Samuelson found himself briefly — but blissfully — pressed up against the softness of the Canada Goose jacket worn by the second person in line. 

In a surprising turn towards environmentalism, University officials announced last Wednesday that the iconic red "tampons" sculpture, which lives by the high rises, would be replaced by a monument to menstrual cups. 

The Fisher Fine Arts Library prides itself on being “one of the few quiet study places on campus,” according to its website.

"It’s kind of refreshing that someone as accomplished as Samantha can feel the same sort of things as normal, regular folk like me."

Here are a couple ways you can still score a coveted dedication while paying off your student loans in this lifetime.

Her seemingly innocuous purchase, a peanut butter cookie and a small succulent, soon took a turn for the worse.

According to its website, the Honor Council “is an undergraduate student body that promotes academic integrity and honorable conduct in the Penn community.” According to an eyewitness, however, the Honor Council “resembled a clan of hyenas, closely tracking the trail of an abandoned, limping gazelle fawn.”

“My girlfriend,” Jones confided, “really needs to talk to me about something. I love hearing what she has to say!”

“Just walking through the gym doors has been a PR, so I’m satisfied,” he said, between puffs of oxygen.

Jacob Smith, a junior studying economics in the College, may not strike you immediately as someone who fulfilled his language requirement with Mandarin.

Last Thursday morning started out normally for Kevin Brown (C ‘20).

Fans of local stand up comedian Zachary Smith witnessed a milestone event in his career last Saturday, during his eighth solo set.

Sally May (C ‘20) was spotted walking from the University City Sheraton Hotel back to her dorm in the high rises, sporting a tasteful, slightly longer than shoulder-length bob, a well-tailored black pantsuit, and the distinct look of having failed to impress a single recruiter.

In a historical first since 0 B.C., the Lord God, Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name, made an appearance on Earth, descending from His exalted throne and parting the pollution above the Schuylkill to announce that He would be withdrawing from CIS 160 following last Thursday’s midterm.

Shocking the lecture hall and flouting academic precedent, Prof. Harold Ash of the Chemistry department revealed that the curve in his Chem 102 class was set for nothing more than “the drama,” despite information to the contrary on the syllabus.