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Belinda Liu


Penn Sociology Finds That Only 1% of the Student Population Hoards 90% of Campus Self Esteem

A recent study conducted by the Penn Sociology Department found that, despite Penn boasting an undergraduate population of just over 10,000, only 97 students reported feeling any sense of self-esteem in the 2018 calendar year.

Huntsman Hall’s Chode-Like Appearance ‘Not Entirely Incidental,’ Admits Architect

It is a shape that inspires confidence, strength, and power. I am certain that the external design of the building reflects accurately the people within.

College Senior Still Harbors Suspicion That She Was Admitted to Penn by Accident

“I just sometimes feel like I was admitted by mistake,” Jones explained. “Not just ‘sometimes,’ actually. I regularly feel that way."

Student Getting Spooned in Van Pelt Turnstile Experiencing First Human Touch in Weeks

Caught between a turnstile refusing to read his PennCard and the continuous shuffling of students in the midst of finals, Samuelson found himself briefly — but blissfully — pressed up against the softness of the Canada Goose jacket worn by the second person in line. 

Environmentalism Win! Penn to Replace Iconic Tampons Sculpture With Monument of Menstrual Cup

In a surprising turn towards environmentalism, University officials announced last Wednesday that the iconic red "tampons" sculpture, which lives by the high rises, would be replaced by a monument to menstrual cups. 

ASL Study Group Removed From Fisher Fine Arts for Disturbing the Peace

The Fisher Fine Arts Library prides itself on being “one of the few quiet study places on campus,” according to its website.

Overachieving Friend Somehow Better at Self-Loathing Too

"It’s kind of refreshing that someone as accomplished as Samantha can feel the same sort of things as normal, regular folk like me."

Can’t Afford a Whole Building? Other Places to Score a Dedication, by Dollar Amount

Here are a couple ways you can still score a coveted dedication while paying off your student loans in this lifetime.

BREAKING: Freshman Buys One Plant and Starts Referring to Her Dorm as a 'Space'

Her seemingly innocuous purchase, a peanut butter cookie and a small succulent, soon took a turn for the worse.

University Honor Council Spotted Stalking Terrified CIS Freshman Like Sharks Circling a Wounded Tuna

According to its website, the Honor Council “is an undergraduate student body that promotes academic integrity and honorable conduct in the Penn community.” According to an eyewitness, however, the Honor Council “resembled a clan of hyenas, closely tracking the trail of an abandoned, limping gazelle fawn.”

Freshman in Long-Distance Relationship Excited to Hear What Girlfriend 'Really Needs to Talk to Him About' Over Thanksgiving Break

“My girlfriend,” Jones confided, “really needs to talk to me about something. I love hearing what she has to say!”

Student MERTed From Pottruck After Too-Strenuous Walk Up to Second Floor

“Just walking through the gym doors has been a PR, so I’m satisfied,” he said, between puffs of oxygen.

College Junior Fluent in Mandarin After Incredible, Immersive Year in Domus

Jacob Smith, a junior studying economics in the College, may not strike you immediately as someone who fulfilled his language requirement with Mandarin.

Up and Coming Stand-Up Comedian Masters Standing, Ready to Start Writing Jokes Any Day Now

Fans of local stand up comedian Zachary Smith witnessed a milestone event in his career last Saturday, during his eighth solo set.

Junior With 2.6 GPA Wonders If New Haircut Costing Her Opportunities At Career Fair

Sally May (C ‘20) was spotted walking from the University City Sheraton Hotel back to her dorm in the high rises, sporting a tasteful, slightly longer than shoulder-length bob, a well-tailored black pantsuit, and the distinct look of having failed to impress a single recruiter.

God Himself Withdraws From CIS 160

In a historical first since 0 B.C., the Lord God, Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name, made an appearance on Earth, descending from His exalted throne and parting the pollution above the Schuylkill to announce that He would be withdrawing from CIS 160 following last Thursday’s midterm.

Professor Admits to Setting Curve Just for 'The Drama'

Shocking the lecture hall and flouting academic precedent, Prof. Harold Ash of the Chemistry department revealed that the curve in his Chem 102 class was set for nothing more than “the drama,” despite information to the contrary on the syllabus.