Report: Freshman Hallucinates After Eating Shrubs Along Locust

Most people are thankful that a Penn intern recently mapped edible shrubs along Locust. Not Jason Lee (C ’22), though. 

In an unexpected turn of events, the pre-med freshman was seen stumbling near the Quad with a stupefied look on his face. 

“I honestly thought it was just another confused freshman not knowing where his next class was. I wish I had intervened,” Sarah Letterman (C ’19) told us.

Lee had consumed mushrooms and other shrubs near the Compass.

“When I first saw the map, I thought it was a blessing. I was trying to save on those dining swipes, you know. A second later, I teleported to Commons,” Lee explained.

There is one thing we can all agree on after this incident—someone should map all the edible dining halls on Penn’s campus first.