"I remember asking a question about a homework problem, and a gentleman replied by asking me 'What does it mean to know?'"

After weeks of non-stop recruiting and programming assignments, the NETS major decided he needed to take a W.

For some reason, the Mexican international just can’t do it, even though he gets pestered by the same, perpetually-smiling guy on Locust every day.

Ever stared into someone’s soul while the elevator doors are closing?

Much to the ire of juniors in the room—people who actually needed internships—Teddy Cable (W ’22) let recruiters know exactly what he wanted at a recent fair.

Most people are thankful that a Penn intern recently mapped edible shrubs along Locust. Not Jason Lee (C ’22), though. In an unexpected turn of events, the pre-med freshman was seen stumbling near the Quad with a stupefied look on his face. 

Tyler Stones (C ’21) has missed every single 9 a.m. class this semester. It’s not for the reasons you might think, though.

“I never knew that someone could be robbed of that much time.” Daniel Garza (E ’21) noted as he drifted onto Locust Walk in his suit and tie. He looked broken and beaten—exactly what the Blockchain Consulting Group wanted.

Despite not uttering a single word for hours, Del Rosario was channeling his inner Jordan, hitting countless fadeaways on individuals many feet taller than him.

Kevin Jeffress (E ’22) was off to a hot start at Penn. He had a seamless move-in experience, an unforgettable NSO, and managed to go to Pottruck every single morning for close to a month. Everything changed, however, the moment Jeffress stepped on the Compass en route to the Upper Quad Gate. Six hours later, he fell victim to a Math 114 midterm. 

Nick Menon (E ’21) was taking his daily stroll to DRL for an engineering lecture when he saw a large congregation of protesters near College Green. “I just saw a lot of people yelling for no apparent reason. A minute later, I got berated for supporting women’s rights and vaccination, and somebody told me that Dean Furda was the third Antichrist.”

“I thought when I told the world 2 years in advance that I would be an Investment Banking Summer Analyst at Goldman Sachs, no one could be bolder. But this, this is bold.”

Of course all of this happened while his over-achieving peer in the College, Christian Roberts (C ’19), maintained his pristine academic performance.

“Sanjay, I’ve never despised a person more than you in my entire time at Penn," he began. "Remember when you tried to transfer to Wharton after freshman year and failed miserably? What was your GPA again—like 3.85? Idiot!”the truth hurts.

Marc Ross (W ’19) is tired of getting deceived. After failing to reconnect with a friend from Quaker Days, his plan for next year's living situation was in shambles.

Saturdays may be for the boys, but Fridays are for FNCE100 Professor Joe Harris’ office hours.

What people think of him matters a lot more, however, and that’s why he's willing to take the risk.

Recruiting season continues to get pushed earlier and earlier, and nobody is safe. Not even baby Quakers.

The topic of conversation has yet to be decided, and there is criticism as to how cohesive the talk will be, but event organizer Charles Johnson (W ’19) was quick to explain his reasoning with the choices.

Reynolds has taken the 76ers’ path success a bit too seriously. He intends to tank all of his finals in a few weeks. Haters will say it’s because Reynolds is incompetent, but he told us otherwise.