BREAKING: Piazza Response Not Entirely Passive Aggressive
"I remember asking a question about a homework problem, and a gentleman replied by asking me 'What does it mean to know?'"
Karman Cheema
How Could He?! This International Student Still Hasn’t Registered to Vote
For some reason, the Mexican international just can’t do it, even though he gets pestered by the same, perpetually-smiling guy on Locust every day.
BREAKING: Piazza Response Not Entirely Passive Aggressive
"I remember asking a question about a homework problem, and a gentleman replied by asking me 'What does it mean to know?'"
Amazing: Senior Just Took a Major W on Transcript
After weeks of non-stop recruiting and programming assignments, the NETS major decided he needed to take a W.
How Could He?! This International Student Still Hasn’t Registered to Vote
For some reason, the Mexican international just can’t do it, even though he gets pestered by the same, perpetually-smiling guy on Locust every day.
Junior Who Stared Down Group as Harnwell Elevators Closed Actually a Nice Guy
Ever stared into someone’s soul while the elevator doors are closing?
Freshman at Career Fair Wants to Work for The Goldman Sachs
Much to the ire of juniors in the room—people who actually needed internships—Teddy Cable (W ’22) let recruiters know exactly what he wanted at a recent fair.
Report: Freshman Hallucinates After Eating Shrubs Along Locust
Most people are thankful that a Penn intern recently mapped edible shrubs along Locust. Not Jason Lee (C ’22), though. In an unexpected turn of events, the pre-med freshman was seen stumbling near the Quad with a stupefied look on his face.
Guy Who Skipped All His 9AMs Was Actually Extremely Sick
Tyler Stones (C ’21) has missed every single 9 a.m. class this semester. It’s not for the reasons you might think, though.
Sophomore Rejected From Club After Grueling Superday
“I never knew that someone could be robbed of that much time.” Daniel Garza (E ’21) noted as he drifted onto Locust Walk in his suit and tie. He looked broken and beaten—exactly what the Blockchain Consulting Group wanted.
Second Coming of Jordan at Pottruck is 45-Year Old Master’s Student from the Philippines
Despite not uttering a single word for hours, Del Rosario was channeling his inner Jordan, hitting countless fadeaways on individuals many feet taller than him.
Holy Shit! Freshman Stepped on Compass, Got Wrecked by Midterm
Kevin Jeffress (E ’22) was off to a hot start at Penn. He had a seamless move-in experience, an unforgettable NSO, and managed to go to Pottruck every single morning for close to a month. Everything changed, however, the moment Jeffress stepped on the Compass en route to the Upper Quad Gate. Six hours later, he fell victim to a Math 114 midterm.
Sophomore Banished to Hell by Protester Was Already in Electrical Engineering
Nick Menon (E ’21) was taking his daily stroll to DRL for an engineering lecture when he saw a large congregation of protesters near College Green. “I just saw a lot of people yelling for no apparent reason. A minute later, I got berated for supporting women’s rights and vaccination, and somebody told me that Dean Furda was the third Antichrist.”
Woah! Andrew Is an Incoming Finance Concentrator at The Wharton School
“I thought when I told the world 2 years in advance that I would be an Investment Banking Summer Analyst at Goldman Sachs, no one could be bolder. But this, this is bold.”
Greatest Student of All-Time Crushes Final After Mediocre Midterms
Of course all of this happened while his over-achieving peer in the College, Christian Roberts (C ’19), maintained his pristine academic performance.
Group Member Roasting Senior at Arts Show Actually Meant It
“Sanjay, I’ve never despised a person more than you in my entire time at Penn," he began. "Remember when you tried to transfer to Wharton after freshman year and failed miserably? What was your GPA again—like 3.85? Idiot!”the truth hurts.
Junior Promised Paradise at Hamilton Court Gets Stuck in Construction Site Instead
Marc Ross (W ’19) is tired of getting deceived. After failing to reconnect with a friend from Quaker Days, his plan for next year's living situation was in shambles.
Meet the Degenerate Who Pre-gamed His Professor's Office Hours
Saturdays may be for the boys, but Fridays are for FNCE100 Professor Joe Harris’ office hours.
Sophomore Skips Class to Avoid Being Cold-Called
What people think of him matters a lot more, however, and that’s why he's willing to take the risk.
Class of 2022 to Begin Recruiting for Summer 2020 During Quaker Days
Recruiting season continues to get pushed earlier and earlier, and nobody is safe. Not even baby Quakers.
Amy Gutmann To Have Campus Conversation with Tyga, IceJJFish, Carly Rae Jepsen, and the All-American Rejects
The topic of conversation has yet to be decided, and there is criticism as to how cohesive the talk will be, but event organizer Charles Johnson (W ’19) was quick to explain his reasoning with the choices.
'Trust the Process,' Yells Sixers Fan Planning to Tank All Finals
Reynolds has taken the 76ers’ path success a bit too seriously. He intends to tank all of his finals in a few weeks. Haters will say it’s because Reynolds is incompetent, but he told us otherwise.
