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OP-ED: Hi, I'm in Penn Dems and if You Don't Register to Vote I Will Literally Kidnap Your Grandma

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Photo from pxhere / CC0

Hi! I'm a member of Penn Dems.

Have you registered to vote?

No? Oh, no worries, haha. It just happens to be the most important thing that you could ever possibly imagine doing. No biggie though!

Okay, being serious now, you really should register to vote this election cycle. I'm not kidding about this. Think about the children, the poverty, the human rights, the freedom! It's your God-given right to go to the polls in November and cast your ballot. Much like it's my right to stand here and harass—I mean encourage—you to vote!

Oh, you're still not buying this? Okay, just give me one more chance. I swear I'll convince you now. TRUMP! There it is. I said it. Oh, you didn't see that coming, did you? I just pulled out the Big T-word out like it was nothing. Wait, I feel another one coming... KAVANAUGH! Wow, I'm on a roll here. Are you convinced now? Well you better be, because I just shook this conversation like your vote could shake the entire election cycle!

Still no? Alright, listen here, bud. I know where your grandma lives—I've canvassed at her house like ten times over the past week. I've seen her stumbling along with that walker and I swear to GOD if you don't register right now I'll go over there and snatch her up and hide her somewhere. Do I look like I'm bluffing? I may joke about a lot of things, but kidnapping is not one of them. So get your nonpartisan ass over here and fill out this registration form or Nana is gonna be in for a nice surprise tomorrow.