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Sophomore Seriously Regretting Decision to Purchase Bulk Order of Soylent


Photos by pxhere / CC0; Rosa Labs / CC0 (with edits)

Rafael Bowden (C ’20), allured by Soylent’s promise to deliver a delicious meal on-the-go, is now regretting his decision to purchase ten cases of strawberry-flavored Soylent, a quantity equivalent to 120 bottles.

“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” Bowden said, mouth caked with pink residue. “Things just got a little out of hand.”

Bowden, a CBE and premed student, figured that Soylent would help him stay nourished enough to trudge through his hellish course load. While the new diet was effective for the first few days, Bowden quickly reconsidered after he realized he just didn’t enjoy consuming it anymore.

“At first I was like, ‘Wow! Drinking this makes me feel like I’m a background character in The Jetsons!’” Bowden reminisced, bottle clutched in hand. “Now, every sip I take of this asshole kombucha reminds me that, one day, I too shall die.”

Unable to go out with his friends to eat at dining halls and restaurants, Bowden can typically be found feeding in his single room dorm, downing bottles upon bottles of premium strawberry vomit juice.

“I crave solids in my mouth,” Bowden muttered in-between sips. “I crave solids in my mouth.”

When pleaded by his friends to just throw out the Soylent, Bowden responded with a simple “I can’t stop now; I’ve come too far to lose it all. Plus, I’ve already spent all of my cash on this chalk-flavored crap.”

Losing friends faster than the money from his bank account, Bowden has since turned to the internet to find a new product that could kick his Soylent habit.

“You know what? I’m done with Soylent,” Bowden proclaimed, clicking “Add to Cart” with a smug grin. “Huel is the new future of food.”