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Ian Ong


Articles

Life is Too Short to Be Sad: Here’s How to Be Downright Miserable

We are but mere mortals in the grand scheme of things, so why waste your time on this earth feeling sad? Here’s how to feel downright miserable instead.


OP-ED: All Lectures Should Be Asynchronous and Our Eyes Should Be Replaced with Cybernetic Implants

Do we want to be left in the dust when the colossal machine that is globalization sweeps by? Or do we want to gouge out our eyeballs, excavate all of the vitreous humor, and insert spherical seeing devices designed by our top scientists and engineers into the gaps?


Meet the Penn Students Who Ghostwrite All of My Articles

We’re the Penn students who ghostwrite all of Ian’s articles Yeah Yeah Hehe It’s not easy work but he pays us in exposure Speak for yourself muchacho Hehe Guys! Shut up! For Pete’s sake! Let her speak!


Screw It: University to Convert Harnwell into New SeaWorld Location

“Screw it, release the dolphins,” Director of Residential Services Justin Hopper muttered, staring at the water leaking out the windows on the 22nd floor.


Philly Ranked #1 City for Metallic Clanking and Grinding Noises at 3 A.M.

“It’s about time!” Penn student Robbie Davis (C ‘22) yelled with jubilation. “Now, can we do something about this? It’s having an adverse effect on my sleep hygiene and severely impacting my overall mood, well-being, and productivity.”


Uh Oh: Increasing Number of Student Essays Include the Phrase “All Work and No Play Makes Jack a Dull Boy”

“We’ve got essays coming in with that phrase written over and over again, sometimes overlapping on top of each other, sometimes with all the letters scrambled up and strung haphazardly across the page,” English professor Kent Poulin said with a bewildered look. “Wait a minute, since when do you guys use typewriters?”


Beyond Anarchy: Sophomore Sips Water 20 Minutes Before COVID-19 Test

The motive behind this borderline criminal activity has yet to be uncovered. Was this a lone act of defiance against the system?


Oh Shit: Other People Can See These?

Like, you guys can see this stuff, like what I’m writing right now? Hm? My articles have been publicly viewable this whole time? Oh… that explains a lot.


Student Awakes from “Quick 20-minute Nap” In Time to Witness Heat Death of Universe

“At first, I was panicking because I thought I had missed anthropology recitation,” Wright related, rubbing his eyes. “But then I saw the remnants of existence decaying around me, and I knew that I had bigger problems to deal with.”


Annoying! Free Club Flyer Also Has Water Bottle Attached

Listen: no matter how many interesting club flyers with compelling graphics and acerbic, forward-thinking puns you hand me, you will never convince me to take your filthy water bottles. 


Quiz: What's Your REAL Major?

So, you think you've got it all figured out. Think again, punk! Take this quirky quiz from Under the Button and find out your REAL major.


Don't Know What I Expected: Beka’s Chemistry Café Served Me 1M HCl

In retrospect, it was obvious from the name that something bad was bound to happen.


OP-ED: Van Pelt Bag Checks are Proof We are All Trapped in Foucault's Panopticon

Foucault conceptualized the panopticon as a way for those in power to use technology to control the flow of information in society, a calculated, intricate apparatus embedded in the very logic of social structure and function. 


Get Over Yourself: Student Really Using Umbrella in Scanty Drizzle

Eyewitnesses say that there was no way, given the minimal amount of moisture in the atmosphere, that he actually needed to parade his umbrella around for the world to see.


Postmodern Condition: I Keep Showing Up to Class Even Though it’s Fucking Boring

Society has truly robbed us of the simple pleasures in life.


OP-ED: Don't Mind Me, I'm Just Trying to See What You're Writing on iMessage

Yeah… just tilt your screen down a little bit more… sweet Jebediah, that’s the ticket.


Finally! Penn Dedicates Unimaginable Sums of Money to Some Ill-defined, Abstract Goal

 “We have a lot of money, and we will use it,” Director of Money Julia Stevenson proclaimed in her statement.


Woah! Guy Wearing Shirt with Garish, Unique Pattern

An abstract take on polkadot? A paisley messiah?


PSA: Don't Leave Your Bag Unattended. I'm Rifling Through it Right Now.

I’m just an everyday guy trying to promote theft awareness on campus.


Engineer Uses 4-in-1 Wash Every 1-in-4 Days

“It’s all a matter of efficiency,” Finnegan explained. “Why would you do something if it’s not efficient?”


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