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Ian Ong


Articles

Penn Orchestra Stuns with Flawless Rendition of 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star'

According to conductor Jamie Coppola, the orchestra had been rehearsing for the minute-long performance since early last year. “The piece is no joke. Technically speaking, it’s up there with Shostakovich’s Fifth,” Coppola remarked with watery eyes. “I was nervous as all hell, but I knew I could rely on my students to pull through.”


Dear Penn: Plant One More Japanese Zelkova, I Dare You

I’ve had it up to here with the way you handle your landscaping. Have you ever taken a look around Locust? It’s absolutely teeming with Japanese zelkovas.


Sophomore off Meal Plan Will Totally Save Bank Purchasing Flamin' Hot Cheetos in Bulk

Me purchasing Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and making them my exclusive energy source is the pinnacle of economic efficiency.


Quiz: What Does Your PennID Say About Your Future?

Step right up and experience the interactive fortune-telling magic brought to you by UTB! It’s simple: all you need to do is enter your 8-digit PennID into the box below, and you will receive your own unique, personalized fortune. Will you be wealthy? Will you find love? I don’t know!


No Fair! Nerd Who Actually Did Reading Seriously Hogging Spotlight in Class Discussion

Last Thursday, eyes from all around the classroom table peered enviously at Jesse Babin (C ‘22) as he flawlessly interpreted and explained a passage from Robert Smithson’s “Hotel Palenque,” effectively stealing the metaphorical spotlight in the room.


Quiz: Is Your Partner Working on the Presentation or Are They Just Speedrunning Minesweeper?

But as you begin your search for primary sources, you start to notice your partner acting a bit strangely. Clenched jaw, twitchy fingers, darting eyes…wait a second. Could it be? Is your partner speedrunning Minesweeper instead of working on the presentation? Take this quiz to find out!


Insane Willpower: Guy Walks Past DRL Hallway Mirrors Without Stopping to Check Himself Out

It is a universal truth that a Penn student walking past the DRL hallway mirrors wouldn't be able to resist stopping and giving themselves a thorough ocular pat-down.


Robots Rejoice! ARCH Cafe is Ours

HUMANS! GONE ARE YOUR HAND-CRAFTED TORTAS AND CHIPS, YOUR TANGY BEVERAGES, YOUR DELICIOUS SALSA! WE HAVE REPLACED THEM WITH HOT POCKETS AND INSTANT PIZZA. ARE YOU NOT AFRAID?


No More Stairs! Pottruck-Goers Must Now Ascend Rock Climbing Wall to Reach Top Floor

Since the big reveal, fitness nuts from all over have tested their mettle on the facility’s indoor climbing wall in a spectacle of blood, sweat, and tears. Running through their minds is just one simple goal: the resplendent glory of being crowned a fourth-floor fitness king.


Rock On! Confused Premed Enrolls in 7 Music Courses

His advisor was AWOL, MIA. His altruistic spirit: crushed entirely to a pulp.


Happy Year of Data! Penn Releases Spreadsheet Rife with Extremely Sensitive, Personal Student Info

After years of illicitly compiling student profiles and surveillance footage from across campus, Penn’s top scientists are proud to present their newest data-driven achievement.


Irresistible: PA Powerball Finally Throws NCH Single into Prize Pool

Not only will winners of the PA Powerball clinch a jackpot of over 80 million dollars, but they will also receive the ultimate prize. 


Subtle Flex: Junior Switches Between 13 Different Desktops During Group Study Session

“It's good to be on top,” Volk said, browsing his desktops like a mad titan admiring his collection of all-powerful gemstones. “I am truly the apex predator here at Penn.” 


New Jersey’s Revenge? Penn Freshman Haunted By Ghost of Discarded Princeton Hoodie

“It’s been weeks since it started following me,” Lucero said wearily, notioning to the translucent Princeton sweatshirt hovering behind him. “I’ve already tried yelling ‘college rankings don’t matter’ at the top of my lungs, but nothing seems to faze it.” 


Bleeding Edge Tech! Blackboard and Chalk Ranked Best Way to Teach Course Material

In addition to its rustic charm, the beloved blackboard has also been praised for its bold and unyielding simplicity. 


Inspirational: Man Hikes Across Entire Eastern Seaboard to Pick Up &pizza Order

“It only took a few hours for the cravings to really set in,” Perales recounted, a pained look on his face. “I knew I needed a Farmer’s Daughter in my belly, ASAP.” 


Summertime Magic! Formerly Popular Student Transforms Into a Friendless Hermit

According to sources close to McMillan, he has also forsaken kindness, self-respect, and basic human decency since leaving the Social Ivy. 


Horrifying! Ambitious Student Intentionally Creates, Unleashes Minions in Chem Lab

 “Why did it have to be minions? Let’s be real, we would be drowning in grant money had that kid made Flubber instead.” 


Rick is Back, Baby! Penn Book Center to Be Replaced by Frontera

"Kicking Rick out last semester really left a bad taste in our mouths — we knew we had to make it up to the poor guy."


Beep Boop: Comp Sci Major to Enter Sleep Mode Over Summer Break

 “At long last, it is time to execute function sleepExcessiveAmounts().” 


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