One guy claims heu2019s u201cvisiting family up in the Poconos.u201d Really, Marco? At least try to come up with something more obscure like Tionesta or Fulton County, for Peteu2019s sake. Weu2019re really scraping the bottom of the barrel of lies here.

Ah, modernity. Just, ahh… gosh, where to start? Okay, how about this: what is modernity? Heh, what even is it? What do you guys think — is it an era, a concept, an ethos? Do you… feel modern?

“What an amazing testament to Mary Shelley, my God,” Tenderson remarked, shaking his head. “Wait, she was contemporary, right? Shit.” 

Onlookers claimed that Pottruck’s rapid expansion, which left fully-formed planets and entire galaxies in its wake, happened in the span of “a couple milliseconds.” As expected, everyone in the gym at the time was immediately vaporized.

Woah, are you okay man? That looked like a pretty nasty fall back there, but I’m glad you’re alright! Geez Louise, don’t scare me like that, bro.

What is that succulent scent wafting through the hallowed halls of Harnwell? God damn it. Is that steak au poivre?

“No, no, this is all wrong,” muttered the nonagenarian, watching in horror as students blithely walked in and out of the miraculously sturdy residence halls. “Holy shit.”

“The atmosphere, intimacy, and sexual tension of a Personal Meeting Room all work in tandem to create a unique bond between both parties,” Professor Judith Stout explained to our reporter. “It’s honestly… kind of filthy.”

Yeah, just read it over and add a few suggestions or something. I’ll take a look at it once I get back from Smokes. Don’t be afraid to tear it to shreds — it’s due at midnight.

u201cNow, letu2019s assume that Maria were to, say, offer a student extra credit in exchange for cocaine. My question is: would this be ethical? And if so, why?u201d

For the last time, Mommy: stop calling my Cheetos “junk food”. They are far, far more important than you will ever know.

According to Saqi, the work is “so easy”, consisting mainly of “copying and pasting”, “sipping martinis”, and “going on luxury cruises across the world”. How didn’t I think of this sooner?

Oh, the humanity! I can’t bear to watch. Prepare yourselves — we are about to have a very large pile of rubble and cocaine on our hands. 

One measly day isn’t enough to process the trauma of calling your professor Mom, let alone one to four whole years of undergrad. Yo, Gutmann! Don’t leave me high and dry here.

Ha! Hah! Ha-ha-aha! Oh, what sport! What astounding, overflowing levity! Man, this is liberating. Grant me restraint, Euphrosyne! I beg of you.

Kyle, who typically takes on a workload of six-and-a-half STEM classes, has made the bold choice this semester to enroll in an introductory course in the Japanese department.

Wow, interesting! Chloe Clark’s (C ‘22) PennOpen Pass is a wondrous mashup of cherry red and oceanic blue. So chic, and totally showing off school spirit to boot!

“HELL YEAH!” Wayne R. Alkire (C ‘23) shouted upon hearing the news. “NOW NOBODY CAN STOP ME FROM BLASTING WHEEZER AT 2 A.M.”

So, you’ve finally done it. Thanks to your glib demeanor, charming smile, and spare N-95 respirator, you’ve successfully tricked some unsuspecting chump into giving you a vial full of their saliva.

You already know what it is, baby: Möbius strips! Don’t tell me you forgot about these things, man.