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Ian Ong


Articles

Sobbing, Demoralized UTB Writer Realizes No Stereotype Broad Enough to Apply to All CAS Students

“Haha, students in the College, am I right? Now, let’s see…” Trinkle muttered to himself, attempting to come up with a headline. “Uhhh… hm. Oh. Oh no.”


BREAKING: UTB Has Gun to My Head, Will Pull Trigger If I Stop Writing

UPDATE: sources are saying that I am totally safe, and that I am NOT continuing to write this article under duress of any sort. Please disregard the erroneous headline!


Crazy: Only People Who Finished Their Assigned Readings Can View This Article

Have you finished all of your assigned readings? Find out today by attempting to view this interactive article!


Anonymous Poet Wins Professor of the Year Award

“Who is he?” queried Angelica Simons, eyes glimmering with infatuation. “I… need to meet him, he’s done so much for me, and his replies are so… captivating.”


Blast From the Past: Here Are Four Genuine Smiles From People Who Are Intrinsically Satisfied with Life

Wowza! Does anyone else remember this? Without further ado, here are four bonafide smiles from people who are free from the crushing despair of our modern era! 


His Duty Fulfilled, Alex from Penn Dems Re-enters Hibernatory Cryo-Chamber

Through the power of modern technology, the cold-caller's heart rate has been successfully slowed to a pace slower than that of the Nevada vote count.










Choose Your Own Adventure: Can You Make it to the Band Room with Enough Time Left To Cry and Listen to ‘How to Save A Life’ by The Fray?

The year is 2016, and it’s another crummy day at Glendale High School. You’ve just finished a nourishing plate of hash browns and pizza, so you put your tray up and get ready for 6th period. But just as you make your way to the cafeteria exit, something happens that would irreversibly change the course of your school day.





Seven Horrible Things About Campus That Will Make You Stop Missing It

Do you long to feel the playful Philadelphian wind on your luscious locks as you walk down Locust? Despair no more, my friend! Here are seven utterly horrible things about campus that will finally make you stop missing it so badly.


"Now's My Chance": Rick Bayless Sneaks Back Onto Campus While Everyone's Distracted

"I saw him near the Radian sitting in a bush and shoveling homemade guacamole into his mouth using his hands,” Joseph Joeford (C '22) recalled from his morning walk. “He probably thought nobody could see him, but we all could."


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