Under the Button is part of a student-run nonprofit.

Please support us by disabling your ad blocker on our site.

Ian Ong


Articles

My Outstretched, Personable Hand to Begin Accepting Dining Dollars

Just think of all the food that I will be able to enjoy. Margherita pizzas. Premium bento boxes. Whatever they sell at 34th Street Carvery. Your generous donation of dining dollars will make all the difference.


Oh Fuck: Kitchen Steam Headed Straight for Fucking Smoke Detector Fuckfuckfuckfuck

Wait, hold up. No way. Are you fucking kidding me right now? Smoke? I just wanted to fry up a late-night dish, and this is what I get? Oh shit oh fuck that’s a lot of steam


Desire to Do Work Overpowered by 15th Sorting Algorithm Video of Night

“Merge sort is the most satisfying thing I’ve ever seen."


OP-ED: If You Have Your ExtraCare Card, Please Scan It Now

Swipe or insert card and follow instructions on pinpad.


Declan Fibonacci Brings Golden Ratio to Party

Fibonacci produced streams of artichokes, pine cones, and broccoli, all of which began to pile up in front of the rickety frat house door.


Junior Convinced Grader Has Axe to Grind

There was simply no other explanation for scoring so abysmally. The gigantic “BAD” written across the bottom of the page? Done between self-satisfied sips of piña colada, Juarez figured.


Look Out! Lanky Guy Desperate to Sit Next to Friend in Lecture

“Oops, sorry about that,” Lowell said as his gangly, spider-like appendages knocked yet another MacBook onto the dusty auditorium carpet. Unfortunately, no amount of wincing or uncomfortable squeezing could halt Lowell’s pursuit of his classroom confidante. 


Cackling Professor Uses 'Bomb Countdown Online' to Time Midterm

“It’s kind of hard to apply Stokes’ Theorem when a piece of Wile E. Coyote’s arsenal is smoking and sputtering in front of your very eyes, you know?”


Driver Blaring Horn Just Wants to Wish You a Good Day

“I love college students. What better way to show my appreciation than to honk?”


Regrade Request: Here's Twenty Bucks ;)

How did that even get there? I don't have the slightest.


'I Can't Get Sick, Not Now' Says Already Sick Guy

He never leaves home without a surgical mask and latex gloves. He washes his hands with Germ-X, and showers with a liberal amount of Purell. In the morning, he doesn’t feel alive until he gets his line of Emergen-C in. He truly is a bastion of health


Eagle Scout Loses Entire Moral Compass After Freshman Year

"A scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent." These are the words Cody Gupta (C ‘22) swore to adhere to as he received his Eagle Scout rank that fateful day in 12th grade.


Quirky Gizmo on Roommate's Desk Looking Really Enticing

There it is, sitting on his desk. That thing.



Poor, Tattered Soul Bound to Commons Until She Eats Money's Worth

The cause of Nunez’s curse was the fact that nothing at 1920 Commons is technically edible. 


Penn Orchestra Stuns with Flawless Rendition of 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star'

According to conductor Jamie Coppola, the orchestra had been rehearsing for the minute-long performance since early last year. “The piece is no joke. Technically speaking, it’s up there with Shostakovich’s Fifth,” Coppola remarked with watery eyes. “I was nervous as all hell, but I knew I could rely on my students to pull through.”


Dear Penn: Plant One More Japanese Zelkova, I Dare You

I’ve had it up to here with the way you handle your landscaping. Have you ever taken a look around Locust? It’s absolutely teeming with Japanese zelkovas.


Sophomore off Meal Plan Will Totally Save Bank Purchasing Flamin' Hot Cheetos in Bulk

Me purchasing Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and making them my exclusive energy source is the pinnacle of economic efficiency.


Quiz: What Does Your PennID Say About Your Future?

Step right up and experience the interactive fortune-telling magic brought to you by UTB! It’s simple: all you need to do is enter your 8-digit PennID into the box below, and you will receive your own unique, personalized fortune. Will you be wealthy? Will you find love? I don’t know!


No Fair! Nerd Who Actually Did Reading Seriously Hogging Spotlight in Class Discussion

Last Thursday, eyes from all around the classroom table peered enviously at Jesse Babin (C ‘22) as he flawlessly interpreted and explained a passage from Robert Smithson’s “Hotel Palenque,” effectively stealing the metaphorical spotlight in the room.


PennConnects