We are but mere mortals in the grand scheme of things, so why waste your time on this earth feeling sad? Here’s how to feel downright miserable instead.

Do we want to be left in the dust when the colossal machine that is globalization sweeps by? Or do we want to gouge out our eyeballs, excavate all of the vitreous humor, and insert spherical seeing devices designed by our top scientists and engineers into the gaps?

We’re the Penn students who ghostwrite all of Ian’s articles Yeah Yeah Hehe It’s not easy work but he pays us in exposure Speak for yourself muchacho Hehe Guys! Shut up! For Pete’s sake! Let her speak!

“Screw it, release the dolphins,” Director of Residential Services Justin Hopper muttered, staring at the water leaking out the windows on the 22nd floor.

“It’s about time!” Penn student Robbie Davis (C ‘22) yelled with jubilation. “Now, can we do something about this? It’s having an adverse effect on my sleep hygiene and severely impacting my overall mood, well-being, and productivity.”

“We’ve got essays coming in with that phrase written over and over again, sometimes overlapping on top of each other, sometimes with all the letters scrambled up and strung haphazardly across the page,” English professor Kent Poulin said with a bewildered look. “Wait a minute, since when do you guys use typewriters?”

The motive behind this borderline criminal activity has yet to be uncovered. Was this a lone act of defiance against the system?

Like, you guys can see this stuff, like what I’m writing right now? Hm? My articles have been publicly viewable this whole time? Oh… that explains a lot.

“At first, I was panicking because I thought I had missed anthropology recitation,” Wright related, rubbing his eyes. “But then I saw the remnants of existence decaying around me, and I knew that I had bigger problems to deal with.”

Listen: no matter how many interesting club flyers with compelling graphics and acerbic, forward-thinking puns you hand me, you will never convince me to take your filthy water bottles. 

So, you think you've got it all figured out. Think again, punk! Take this quirky quiz from Under the Button and find out your REAL major.

In retrospect, it was obvious from the name that something bad was bound to happen.

Foucault conceptualized the panopticon as a way for those in power to use technology to control the flow of information in society, a calculated, intricate apparatus embedded in the very logic of social structure and function. 

Eyewitnesses say that there was no way, given the minimal amount of moisture in the atmosphere, that he actually needed to parade his umbrella around for the world to see.

Society has truly robbed us of the simple pleasures in life.

Yeah… just tilt your screen down a little bit more… sweet Jebediah, that’s the ticket.

 “We have a lot of money, and we will use it,” Director of Money Julia Stevenson proclaimed in her statement.

An abstract take on polkadot? A paisley messiah?

I’m just an everyday guy trying to promote theft awareness on campus.

“It’s all a matter of efficiency,” Finnegan explained. “Why would you do something if it’s not efficient?”