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Ian Ong


Articles

Engineer Uses 4-in-1 Wash Every 1-in-4 Days

“It’s all a matter of efficiency,” Finnegan explained. “Why would you do something if it’s not efficient?”


Student Awakes from “Quick 20-minute Nap” In Time to Witness Heat Death of Universe

“At first, I was panicking because I thought I had missed anthropology recitation,” Wright related, rubbing his eyes. “But then I saw the remnants of existence decaying around me, and I knew that I had bigger problems to deal with.” 


How to Pretend Like You Actually Read the New York Times

Mention that crosswording is not a hobby, it’s a state of mind.


Message to the Penn Community: Germany is Awesome :)

Seriously, I’m not hamming this up for the email or anything. I am genuinely having the time of my life. Hey — race you to the top of Hohenzollern Castle!


Dear Penn: Stop Giving Us Tote Bags and Start Giving Us USB Type-A to Mini-B Cables

Think logically about it: What do you even use a tote bag for? Holding groceries? Carrying heavy books? See, it’s practically useless — not to mention mundane as all hell.


Architect Who Worked on High Rises Honestly Shocked They're All Still Standing

“No, no, this is all wrong,” muttered the nonagenarian, watching in horror as students blithely walked in and out of the miraculously sturdy residence halls. “Holy shit.”


Dinner Once Again Hinges on 5 Oz. Bottle of Tabasco

Thanks to the McIlhenny Company, Fortson’s cooking has been made tolerable for the past couple of weeks.


OP-ED: Wanna See a Card Trick?

Sure you do.


Soviet-Style Architecture Students Visit 1920 Commons for Inspiration

 The small class of 13 students took an in-depth tour of the glorified cafeteria to observe uncaring, brutalistic conformity in its most distilled form.


Gourmet Grocer to Consider Restocking Within Next Decade

That’s right: the on-campus grocery store is planning to restock on eggs, milk, toilet paper, and a host of other basic student necessities by 2031.


Crap: Other Group Members Chose Same Strategy of Pretending to Be Out of Town for Next Two Weeks

One guy claims heu2019s u201cvisiting family up in the Poconos.u201d Really, Marco? At least try to come up with something more obscure like Tionesta or Fulton County, for Peteu2019s sake. Weu2019re really scraping the bottom of the barrel of lies here.


BREAKING: Humanities Professor Wants to Talk About Modernity

Ah, modernity. Just, ahh… gosh, where to start? Okay, how about this: what is modernity? Heh, what even is it? What do you guys think — is it an era, a concept, an ethos? Do you… feel modern?


It's Alive! Contemporary Writing House Sprouts Neck Bolts, Rises From Crypt

“What an amazing testament to Mary Shelley, my God,” Tenderson remarked, shaking his head. “Wait, she was contemporary, right? Shit.” 


Pottruck Heats Up, Expands, Initiates Birth of Observable Universe

Onlookers claimed that Pottruck’s rapid expansion, which left fully-formed planets and entire galaxies in its wake, happened in the span of “a couple milliseconds.” As expected, everyone in the gym at the time was immediately vaporized.


Pandemic? Quarantine? It's 2019: Let's Get Some Shake Shack

Woah, are you okay man? That looked like a pretty nasty fall back there, but I’m glad you’re alright! Geez Louise, don’t scare me like that, bro.


What the Hell? Someone On Floor Cooking Steak au Poivre Again

What is that succulent scent wafting through the hallowed halls of Harnwell? God damn it. Is that steak au poivre?


Report: Personal Meeting Rooms Essentially the Same as Third Base

“The atmosphere, intimacy, and sexual tension of a Personal Meeting Room all work in tandem to create a unique bond between both parties,” Professor Judith Stout explained to our reporter. “It’s honestly… kind of filthy.”


Sup Bro: Do You Mind Proofreading My Essay?

Yeah, just read it over and add a few suggestions or something. I’ll take a look at it once I get back from Smokes. Don’t be afraid to tear it to shreds — it’s due at midnight.


Ethics Professor Really Reaching to Justify Suspiciously Personal Scenario

u201cNow, letu2019s assume that Maria were to, say, offer a student extra credit in exchange for cocaine. My question is: would this be ethical? And if so, why?u201d


It's Not Junk Food, Mom: I'm Carrying on the Duchampian Tradition of the Readymade

For the last time, Mommy: stop calling my Cheetos “junk food”. They are far, far more important than you will ever know.


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