After months of deliberation, university officials have finally come to a consensus on their plan of action this upcoming school year. Instead of reopening its doors to all, entrance to Penn’s campus will be restricted to one group: professors.

Shocking! Students have reported getting zapped for mentally losing focus of the 1920 Commons salad bar and the LCH daily special for just a few seconds.

Craigslist exists to help us build ourselves up as a community, whereas Dean’s List exists to break us apart and tear us down.

The upcoming midterm will consist of long-form response questions, diagram drawing, and every other question type seemingly handpicked to make your life just a little more inconvenient.

Yup. Exactly the same. No differences here. Same color too. Oh, wait... is that crack new? No, that’s been there since middle school. Right, right.

UTB needs your help yet again to assess the experience of Penn students as we continue to provide refined, high-caliber reading material.

“Alright future chemists, riddle me this: what do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?”

No flippin’ way, man… NO FLIPPIN’ WAY! ARE YOU IN FLIPPIN' SAN FRANCISCO RIGHT NOW?? Is that… IS THAT THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE???

A universal fail policy would ensure that no student will be forced to pass their classes, no matter their circumstances at home.

i swear i read james joyce one time just one time and this what i get how preposterous ludicrous wow this sucks but i keep coming back for more for more for more okay i must admit this is actually pretty liberating

It’s high time we show him what happens when he messes with engineering students.

“We strongly encourage everyone to immediately drag the Zoom icon away from their other apps and to run their antivirus at least five times a day.”

Rather than ask the instructor-moderated message board for personalized help on her environmental science homework, Mason reportedly orders a full-size supreme pizza every time she hits a roadblock.

“When I first came to Penn, I thought I had the world at my fingertips,” Clyde Orear (C ‘22) recalled, eyes watery. “But it turns out all they teach you here is how to use Analysis ToolPak.”

Gone are the days of CS:GO and StarCraft II: Cavalcanti now uses his lil’ battlestation to explore the vast and welcoming realm of digital pleasures.

“If you guys thought the midterm was tough, try weeding the entire backyard in time for dinner,” Dunkin reminisced, staring off into the distance. “Now that’s what I call tough.”

Got something to say? Oops, couldn’t hear you over the sound of the cogs turning in my brain. And we’re chugging along… one way ticket to Smartsville, baby! Population: moi.

According to firsthand reports, biology students have agreed to hold out until Dorsett at least discovers New Order.

Yessiree: a groovy new chewie for the choosy foodie is on duty.

“Did you guys seriously think all of that crap was real?” Professor Joseph Godin remarked, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. “Oh my goodness.”