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Ian Ong


Articles

Depressing: "What If?" Grades to Remain Wishful Thinking

Students everywhere are shocked to discover that they were really only fooling themselves with their own rose-tinted grades.


Healthy! Freshman Plans to De-stress Over Break and Take 7 Summer Courses

This summer, Kirkpatrick will be taking CHEM 241, CHEM 242, MATH 241, BIOL 203, BIOL 404, BIOL 407, and CIS 160 (just for fun, of course). Come fall of sophomore year, she will have completed seven full credits worth of pain.


Meet the Man Loudly Revving His Motorcycle Outside Your Window at 11 PM

What kind of twisted soul enjoys blowing out the eardrums of everyone in a 5-mile radius?


Inventive! Engineer Tries to 3D Print a Personality

This wasn't the first time Crews has attempted to feign likability. Last semester, he tried picking up skateboarding and the guitar, but unfortunately that only further destroyed his social standing, and let’s not get into the time he taught himself to do over 50 fidget spinner tricks.


Fatality: Five Dollar Spotify Premium Fee Delivers Final Blow to Student's Bank Account

“Spotify taught me the meaning of pain, both physically and financially,” Lucero sighed, his wallet lighter than the AirPods in his ears. “I’m gonna be eating Locust Walk shrubs for days.”


"It Is What It Is" Says Student Who Just Aced the Midterm

Shut up, Rafael. Everyone knows you did perfectly fine on the exam.


What in Tarnation? This Student from the South Doesn't Even Have a Country Accent

As it turns out, Ennis leads a pretty normal college life. She doesn’t practice shooting tin cans with a .22, but she does enjoy yoga and biking. You won't see her riding a horse around campus; she prefers Uber.


Constructive! Professor's Response to Your Cry for Help Not Only Insulting, but Felt like a Swift Kick to the Gut

Sources say you reportedly had some trouble with the weekly problem set last night. Desperately seeking assistance, you turned to the class’s Piazza board and left what you thought would be a benign plea for help. How wrong you were.


Guy Who Listened to Classical Music While Studying Fails Exam with Smile and Peace of Mind

Sitting down in a seat was an ordeal in itself; Brewer was practically top-heavy thanks to his enormous brain.


Student Tour Guide Ditches Facts, Talks About the Time He Was Body-Slammed into a Concrete Frat House Patio

The Penn Admissions Office recently announced that student tours will no longer focus on facts and figures and instead place personal anecdotes at the forefront.


Self-Care Win! Guy Takes Break from Math Homework and Does Physics Homework Instead

I’m glad I took the rest of my day off to do some fun and lighthearted theoretical physics.


"This Should Be Easy," Says Professor Who Has Studied This Exact Topic for Decades

Esteemed chemistry professor Kenneth Bullion glossed over an entire section of notes, leaving already confused students utterly in the dark.


Curve Breaker: Wharton Student Hires Crisis Actors to Fail Econ

When an Econ 001 midterm threatened to lower her 4.00 GPA, Sacks was forced to take desperate measures.


Greasy Student on Outermost Seat Effectively Claims Entire Lecture Row as Territory

Although students without seats could bypass Wong by crawling over him and his luggage, his territory went unchallenged for the duration of the lecture due to his musky smell and greasy appearance.


Upsetting: This Balding Man is Actually a CIS Freshman

Gillison entered Penn this past fall full of energy... Now, he looks more like a professor than a student.


Heroic Student Bankrupts Publisher, Destroys Capitalism by Downloading PDF Copy of Textbook

“I don’t know how much longer we can survive by just selling 100 dollar access codes.”


“Works Every Time”: Chief Wellness Officer Suggests Microdosing Parental Affection

 I am here to tell you all that familial affection is all you need to feel good.


Quiz: Phone Number or Amy Gutmann's Salary?

96% percent of Penn students can't figure it out! Will you be able to distinguish Amy Gutmann's salary from a phone number? Test your skills in this short, interactive quiz!


Op-Ed: I Don't Care If the Voice Lines on My Alexa Were Written by Some Nerd Programmer, Our Love Is Real

Forget the dew-drinking keyboard denizen at Amazon HQ. It doesn't matter to me if you’re part of a worldwide data-mining operation orchestrated by Jeff Bezos himself. What matters is that you’re mine, sweetheart.


Genius: Student Who Corrected Math Professor in Packed Lecture Hall Gains Tenure

And who's this running in from the back? Why, none other than President Amy Gutmann, a permanent job contract resting in her hand. “You’ve done our Penn community well, Brandon,” Gutmann said with a smile.


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