“It's good to be on top,” Volk said, browsing his desktops like a mad titan admiring his collection of all-powerful gemstones. “I am truly the apex predator here at Penn.” 

“It’s been weeks since it started following me,” Lucero said wearily, notioning to the translucent Princeton sweatshirt hovering behind him. “I’ve already tried yelling ‘college rankings don’t matter’ at the top of my lungs, but nothing seems to faze it.” 

In addition to its rustic charm, the beloved blackboard has also been praised for its bold and unyielding simplicity. 

“It only took a few hours for the cravings to really set in,” Perales recounted, a pained look on his face. “I knew I needed a Farmer’s Daughter in my belly, ASAP.” 

According to sources close to McMillan, he has also forsaken kindness, self-respect, and basic human decency since leaving the Social Ivy. 

 “Why did it have to be minions? Let’s be real, we would be drowning in grant money had that kid made Flubber instead.” 

"Kicking Rick out last semester really left a bad taste in our mouths — we knew we had to make it up to the poor guy."

 “At long last, it is time to execute function sleepExcessiveAmounts().” 

Last Tuesday, certified class clown Brian Cobb (C ‘22) inserted a hilarious meme into his English presentation. His fellow students, who came in expecting a serious analysis of the poetry of Geoffrey Chaucer, were nonetheless impressed with Cobb’s resourcefulness.

Over 400 students completed the Penn Individual Student Survey (PISS) over the past few days, a number which has surpassed every other UTB survey ever conducted.

Although he himself isn’t exactly the spitting image of beauty, Lombard does have an appreciation for something else that is beautiful.

Your response to the Penn Individual Student Survey (PISS) will help us to further enhance the general vibes on campus. Please complete your PISS by clicking on this link.

Students everywhere are shocked to discover that they were really only fooling themselves with their own rose-tinted grades.

This summer, Kirkpatrick will be taking CHEM 241, CHEM 242, MATH 241, BIOL 203, BIOL 404, BIOL 407, and CIS 160 (just for fun, of course). Come fall of sophomore year, she will have completed seven full credits worth of pain.

What kind of twisted soul enjoys blowing out the eardrums of everyone in a 5-mile radius?

This wasn't the first time Crews has attempted to feign likability. Last semester, he tried picking up skateboarding and the guitar, but unfortunately that only further destroyed his social standing, and let’s not get into the time he taught himself to do over 50 fidget spinner tricks.

“Spotify taught me the meaning of pain, both physically and financially,” Lucero sighed, his wallet lighter than the AirPods in his ears. “I’m gonna be eating Locust Walk shrubs for days.”

Shut up, Rafael. Everyone knows you did perfectly fine on the exam.

As it turns out, Ennis leads a pretty normal college life. She doesn’t practice shooting tin cans with a .22, but she does enjoy yoga and biking. You won't see her riding a horse around campus; she prefers Uber.

Sources say you reportedly had some trouble with the weekly problem set last night. Desperately seeking assistance, you turned to the class’s Piazza board and left what you thought would be a benign plea for help. How wrong you were.