Ian Ong


Upsetting: This Balding Man is Actually a CIS Freshman

Gillison entered Penn this past fall full of energy... Now, he looks more like a professor than a student.

Heroic Student Bankrupts Publisher, Destroys Capitalism by Downloading PDF Copy of Textbook

“I don’t know how much longer we can survive by just selling 100 dollar access codes.”

“Works Every Time”: Chief Wellness Officer Suggests Microdosing Parental Affection

 I am here to tell you all that familial affection is all you need to feel good.

Quiz: Phone Number or Amy Gutmann's Salary?

96% percent of Penn students can't figure it out! Will you be able to distinguish Amy Gutmann's salary from a phone number? Test your skills in this short, interactive quiz!

Op-Ed: I Don't Care If the Voice Lines on My Alexa Were Written by Some Nerd Programmer, Our Love Is Real

Forget the dew-drinking keyboard denizen at Amazon HQ. It doesn't matter to me if you’re part of a worldwide data-mining operation orchestrated by Jeff Bezos himself. What matters is that you’re mine, sweetheart.

Genius: Student Who Corrected Math Professor in Packed Lecture Hall Gains Tenure

And who's this running in from the back? Why, none other than President Amy Gutmann, a permanent job contract resting in her hand. “You’ve done our Penn community well, Brandon,” Gutmann said with a smile.

Finally: NCH Dining Hall Hires Death Grips Frontman to Yell When Your Order's Ready

Freshmen agree: our staff just hasn’t been shouting loudly enough.

Touching! Cryptic, Oddly Threatening Flyer Posted on Locust Brightens Freshman's Day

New posters have cropped up since the initial one, but lately the messages have switched from being oddly threatening to just flat out aggressive.

Revolutionary: Junior Fulfills Arts and Letters Sector by Watching Miyazaki Films in Pod for an Entire Semester

“Why take Chick Lit or Roman Mythology like a sucker when you could be relishing the Pod experience,” Blankenship gloated before returning his attention to a 15-second clip of “Spirited Away" looping on a nearby monitor.

BREAKING: Startup Founder Looking to Hire Friends

No doubt about it, CIS major and entrepreneur Joey Freeman (E ‘21, W '21) means business.

Guy Who Wants to 'Smash' Tonight Actually Just Wants a Gaming Buddy

And so, being the enthusiastic fan he is, Corbin donned a tasteful homemade Mario costume and hit the ground running, console and controller in hand, to find a worthy opponent on campus.

Horrific: Student Uses Lush Bath Bomb in Kings Court Bathtub

At around 9:30 p.m. last Thursday, Wharton freshman Philip Saunders used a perfectly good “Golden Wonder” bath bomb from Lush in a grimy Kings Court bathtub.

Students Beware: Field Botany Literally Just a Weed-Out Class

“They had us uprooting orchids, roses, tulips, carnations—all in the sweltering hot sun, ” Stewart murmured. “The rumors were true. This really is a weed-out class.” 

Report: Majority of Wharton Students Can't Graph Lines, but They Sure Can Snort Them

It may not be snowing yet, but the inside of Huntsman already looks like a bona fide winter wonderland.

Nice: This Freshman's PAC is '6969'

From the moment he received his PennCard that sunny August 22nd, Charles Chavez (C ‘22) knew he was cut out for excellence.

Unique Work-Study Opportunity: Trimming Amy Gutmann’s Chia Pet

As for payout, you can expect a cool $7.25 per hour (as well as the priceless joy of murmuring “ch-ch-ch-chia” to yourself as you complete your horticultural duties).

Dirty, Stained Plate Honestly Looks More Appetizing Than Anything at Commons ‘Comfort’ Station

The results are in! 10 out of 10 Penn students agree.

Professors Agree: Inappropriately Long and Stressful Midterm Best Way to Test Material

"Academic professionals everywhere know that the human brain performs at its best when under immense, crippling stress."

Yikes: Premed Accidentally Takes SAT Instead of MCAT

From his pristine GPA to his extracurriculars, Preston Fleming (C ’21) was a guy who had school figured out. Or at least, so he thought. 

Fine Arts Student Discovers Abstract Algebra has Nothing to do With Abstract Art

Panic quickly devolved into horror in class today as fine arts major April Hubman (C’20) suddenly realized that the abstract algebra class she was in had absolutely nothing to do with abstract art.