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Ian Ong


Articles

In Light of Everything: Möbius Strips

You already know what it is, baby: Möbius strips! Don’t tell me you forgot about these things, man.


Maureen Rush Reportedly in Heated Skribbl.io Match During U. Council Meeting

“Seriously, Wendell? What the hell is that abomination,” Rush muttered under her breath, scrambling to input a guess before time was up for that round. “Fuck you, bitch.”


The Effects of Global Warming: Students No Longer Returning to Nest on College Green

Crikey, this is sad. To see such a luscious pasture transform into a barren moonscape, devoid of life. Maybe they’ll come back if we scatter some poppers on the ground. Haha, I don’t know!


Emaciated Husk of a Human to "Finish Semester Strong"

Willie Abbott (C ‘22), who has juggled a 5.5 credit course load, familial obligations, and latent mental illness for the past couple of months, is reportedly ready to end this year on a good note.


Warning: Penn Hookup Culture MUCH Different at Home

There’s this chick, right? Get this: everytime I try to put on the moves, she just stares at me, looks all concerned, and then asks me to come down for dinner before it gets cold. Like, what the hell?


SAD! UA Election Investigation Reveals Voter Fraud

What a Disaster! There were more BALLOTS than STUDENTS (Sad!), “glitches” everywhere, and Sleepy Amy Gutmann won’t allow a recount!


Sobbing, Demoralized UTB Writer Realizes No Stereotype Broad Enough to Apply to All CAS Students

“Haha, students in the College, am I right? Now, let’s see…” Trinkle muttered to himself, attempting to come up with a headline. “Uhhh… hm. Oh. Oh no.”


BREAKING: UTB Has Gun to My Head, Will Pull Trigger If I Stop Writing

UPDATE: sources are saying that I am totally safe, and that I am NOT continuing to write this article under duress of any sort. Please disregard the erroneous headline!


Crazy: Only People Who Finished Their Assigned Readings Can View This Article

Have you finished all of your assigned readings? Find out today by attempting to view this interactive article!


Anonymous Poet Wins Professor of the Year Award

“Who is he?” queried Angelica Simons, eyes glimmering with infatuation. “I… need to meet him, he’s done so much for me, and his replies are so… captivating.”


Blast From the Past: Here Are Four Genuine Smiles From People Who Are Intrinsically Satisfied with Life

Wowza! Does anyone else remember this? Without further ado, here are four bonafide smiles from people who are free from the crushing despair of our modern era! 


His Duty Fulfilled, Alex from Penn Dems Re-enters Hibernatory Cryo-Chamber

Through the power of modern technology, the cold-caller's heart rate has been successfully slowed to a pace slower than that of the Nevada vote count.










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