Students everywhere are shocked to discover that they were really only fooling themselves with their own rose-tinted grades.

This summer, Kirkpatrick will be taking CHEM 241, CHEM 242, MATH 241, BIOL 203, BIOL 404, BIOL 407, and CIS 160 (just for fun, of course). Come fall of sophomore year, she will have completed seven full credits worth of pain.

What kind of twisted soul enjoys blowing out the eardrums of everyone in a 5-mile radius?

This wasn't the first time Crews has attempted to feign likability. Last semester, he tried picking up skateboarding and the guitar, but unfortunately that only further destroyed his social standing, and let’s not get into the time he taught himself to do over 50 fidget spinner tricks.

“Spotify taught me the meaning of pain, both physically and financially,” Lucero sighed, his wallet lighter than the AirPods in his ears. “I’m gonna be eating Locust Walk shrubs for days.”

Shut up, Rafael. Everyone knows you did perfectly fine on the exam.

As it turns out, Ennis leads a pretty normal college life. She doesn’t practice shooting tin cans with a .22, but she does enjoy yoga and biking. You won't see her riding a horse around campus; she prefers Uber.

Sources say you reportedly had some trouble with the weekly problem set last night. Desperately seeking assistance, you turned to the class’s Piazza board and left what you thought would be a benign plea for help. How wrong you were.

Sitting down in a seat was an ordeal in itself; Brewer was practically top-heavy thanks to his enormous brain.

The Penn Admissions Office recently announced that student tours will no longer focus on facts and figures and instead place personal anecdotes at the forefront.

I’m glad I took the rest of my day off to do some fun and lighthearted theoretical physics.

Esteemed chemistry professor Kenneth Bullion glossed over an entire section of notes, leaving already confused students utterly in the dark.

When an Econ 001 midterm threatened to lower her 4.00 GPA, Sacks was forced to take desperate measures.

Although students without seats could bypass Wong by crawling over him and his luggage, his territory went unchallenged for the duration of the lecture due to his musky smell and greasy appearance.

Gillison entered Penn this past fall full of energy... Now, he looks more like a professor than a student.

“I don’t know how much longer we can survive by just selling 100 dollar access codes.”

 I am here to tell you all that familial affection is all you need to feel good.

96% percent of Penn students can't figure it out! Will you be able to distinguish Amy Gutmann's salary from a phone number? Test your skills in this short, interactive quiz!

Forget the dew-drinking keyboard denizen at Amazon HQ. It doesn't matter to me if you’re part of a worldwide data-mining operation orchestrated by Jeff Bezos himself. What matters is that you’re mine, sweetheart.

And who's this running in from the back? Why, none other than President Amy Gutmann, a permanent job contract resting in her hand. “You’ve done our Penn community well, Brandon,” Gutmann said with a smile.