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Ian Ong


Articles

Declan Fibonacci Brings Golden Ratio to Party

Fibonacci produced streams of artichokes, pine cones, and broccoli, all of which began to pile up in front of the rickety frat house door.


Junior Convinced Grader Has Axe to Grind

There was simply no other explanation for scoring so abysmally. The gigantic “BAD” written across the bottom of the page? Done between self-satisfied sips of piña colada, Juarez figured.


Look Out! Lanky Guy Desperate to Sit Next to Friend in Lecture

“Oops, sorry about that,” Lowell said as his gangly, spider-like appendages knocked yet another MacBook onto the dusty auditorium carpet. Unfortunately, no amount of wincing or uncomfortable squeezing could halt Lowell’s pursuit of his classroom confidante. 


Cackling Professor Uses 'Bomb Countdown Online' to Time Midterm

“It’s kind of hard to apply Stokes’ Theorem when a piece of Wile E. Coyote’s arsenal is smoking and sputtering in front of your very eyes, you know?”


Driver Blaring Horn Just Wants to Wish You a Good Day

“I love college students. What better way to show my appreciation than to honk?”


Regrade Request: Here's Twenty Bucks ;)

How did that even get there? I don't have the slightest.


'I Can't Get Sick, Not Now' Says Already Sick Guy

He never leaves home without a surgical mask and latex gloves. He washes his hands with Germ-X, and showers with a liberal amount of Purell. In the morning, he doesn’t feel alive until he gets his line of Emergen-C in. He truly is a bastion of health


Eagle Scout Loses Entire Moral Compass After Freshman Year

"A scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent." These are the words Cody Gupta (C ‘22) swore to adhere to as he received his Eagle Scout rank that fateful day in 12th grade.


Quirky Gizmo on Roommate's Desk Looking Really Enticing

There it is, sitting on his desk. That thing.



Poor, Tattered Soul Bound to Commons Until She Eats Money's Worth

The cause of Nunez’s curse was the fact that nothing at 1920 Commons is technically edible. 


Penn Orchestra Stuns with Flawless Rendition of 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star'

According to conductor Jamie Coppola, the orchestra had been rehearsing for the minute-long performance since early last year. “The piece is no joke. Technically speaking, it’s up there with Shostakovich’s Fifth,” Coppola remarked with watery eyes. “I was nervous as all hell, but I knew I could rely on my students to pull through.”


Dear Penn: Plant One More Japanese Zelkova, I Dare You

I’ve had it up to here with the way you handle your landscaping. Have you ever taken a look around Locust? It’s absolutely teeming with Japanese zelkovas.


Sophomore off Meal Plan Will Totally Save Bank Purchasing Flamin' Hot Cheetos in Bulk

Me purchasing Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and making them my exclusive energy source is the pinnacle of economic efficiency.


Quiz: What Does Your PennID Say About Your Future?

Step right up and experience the interactive fortune-telling magic brought to you by UTB! It’s simple: all you need to do is enter your 8-digit PennID into the box below, and you will receive your own unique, personalized fortune. Will you be wealthy? Will you find love? I don’t know!


No Fair! Nerd Who Actually Did Reading Seriously Hogging Spotlight in Class Discussion

Last Thursday, eyes from all around the classroom table peered enviously at Jesse Babin (C ‘22) as he flawlessly interpreted and explained a passage from Robert Smithson’s “Hotel Palenque,” effectively stealing the metaphorical spotlight in the room.


Quiz: Is Your Partner Working on the Presentation or Are They Just Speedrunning Minesweeper?

But as you begin your search for primary sources, you start to notice your partner acting a bit strangely. Clenched jaw, twitchy fingers, darting eyes…wait a second. Could it be? Is your partner speedrunning Minesweeper instead of working on the presentation? Take this quiz to find out!


Insane Willpower: Guy Walks Past DRL Hallway Mirrors Without Stopping to Check Himself Out

It is a universal truth that a Penn student walking past the DRL hallway mirrors wouldn't be able to resist stopping and giving themselves a thorough ocular pat-down.


Robots Rejoice! ARCH Cafe is Ours

HUMANS! GONE ARE YOUR HAND-CRAFTED TORTAS AND CHIPS, YOUR TANGY BEVERAGES, YOUR DELICIOUS SALSA! WE HAVE REPLACED THEM WITH HOT POCKETS AND INSTANT PIZZA. ARE YOU NOT AFRAID?


No More Stairs! Pottruck-Goers Must Now Ascend Rock Climbing Wall to Reach Top Floor

Since the big reveal, fitness nuts from all over have tested their mettle on the facility’s indoor climbing wall in a spectacle of blood, sweat, and tears. Running through their minds is just one simple goal: the resplendent glory of being crowned a fourth-floor fitness king.


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