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Ian Ong


Articles

Party City! Penn to Reopen in Fall, But Only For Professors

After months of deliberation, university officials have finally come to a consensus on their plan of action this upcoming school year. Instead of reopening its doors to all, entrance to Penn’s campus will be restricted to one group: professors.


Careful: Penn Mobile to Administer 20,000 Volts to Prefrontal Cortex for Thinking About Going off Meal Plan

Shocking! Students have reported getting zapped for mentally losing focus of the 1920 Commons salad bar and the LCH daily special for just a few seconds.


OP-ED: Who Needs Dean's List When You Have Craigslist?

Craigslist exists to help us build ourselves up as a community, whereas Dean’s List exists to break us apart and tear us down.


Thrilling! You Have Under 60 Minutes to Complete, Check, Scan, Email, Upload, and Submit Midterm

The upcoming midterm will consist of long-form response questions, diagram drawing, and every other question type seemingly handpicked to make your life just a little more inconvenient.


Report: Yup, Bedroom Ceiling Still Looks the Same

Yup. Exactly the same. No differences here. Same color too. Oh, wait... is that crack new? No, that’s been there since middle school. Right, right.


Survey: Help Us Improve the Penn Experience, Again

UTB needs your help yet again to assess the experience of Penn students as we continue to provide refined, high-caliber reading material.


Thanks, Zoom: Professor Swinford's Uncomfortable Jokes Now Excruciating

“Alright future chemists, riddle me this: what do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?”


Five Hilarious Zoom Backgrounds That Will Get the Whole Squad Laughing

No flippin’ way, man… NO FLIPPIN’ WAY! ARE YOU IN FLIPPIN' SAN FRANCISCO RIGHT NOW?? Is that… IS THAT THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE???


Penn Should Implement Universal Fail. Here’s Why.

A universal fail policy would ensure that no student will be forced to pass their classes, no matter their circumstances at home.


OP-ED: Please Help I’m Addicted to Stream of Consciousness Writing Oh My God Oh My Lord This Is Beyond Awful

i swear i read james joyce one time just one time and this what i get how preposterous ludicrous wow this sucks but i keep coming back for more for more for more okay i must admit this is actually pretty liberating


Get Him! This Engineering Student Thinks JoJo's Bizarre Adventure Is Just “okay”

It’s high time we show him what happens when he messes with engineering students.


Zoom Ordered to Stay at Least 2 Inches Away From Other Desktop Applications

“We strongly encourage everyone to immediately drag the Zoom icon away from their other apps and to run their antivirus at least five times a day.”


Embarrassing: Student Tries to Submit Question on Pizza

Rather than ask the instructor-moderated message board for personalized help on her environmental science homework, Mason reportedly orders a full-size supreme pizza every time she hits a roadblock.


Depressing: All Known Areas of Study Just Become Staring at Excel Spreadsheets Sooner or Later

“When I first came to Penn, I thought I had the world at my fingertips,” Clyde Orear (C ‘22) recalled, eyes watery. “But it turns out all they teach you here is how to use Analysis ToolPak.”


Gaming Laptop Just Porn Laptop Now

Gone are the days of CS:GO and StarCraft II: Cavalcanti now uses his lil’ battlestation to explore the vast and welcoming realm of digital pleasures.


Oh Goodie! Professor Dunkin Is About to Talk About His Pastoral German Childhood Again

“If you guys thought the midterm was tough, try weeding the entire backyard in time for dinner,” Dunkin reminisced, staring off into the distance. “Now that’s what I call tough.”


OP-ED: Each Day I Challenge My Mind Solving the NYT Mini Crossword. Can You Say the Same?

Got something to say? Oops, couldn’t hear you over the sound of the cogs turning in my brain. And we’re chugging along… one way ticket to Smartsville, baby! Population: moi.


It's Over: Professor Discovered Joy Division

According to firsthand reports, biology students have agreed to hold out until Dorsett at least discovers New Order.


Louie Louie Newie! Ooey Gooey Chewy Ratatouille!

Yessiree: a groovy new chewie for the choosy foodie is on duty.


Snickering Group of Penn Professors Admit They Made Math Up For April Fools 1981

“Did you guys seriously think all of that crap was real?” Professor Joseph Godin remarked, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. “Oh my goodness.”


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