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Ian Ong


Articles

Friendly Reminder: John Quiñones Brought You Into This World, and He Can Take You Out of It

Just accept it already: all the world’s a stage, and we are no more than John Quiñones’ unknowing play-things.


OP-ED: Y'all Wanna Hotbox This Breakout Room?

So, we’re lighting up right? Come on, there's no way the professor checks in on us. We’re freakin’ breakout room six, man! No holds barred!


CAPS to Offer Emergency Counseling for Students Who Didn't Know They Were Unmuted

“Yeah, I’m here because I dissed my professor’s new haircut pretty hard,” Phyllis Herrell (C ‘23) confessed to his counselor. “I mean, it really looked like a wild racoon made its way onto his scalp and died there, but he wasn’t supposed to hear all that.”


Big Data: Check Out This Humongous Data

All of those majestic, flowing, glistening green stripes. What ever could it mean? I haven’t the slightest. They say to truly understand big data, you have to listen to at least fifty hours of Kraftwerk. Hey, don’t look at me. I don’t make the rules here.


To Replicate Freshman Experience, Penn Residential Services to Shut Off Warm Water to Your House at Random Points in Day

“So I was showering last week, and suddenly the water went cold and the pipes in the wall started shaking and gurgling,” Rochester excitedly told UTB. “If I close my eyes, it’s like I’m really in a shared bathroom in KCECH! So cool.”


Sophomore Holds Out 'Til Zoom Call Ends Before Devolving Into Loathsome, Slovenly Creature

“You mean to tell me that her eager, cheerful, and studious demeanor was nothing more than a facade to obscure the odious and slothful beast lying within?” Amy Knox (C ‘23) asked in disbelief. “But she always volunteers first whenever the professor asks a question!”


Please, No More: Sophomore Desperate After Fifth Wholesome, Home-cooked Meal of Week

Steffey, a former Rodin resident who feels more at home with empty calories in one hand and a canister of high-fructose corn syrup in the other, has struggled to stomach his new meal plan.


Party City! Penn to Reopen in Fall, But Only For Professors

After months of deliberation, university officials have finally come to a consensus on their plan of action this upcoming school year. Instead of reopening its doors to all, entrance to Penn’s campus will be restricted to one group: professors.


Careful: Penn Mobile to Administer 20,000 Volts to Prefrontal Cortex for Thinking About Going off Meal Plan

Shocking! Students have reported getting zapped for mentally losing focus of the 1920 Commons salad bar and the LCH daily special for just a few seconds.


OP-ED: Who Needs Dean's List When You Have Craigslist?

Craigslist exists to help us build ourselves up as a community, whereas Dean’s List exists to break us apart and tear us down.


Thrilling! You Have Under 60 Minutes to Complete, Check, Scan, Email, Upload, and Submit Midterm

The upcoming midterm will consist of long-form response questions, diagram drawing, and every other question type seemingly handpicked to make your life just a little more inconvenient.


Report: Yup, Bedroom Ceiling Still Looks the Same

Yup. Exactly the same. No differences here. Same color too. Oh, wait... is that crack new? No, that’s been there since middle school. Right, right.


Survey: Help Us Improve the Penn Experience, Again

UTB needs your help yet again to assess the experience of Penn students as we continue to provide refined, high-caliber reading material.


Thanks, Zoom: Professor Swinford's Uncomfortable Jokes Now Excruciating

“Alright future chemists, riddle me this: what do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?”


Five Hilarious Zoom Backgrounds That Will Get the Whole Squad Laughing

No flippin’ way, man… NO FLIPPIN’ WAY! ARE YOU IN FLIPPIN' SAN FRANCISCO RIGHT NOW?? Is that… IS THAT THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE???


Penn Should Implement Universal Fail. Here’s Why.

A universal fail policy would ensure that no student will be forced to pass their classes, no matter their circumstances at home.


OP-ED: Please Help I’m Addicted to Stream of Consciousness Writing Oh My God Oh My Lord This Is Beyond Awful

i swear i read james joyce one time just one time and this what i get how preposterous ludicrous wow this sucks but i keep coming back for more for more for more okay i must admit this is actually pretty liberating


Get Him! This Engineering Student Thinks JoJo's Bizarre Adventure Is Just “okay”

It’s high time we show him what happens when he messes with engineering students.


Zoom Ordered to Stay at Least 2 Inches Away From Other Desktop Applications

“We strongly encourage everyone to immediately drag the Zoom icon away from their other apps and to run their antivirus at least five times a day.”


Embarrassing: Student Tries to Submit Question on Pizza

Rather than ask the instructor-moderated message board for personalized help on her environmental science homework, Mason reportedly orders a full-size supreme pizza every time she hits a roadblock.


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