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Ian Ong


Articles

Thanks, Zoom: Professor Swinford's Uncomfortable Jokes Now Excruciating

“Alright future chemists, riddle me this: what do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?”


Five Hilarious Zoom Backgrounds That Will Get the Whole Squad Laughing

No flippin’ way, man… NO FLIPPIN’ WAY! ARE YOU IN FLIPPIN' SAN FRANCISCO RIGHT NOW?? Is that… IS THAT THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE???


Penn Should Implement Universal Fail. Here’s Why.

A universal fail policy would ensure that no student will be forced to pass their classes, no matter their circumstances at home.


OP-ED: Please Help I’m Addicted to Stream of Consciousness Writing Oh My God Oh My Lord This Is Beyond Awful

i swear i read james joyce one time just one time and this what i get how preposterous ludicrous wow this sucks but i keep coming back for more for more for more okay i must admit this is actually pretty liberating


Get Him! This Engineering Student Thinks JoJo's Bizarre Adventure Is Just “okay”

It’s high time we show him what happens when he messes with engineering students.


Zoom Ordered to Stay at Least 2 Inches Away From Other Desktop Applications

“We strongly encourage everyone to immediately drag the Zoom icon away from their other apps and to run their antivirus at least five times a day.”


Embarrassing: Student Tries to Submit Question on Pizza

Rather than ask the instructor-moderated message board for personalized help on her environmental science homework, Mason reportedly orders a full-size supreme pizza every time she hits a roadblock.


Depressing: All Known Areas of Study Just Become Staring at Excel Spreadsheets Sooner or Later

“When I first came to Penn, I thought I had the world at my fingertips,” Clyde Orear (C ‘22) recalled, eyes watery. “But it turns out all they teach you here is how to use Analysis ToolPak.”


Gaming Laptop Just Porn Laptop Now

Gone are the days of CS:GO and StarCraft II: Cavalcanti now uses his lil’ battlestation to explore the vast and welcoming realm of digital pleasures.


Oh Goodie! Professor Dunkin Is About to Talk About His Pastoral German Childhood Again

“If you guys thought the midterm was tough, try weeding the entire backyard in time for dinner,” Dunkin reminisced, staring off into the distance. “Now that’s what I call tough.”


OP-ED: Each Day I Challenge My Mind Solving the NYT Mini Crossword. Can You Say the Same?

Got something to say? Oops, couldn’t hear you over the sound of the cogs turning in my brain. And we’re chugging along… one way ticket to Smartsville, baby! Population: moi.


It's Over: Professor Discovered Joy Division

According to firsthand reports, biology students have agreed to hold out until Dorsett at least discovers New Order.


Louie Louie Newie! Ooey Gooey Chewy Ratatouille!

Yessiree: a groovy new chewie for the choosy foodie is on duty.


Snickering Group of Penn Professors Admit They Made Math Up For April Fools 1981

“Did you guys seriously think all of that crap was real?” Professor Joseph Godin remarked, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. “Oh my goodness.”


Quiz: Ghost Town or the Weingarten Learning Resources Center?

Buckle up, because this might be a little bit tricky! Will you be able to tell the difference between a dilapidated ghost town and the Weingarten Learning Resources Center? Find out in the quiz below.


Report: 90% of Penn Operating Budget Goes Toward Powering Oscillating Sculpture in LRSM Lobby

“Hold on, hold on, so let me get this straight. You guys want us to put more money toward improving student life?” Stanton bellowed between fits of laughter. “What is this — a university?”


My Outstretched, Personable Hand to Begin Accepting Dining Dollars

Just think of all the food that I will be able to enjoy. Margherita pizzas. Premium bento boxes. Whatever they sell at 34th Street Carvery. Your generous donation of dining dollars will make all the difference.


Oh Fuck: Kitchen Steam Headed Straight for Fucking Smoke Detector Fuckfuckfuckfuck

Wait, hold up. No way. Are you fucking kidding me right now? Smoke? I just wanted to fry up a late-night dish, and this is what I get? Oh shit oh fuck that’s a lot of steam


Desire to Do Work Overpowered by 15th Sorting Algorithm Video of Night

“Merge sort is the most satisfying thing I’ve ever seen."


OP-ED: If You Have Your ExtraCare Card, Please Scan It Now

Swipe or insert card and follow instructions on pinpad.


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