You already know what it is, baby: Möbius strips! Don’t tell me you forgot about these things, man.

“Seriously, Wendell? What the hell is that abomination,” Rush muttered under her breath, scrambling to input a guess before time was up for that round. “Fuck you, bitch.”

Crikey, this is sad. To see such a luscious pasture transform into a barren moonscape, devoid of life. Maybe they’ll come back if we scatter some poppers on the ground. Haha, I don’t know!

Willie Abbott (C ‘22), who has juggled a 5.5 credit course load, familial obligations, and latent mental illness for the past couple of months, is reportedly ready to end this year on a good note.

There’s this chick, right? Get this: everytime I try to put on the moves, she just stares at me, looks all concerned, and then asks me to come down for dinner before it gets cold. Like, what the hell?

What a Disaster! There were more BALLOTS than STUDENTS (Sad!), “glitches” everywhere, and Sleepy Amy Gutmann won’t allow a recount!

“Haha, students in the College, am I right? Now, let’s see…” Trinkle muttered to himself, attempting to come up with a headline. “Uhhh… hm. Oh. Oh no.”

UPDATE: sources are saying that I am totally safe, and that I am NOT continuing to write this article under duress of any sort. Please disregard the erroneous headline!

Have you finished all of your assigned readings? Find out today by attempting to view this interactive article!

“Who is he?” queried Angelica Simons, eyes glimmering with infatuation. “I… need to meet him, he’s done so much for me, and his replies are so… captivating.”

Wowza! Does anyone else remember this? Without further ado, here are four bonafide smiles from people who are free from the crushing despair of our modern era! 

Through the power of modern technology, the cold-caller's heart rate has been successfully slowed to a pace slower than that of the Nevada vote count.