Under the Button is part of a student-run nonprofit.

Please support us by disabling your ad blocker on our site.

Ian Ong


Articles

OP-ED: If Em Dashes Are So Versatile, Then Why Can’t They Mend My Rapidly Deteriorating Relationship?

First, I began sneaking them into our texts. “Hey — can we talk tonight?” “Do you want to hang out — maybe next Friday?” “Wow, that GIF you sent of a guy slipping and falling head-first into a tub full of hot sauce was — frankly — pretty epic.”


Seven Scary Tactics to Make Your Code Run

Wait until your code isn’t looking, then scream “Yahtzee!” really loudly. Before you know it, your code will be speeding out of there in no time flat.



Ten Ways to Maintain Your Painstakingly Crafted and Curated Persona on BeReal

When it comes time to snap that fateful pic, here are ten easy tricks you can use to appear more interesting, fun, and thoughtful than you really are.


Erm, I Don't Really Care: Sister Showing Me Her Sloppy, Jury-Rigged Dinner Over Video Call

Ahh, okay, good for you, I guess? I’d really rather be doing something else right about now.


REPORT: Introverted Boys Twice as Likely to Mutter "Yeah, Wanna Push Me Around, Huh" to Self While Showering

“It’s not like they’re talking to anyone in particular,” Salazie noted. “They’re kinda just saying stuff out loud.”


Here is Some of Jane Eyre

You wanted it, you asked for it — we listened.


Hmm: Cryptic, Hastily Applied Sticker on Lamp Post Doesn't Really Give Anything to Go Off Of

I suppose it could be some sort of political statement? I mean, you have a virus in a TV on top of a suit. Maybe it’s like, commentary on how mass media has influenced the popular perception of the pandemic? Then again, it could just as easily be the calling card for some underground, sharply-dressed EDM musician named DJ Sicko.


Heartbreaking: UTB Writer Befriends Fictional Scapegoat Character from Their Articles

“Man, I used to think that Ian only saw me as a literary vehicle for peddling his twisted world view, but he’s actually pretty chill,” Allen said, slurping oysters with his newfound friend. “Also, he’s hot. Like, so hot. Smoking H-O-T.”


BREAKING: Secret Weight Room Found at Renowned Study Space Pottruck

Pottruck, a shining beacon of scholarship and mental advancement, has been home base for Penn’s brightest since 2003. And that’s what makes this new finding so baffling.


Self-Help: Help Yourself to Another Brownie :)

ohh, did that one have fudge inside??? :) :) :) Hell YEAH! :) :) :) :) :)


OP-ED: I'll Do a Line, and Then You Strangle Me, Okay?

How many times do I have to explain this? It’s really not that hard of a concept to grasp.


Take the Stairs, Man! I am a Werewolf Who Needs to Make it to Rooftop Lounge Quickly so That I Can Stare Longingly at the Moon

 OMG protip: can you,,,, like take the staiws if u live on floor 5 or below??? Pl0x???// *tail swishing* roflcopter!!!!!! 


I’m in Charge Now, Suckers: Welcome to Pritchett World

Who am I, you ask? WHO AM I? I’m Wendell goddamn Pritchett! What do you mean, you’ve never heard of me? Shut up! SHUT! UP!!! God DAMN IT!


Write What You Know: Here are 80 Pages on My Own Staggering Genius

Looking back at the headline of this article, which I pitched but a few paltry days ago, I can only conclude that it was birthed from a fit of narcissistic megalomania, potentially while I was under the influence of the good ol’ rotgut, no less.


Meet the Bitter and Unfulfilled Penn Students Who Stared Blankly After I Stuck My Thumbs in My Ears and Made a Funny Face

UTB has secured an exclusive interview with the so-called “Penn students” who witnessed this hilarious gesture, but inexplicably remained stony-faced for the entire duration of the proverbial “show.”


Report: 9 Out of 10 UTB Writers Enjoy Lives of Fame, Luxury, and Excess

To learn more about this phenomenon, we reached out to long-time UTB writer Jim Allen. Although we were unable to secure an interview with him on account of his busy schedule, we were able to gain access to his personal butler, who subsequently handed us a copy of Allen’s itinerary for release to the hoi polloi.


We’re Done: UTB is Now a Site for Basic Gardening Tips

Yeah, so if you’re looking to plant some begonias or something, make sure to use nutrient rich soil, you ignoramuses. Plants, in fact, need nutrients to grow up big and strong. Christ, I know you suckers are just eating this right up.


Life is Too Short to Be Sad: Here’s How to Be Downright Miserable

We are but mere mortals in the grand scheme of things, so why waste your time on this earth feeling sad? Here’s how to feel downright miserable instead.


OP-ED: All Lectures Should Be Asynchronous and Our Eyes Should Be Replaced with Cybernetic Implants

Do we want to be left in the dust when the colossal machine that is globalization sweeps by? Or do we want to gouge out our eyeballs, excavate all of the vitreous humor, and insert spherical seeing devices designed by our top scientists and engineers into the gaps?


PennConnects