According to conductor Jamie Coppola, the orchestra had been rehearsing for the minute-long performance since early last year. “The piece is no joke. Technically speaking, it’s up there with Shostakovich’s Fifth,” Coppola remarked with watery eyes. “I was nervous as all hell, but I knew I could rely on my students to pull through.”

I’ve had it up to here with the way you handle your landscaping. Have you ever taken a look around Locust? It’s absolutely teeming with Japanese zelkovas.

Me purchasing Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and making them my exclusive energy source is the pinnacle of economic efficiency.

Step right up and experience the interactive fortune-telling magic brought to you by UTB! It’s simple: all you need to do is enter your 8-digit PennID into the box below, and you will receive your own unique, personalized fortune. Will you be wealthy? Will you find love? I don’t know!

Last Thursday, eyes from all around the classroom table peered enviously at Jesse Babin (C ‘22) as he flawlessly interpreted and explained a passage from Robert Smithson’s “Hotel Palenque,” effectively stealing the metaphorical spotlight in the room.

But as you begin your search for primary sources, you start to notice your partner acting a bit strangely. Clenched jaw, twitchy fingers, darting eyes…wait a second. Could it be? Is your partner speedrunning Minesweeper instead of working on the presentation? Take this quiz to find out!

It is a universal truth that a Penn student walking past the DRL hallway mirrors wouldn't be able to resist stopping and giving themselves a thorough ocular pat-down.

HUMANS! GONE ARE YOUR HAND-CRAFTED TORTAS AND CHIPS, YOUR TANGY BEVERAGES, YOUR DELICIOUS SALSA! WE HAVE REPLACED THEM WITH HOT POCKETS AND INSTANT PIZZA. ARE YOU NOT AFRAID?

Since the big reveal, fitness nuts from all over have tested their mettle on the facility’s indoor climbing wall in a spectacle of blood, sweat, and tears. Running through their minds is just one simple goal: the resplendent glory of being crowned a fourth-floor fitness king.

His advisor was AWOL, MIA. His altruistic spirit: crushed entirely to a pulp.

After years of illicitly compiling student profiles and surveillance footage from across campus, Penn’s top scientists are proud to present their newest data-driven achievement.

Not only will winners of the PA Powerball clinch a jackpot of over 80 million dollars, but they will also receive the ultimate prize. 

“It's good to be on top,” Volk said, browsing his desktops like a mad titan admiring his collection of all-powerful gemstones. “I am truly the apex predator here at Penn.” 

“It’s been weeks since it started following me,” Lucero said wearily, notioning to the translucent Princeton sweatshirt hovering behind him. “I’ve already tried yelling ‘college rankings don’t matter’ at the top of my lungs, but nothing seems to faze it.” 

In addition to its rustic charm, the beloved blackboard has also been praised for its bold and unyielding simplicity. 

“It only took a few hours for the cravings to really set in,” Perales recounted, a pained look on his face. “I knew I needed a Farmer’s Daughter in my belly, ASAP.” 

According to sources close to McMillan, he has also forsaken kindness, self-respect, and basic human decency since leaving the Social Ivy. 

 “Why did it have to be minions? Let’s be real, we would be drowning in grant money had that kid made Flubber instead.” 

"Kicking Rick out last semester really left a bad taste in our mouths — we knew we had to make it up to the poor guy."

 “At long last, it is time to execute function sleepExcessiveAmounts().”