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Ian Ong


Crap: Other Group Members Chose Same Strategy of Pretending to Be Out of Town for Next Two Weeks

One guy claims heu2019s u201cvisiting family up in the Poconos.u201d Really, Marco? At least try to come up with something more obscure like Tionesta or Fulton County, for Peteu2019s sake. Weu2019re really scraping the bottom of the barrel of lies here.

BREAKING: Humanities Professor Wants to Talk About Modernity

Ah, modernity. Just, ahh… gosh, where to start? Okay, how about this: what is modernity? Heh, what even is it? What do you guys think — is it an era, a concept, an ethos? Do you… feel modern?

It's Alive! Contemporary Writing House Sprouts Neck Bolts, Rises From Crypt

“What an amazing testament to Mary Shelley, my God,” Tenderson remarked, shaking his head. “Wait, she was contemporary, right? Shit.” 

Pottruck Heats Up, Expands, Initiates Birth of Observable Universe

Onlookers claimed that Pottruck’s rapid expansion, which left fully-formed planets and entire galaxies in its wake, happened in the span of “a couple milliseconds.” As expected, everyone in the gym at the time was immediately vaporized.

Pandemic? Quarantine? It's 2019: Let's Get Some Shake Shack

Woah, are you okay man? That looked like a pretty nasty fall back there, but I’m glad you’re alright! Geez Louise, don’t scare me like that, bro.

What the Hell? Someone On Floor Cooking Steak au Poivre Again

What is that succulent scent wafting through the hallowed halls of Harnwell? God damn it. Is that steak au poivre?

Architect Who Worked on High Rises Honestly Shocked They All Still Standing

“No, no, this is all wrong,” muttered the nonagenarian, watching in horror as students blithely walked in and out of the miraculously sturdy residence halls. “Holy shit.”

Report: Personal Meeting Rooms Essentially the Same as Third Base

“The atmosphere, intimacy, and sexual tension of a Personal Meeting Room all work in tandem to create a unique bond between both parties,” Professor Judith Stout explained to our reporter. “It’s honestly… kind of filthy.”

Sup Bro: Do You Mind Proofreading My Essay?

Yeah, just read it over and add a few suggestions or something. I’ll take a look at it once I get back from Smokes. Don’t be afraid to tear it to shreds — it’s due at midnight.

Ethics Professor Really Reaching to Justify Suspiciously Personal Scenario

u201cNow, letu2019s assume that Maria were to, say, offer a student extra credit in exchange for cocaine. My question is: would this be ethical? And if so, why?u201d

It's Not Junk Food, Mom: I'm Carrying on the Duchampian Tradition of the Readymade

For the last time, Mommy: stop calling my Cheetos “junk food”. They are far, far more important than you will ever know.

Good for Her! DP Commenter Says She Makes $250 An Hour From Home

According to Saqi, the work is “so easy”, consisting mainly of “copying and pasting”, “sipping martinis”, and “going on luxury cruises across the world”. How didn’t I think of this sooner?

BREAKING: Wharton Just One UTB Article Away from Complete Ruin

Oh, the humanity! I can’t bear to watch. Prepare yourselves — we are about to have a very large pile of rubble and cocaine on our hands. 

TBH: I Need Like, Two Consecutive Weeks of Engagement Days

One measly day isn’t enough to process the trauma of calling your professor Mom, let alone one to four whole years of undergrad. Yo, Gutmann! Don’t leave me high and dry here.

OP-ED: Now, It's My Turn to Laugh.

Ha! Hah! Ha-ha-aha! Oh, what sport! What astounding, overflowing levity! Man, this is liberating. Grant me restraint, Euphrosyne! I beg of you.

Report: CIS Major in Your Japanese Class Definitely Has No Ulterior Motives Whatsoever

Kyle, who typically takes on a workload of six-and-a-half STEM classes, has made the bold choice this semester to enroll in an introductory course in the Japanese department.

Hurrah, Hurrah! PennOpen Pass Red and Blue

Wow, interesting! Chloe Clark’s (C ‘22) PennOpen Pass is a wondrous mashup of cherry red and oceanic blue. So chic, and totally showing off school spirit to boot!

YAHOO! University Announces Start of Loud Period

“HELL YEAH!” Wayne R. Alkire (C ‘23) shouted upon hearing the news. “NOW NOBODY CAN STOP ME FROM BLASTING WHEEZER AT 2 A.M.”

Slurp! 5 Ways to Enjoy a Vial of Spit Once That Gullible Sucker Walks Outside

So, you’ve finally done it. Thanks to your glib demeanor, charming smile, and spare N-95 respirator, you’ve successfully tricked some unsuspecting chump into giving you a vial full of their saliva.

In Light of Everything: Möbius Strips

You already know what it is, baby: Möbius strips! Don’t tell me you forgot about these things, man.