Ian Ong


Articles

Touching! Cryptic, Oddly Threatening Flyer Posted on Locust Brightens Freshman's Day

New posters have cropped up since the initial one, but lately the messages have switched from being oddly threatening to just flat out aggressive.


Revolutionary: Junior Fulfills Arts and Letters Sector by Watching Miyazaki Films in Pod for an Entire Semester

“Why take Chick Lit or Roman Mythology like a sucker when you could be relishing the Pod experience,” Blankenship gloated before returning his attention to a 15-second clip of “Spirited Away" looping on a nearby monitor.


BREAKING: Startup Founder Looking to Hire Friends

No doubt about it, CIS major and entrepreneur Joey Freeman (E ‘21, W '21) means business.


Guy Who Wants to 'Smash' Tonight Actually Just Wants a Gaming Buddy

And so, being the enthusiastic fan he is, Corbin donned a tasteful homemade Mario costume and hit the ground running, console and controller in hand, to find a worthy opponent on campus.


Horrific: Student Uses Lush Bath Bomb in Kings Court Bathtub

At around 9:30 p.m. last Thursday, Wharton freshman Philip Saunders used a perfectly good “Golden Wonder” bath bomb from Lush in a grimy Kings Court bathtub.


Students Beware: Field Botany Literally Just a Weed-Out Class

“They had us uprooting orchids, roses, tulips, carnations—all in the sweltering hot sun, ” Stewart murmured. “The rumors were true. This really is a weed-out class.” 


Report: Majority of Wharton Students Can't Graph Lines, but They Sure Can Snort Them

It may not be snowing yet, but the inside of Huntsman already looks like a bona fide winter wonderland.


Nice: This Freshman's PAC is '6969'

From the moment he received his PennCard that sunny August 22nd, Charles Chavez (C ‘22) knew he was cut out for excellence.


Unique Work-Study Opportunity: Trimming Amy Gutmann’s Chia Pet

As for payout, you can expect a cool $7.25 per hour (as well as the priceless joy of murmuring “ch-ch-ch-chia” to yourself as you complete your horticultural duties).


Dirty, Stained Plate Honestly Looks More Appetizing Than Anything at Commons ‘Comfort’ Station

The results are in! 10 out of 10 Penn students agree.


Professors Agree: Inappropriately Long and Stressful Midterm Best Way to Test Material

"Academic professionals everywhere know that the human brain performs at its best when under immense, crippling stress."


Yikes: Premed Accidentally Takes SAT Instead of MCAT

From his pristine GPA to his extracurriculars, Preston Fleming (C ’21) was a guy who had school figured out. Or at least, so he thought. 


Fine Arts Student Discovers Abstract Algebra has Nothing to do With Abstract Art

Panic quickly devolved into horror in class today as fine arts major April Hubman (C’20) suddenly realized that the abstract algebra class she was in had absolutely nothing to do with abstract art. 


Student Gives Peers Exactly Two Minutes to Get Their Clothes from the Dryer Before He Takes Matters into His Own Hands

“Two of the dryers finished drying, can the owners come pick their clothes up,” Werfel wrote passive-aggressively, phone in one hand, stopwatch clutched in the other. “I will wait two minutes before I take matters into my own hands and place them on the counter."


Senior Walking and Mumbling to Herself Not Actually on Phone, Just Has Imaginary Friend

To the outside observer, Olivia Murdock (C ’18) appears just like any other student milling down Locust: earbuds in, chatting away blissfully on the phone.


Sophomore Seriously Regretting Decision to Purchase Bulk Order of Soylent

Rafael Bowden (C ’20), allured by Soylent’s promise to deliver a delicious meal on-the-go, is now regretting his decision to purchase ten cases of strawberry-flavored Soylent, a quantity equivalent to 120 bottles.


Need Dining Dollars? Here are 5 Cherished Family Heirlooms You Can Exchange

Are you constantly hungry? Too timid to take food home from the GBM? Are you tired of pathetically begging your Mom for cash so that you won’t starve to death on the mean streets of Philadelphia?


Sophomore Who Enjoys 'Philly’s Unique Atmosphere' Really Just Likes Smell of Weed

Some have a soft spot for Geno’s Steaks. Others are enamored by the skillful brushstrokes of yore at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. But sophomore Julie Atkinson fell in love with Philly for a different reason.


Penn to Unveil New Dining Plans: LOL, WTF, and ASS

You’ve tried BFF. You’ve already had a mouthful of BEN. Heck, at some point you considered trying PPE. But if you’re still struggling to find that one perfect meal plan, then these new, upcoming options just may be on the table. UTB reached out to Penn Dining General Manager Carl Haim for the deets.


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