Wow! 18-Year-Old's Cutting OP-ED Sure to Keep Penn Admins Up at Night

Irene Sard (C ‘21) doesn’t hold her punches. Ever since she arrived on campus, she’s been The Daily Pennsylvanian’s leading firebrand, churning out op-ed after searing op-ed. 

“Last month she floored me with her brave piece on how students should sleep more to be successful," noted her friend Karen Guo (C ‘21). “The argument was inventive. And then last week, I learned that she was taking a stand against racism. She just can’t stop!”

But students aren't the only ones awed by Sard’s blistering reports. Sources close to the administration report that more than a few higher-ups have been deeply shaken by some of her recent articles.

“It’s been a rough few months,” Deputy Provost Dana Richards told us, bags visible under her eyes. “I've spent the last 30 years climbing the academic totem pole, and I was all set to become Provost, maybe President in a decade. But now? How am I supposed to move forward when I’ve utterly ruined this teenage girl’s life by not speaking out against developments past 44th street?” She paused, visibly shaking. “I just... don’t know what to do with myself anymore.”